20-forty.comBecause love isn't always 20/20!
Reader Question: How Do I Break Up With a Narcissist?
A reader asks:
How would you handle trying to get out of a relationship that is with a narcissist, not on an extreme level, but a narcissist? I just went to a gathering and he was even flirty with his best friends daughter? He just seems so strange now to me in more ways than I ever really noticed before? But being with someone that needs that kind of confirmation, coming from a child of his best friend??? Now that’s an ego that needs stroking, when you will take it from a 19 year old and be into it and flattered by it. He is in his 40’s.
I just don’t want him to think that that is the reason I am leaving, because he will try to make it out like I am the one with the problem. I was very cool when it was happening, I didn’t at all let it get to me, and it still hasn’t bothered me personally. I am a very confident woman and can’t be intimidated by such a child. But at the same time, I don’t want this whole episode to get back to the people who are his best friends, and them say that I was jealous.
I hope this makes sense. I guess more than anything I feel bad because I am starting to see him for what he really is and I so don’t want to be a part of this immature man’s life anymore. Please give me a ladylike response. Because I want to handle it without frustration or too much aggravation. Drama is his thing obviously, but not mine!! Thank you very much, Happy Holidays!! Merry Christmas!!
lisaq says:
First I want you to know that I completely understand your situation. Not only have I been involved with narcissists in the past, I was married to one and the one thing I know is that leaving one is no easy task. It’s not like walking away from a relationship with someone who is not a narcissist. It’s a difficult situation to be sure. One thing that you will need to remember is that no matter how you handle it, he will make it about you.
Unfortunately, the other thing to remember here is that you can’t control other people’s actions or reactions. Whether or not you even bring up the situation you described, it’s very possible he will. Since he’s not capable of accepting or acknowledging his responsibility, he will have to blame someone else. That someone else will likely be you. He, sadly, will make out like it’s your problem because he can’t admit he has one.
Most likely he will share that with the people in his life including his best friend whether he blames it on you being jealous over his flirting with the daughter or something else you have supposedly done. My ex went so far as to try to convince both my children and my parents that I was completely at fault and that he was simply a victim of my viciousness.
What you have to remember here is that the people who know you and matter to you will see his bullshit for the bullshit it is. While I understand that none of us want people to see us in a bad light, in reality there may be very little to be done about it.
Whatever you do, don’t even bring up the episode. Be very clear that you want out and that there is nothing that will convince you to stay with him. Be aware that he may try to dramatize it. He may try to push you into reacting and saying something you don’t want to say. Keep it short and sweet. Simply tell him it’s over and that it’s not open for discussion. It might not even be a bad idea to have the conversation in a place where causing a scene would cause him embarrassment. That way there’s no way for him to push it.
Perhaps most importantly, once it’s done, cut all contact. If he calls or texts or emails, ignore him. If he starts running his mouth to his friends, do NOT respond or engage him in any way. You’ll want to respond and to defend yourself and your actions if he starts it, but engaging him will only fuel his fire and, in his mind, prove him right. It won’t be easy, but these things unfortunately never are. If you get the urge to respond to him, take yourself away from the situation. Call a friend, go for a walk, go to the gym, or email me. Do whatever it takes to resist engaging him.
I hope this is helpful and I wish you good luck. Please feel free to email if you still have questions or if there’s anything else I can do to help.
Related posts:
- Are You in a Relationship With a Narcissist? Many of you have probably been lucky enough to...
- The No Contract Rule-The Latest Book From Baggage Reclaim More than 3 years ago, I entered into a...
- Opening Ourselves Up for Heartbreak…Again There’s almost nothing harder than watching someone you love...
- 10 Post-Break Up Decisions You’re Sure to Regret-Part One There’s just no doubt about it, relationships are complicated....
- Get Honest About Your Ex Break ups can definitely throw us for a loop....
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
