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The No Contract Rule-The Latest Book From Baggage Reclaim
More than 3 years ago, I entered into a relationship with the last in my string of Mr. Unavailables. Okay, so it wasn’t a relationship in the true sense of the word. It couldn’t have been because, as so many of you know from experience, a relationship with a EUM is really not a relationship at all. Even so, this man would continue to bounce in and out of my life for more than 3 years. Even today, after the 3rd time I implemented the NCR, he’s trying to worm his way back in. The difference is that this time there’s no way I’m opening the door and letting him in.
Just as Natalie describes in the introduction to her book, this Mr. Unavailable happens to be someone I work with so implementing the No Contract Rule hasn’t been easy. He seems to wait for what he sees as an opening and then he swoops back in confident I’ll let him back into my life. The most recent attempt began only a couple of weeks ago. His MO is to approach me first in my classroom. I’m sure he realizes that there’s precious little I can do or say in that situation as I won’t make a scene at work. From there he approached a friend and I on New Year’s Eve. We simply left as I can’t even stomach sharing the same space with the man. Two days later, he text me. I ignored the text. He will NOT worm his pathetic way back into my life because this time I sincerely am over it. There’s not one ounce of desire in me to let this idiot back into my life.
I tell this story to illustrate both the tenacity of EUMs and the importance of sticking to your guns where the NCR is concerned. It’s important to remember, as NML says, we teach people how to treat us. Mr. Unavailables are simply very poor learners and, sometimes, it takes awhile for them to learn the lesson that they will no longer be allowed to bounce back in and out of our lives.
And really, when you think about it, they have every reason to be optimistic. After all, we’ve let them back in before. The difference is that, at some point, that line in sand has to become the Great Wall of China. At some point, you have got to stick to your guns.
Natalie Lue’s latest book, The No Contact Rule, is the back up you need to do just that.
The No Contact Rule Defined
So what is the No Contact Rule exactly? It is very simply a tool to eject an emotionally unavailable man from your life. It’s the way to take back control once and for all and to rid yourself of a man who will never be relationship material. From the book:
No Contact is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply No Contact (NC) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when they boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing someone around even though they’re mistreating you.
The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you NEED to have the break up moment because you think it’s what you need for closure and you like wondering “What if?”
As you can see, the beauty of the No Contact Rule is that you don’t have to have his consent to implement it. In fact, he doesn’t even need to know that you are implementing it. You very simply just do it because, at its core, the NCR is not so much about him. It’s about you doing what you need to do to get on with your life and to get healthy. It’s about learning to set boundaries and keep them. It’s about realizing that you taking control of your life.
Now, you may be thinking that my story above means that I have let him back in simply because I spoke to him when he came into my classroom. Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that NCR has worked in this situation because I have distanced myself from him mentally. And that, ladies, is the very foundation of the No Contact Rule. It’s not just about communicating via phone or text or email. It’s about getting the emotional distance you need to effectively pry his fingers off of the grip he has on you.
Why NCR is Necessary
In effect the No Contract Rule is necessary because you have to set boundaries. Boundaries that become impenetrable. Boundaries that, in a moment of weakness of self-pity, withstand his attempt to cross them and your willingness to do so. Many women who become involved with emotionally unavailable men end up there because they have no boundaries to begin with. In order to effectively cut him out of your life and get healthy, boundaries have got to be established.
Natalie says, “It took me a long time to realise, but there are certain types of men (and women) out there that can’t commit – they can’t commit to being with you and they can’t commit to not being with you.”
This means that even if there’s been a break up, he’ll continue to call, or text, or email or even show up in your classroom. Just like when you were together, this is the old running hot and cold. By running hot and turning on the charm, he thinks he can pull you back in even if it’s just long enough to get sex. Then you’ll be right back at square 1 trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Because even though he called you or even had sex with you, doesn’t mean he’s seen the light and wants to commit to you. It just means he knew he could get you in the sack to get what HE wanted, what HE needed in that moment.
Nothing has changed. The NCR is vital to your self-esteem and your sanity. You have to be able to get the distance you need and, the truth is, he’s not going to give it to you otherwise.
Do You Need the No Contract Rule?
According to Natalie if you repeatedly say it’s over or make threats to leave him but don’t follow through, the NCR needs to be implemented.
Have you ever told someone that it’s over or made threats and then found yourself backsliding and going back on your word? If you have a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, or staying even though you’ve said that you’ve had enough, this has been contributing a lot to how much he may feel he can get away with.
The bottom line here is that you’ve taught him that you’ll cave and let him back in. This means you have to take drastic measures to show him you mean business.
In The No Contact Rule, Natalie list 10 of your indicators and 10 of his that will help you see that you do indeed need to take action to extricate him out of your life once and for all.
The Do’s & Don’ts of NCR
The nuts and bolts of the No Contract Rule that Natalie lists in the book are essential to making it stick. A few examples are:
- No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting, communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything.
- No tracking him on dating sites/Facebook/alumni sites, etc.
- No contacting him via your friends.
Natalie also discusses booby traps of the NCR, the stages of NCR and processing your feelings, staying focused on maintaining NCR, and how to establish NCR when you have kids together or work together. She also discusses why you can’t be friends with your assclown, how to rebuild a life with meaning that is focused on you, boundaries for all relationships, and what to do if you find yourself thinking it’s too hard and you should just settle.
The No Contact Rule is a must read if you are having trouble effectively cutting him out of your life or if he keeps bouncing in and out of it. Get the instant download today and take control of your life.
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Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts February 1st, 2010, 9:30 am
I absolutely LOVE the NCR! Now this I can do.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog ..I Lost My Mind
Avellino March 11th, 2010, 10:30 am
I absolutely LOVE the NCR! Now this I can do.
Tee aka The Diva's Thlughts´s last blog ..<a href="http://www.thedivasthoughts.com/2010/01/i-lost-my-mind.html" rel="nofollow">I Lost My Mind</a> ;