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Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
I think everyone agrees that cheating is a horrid thing, but is it something that makes you undateable forever? A few days ago, I was watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon. It’s not a show I normally watch. To be honest, it’s not a show I even really like but there is seems to be precious little worth watching on TV right now.
Anyway, one of Patty Stanger’s clients on one episode was Farrah Franklin, a former member of Destiny’s Child. One of Farrah’s issues is that she finds it hard to trust men she meets because her ex cheated on her. Patty carefully screened the men she chose for Farrah, but apparently the guy Farrah chose was the one guy Patty had forgotten to ask about being loyal. On their date, he admitted to Farrah that he had cheated on his girlfriend. He provided an explanation, admitted he screwed up, and swore it was a one time thing that he would not repeat. Impressed that he had been honest about it, Farrah thought she could let it slide.
Patty, it seems, had other ideas. When she called Farrah post-date to find out how things went, she all but ordered Farrah not to see him again. She told her that having cheated in the past made him undateable. Really? Forever? Wow! Might as well get the guy a big red A to attach to the front of his shirt!
Now, I’m certainly not saying that cheating is good or even that everyone who cheats deserves a second chance, but the truth of the matter is that we’re human. We screw up. This poor guy is not the only one out there who has ever cheated. In fact Steve Ward, the matchmaker of VH1’s Tough Love, says that we all have skeletons in our closets. Yep. Raise your hand if you never made a mistake in a relationship. Uh huh. That’s what I thought.
And honestly, not every who cheats will cheat again. Some of us make mistakes, even big ones, and actually learn from them. We realize not only that what we did was wrong, but also the effect our actions have on the people around us and we know without a shadow of a doubt that we don’t want to be the person responsible for inflicting that pain on anyone ever again. It happens sometimes. Alcoholics quit drinking. Drug users get clean. And cheaters quit cheating. Sometimes.
There are two kinds of cheaters: chronic cheaters and situational cheaters. Chronic cheaters are like those alcoholics who continue to drink and those drug users who keep shooting up. Though they might recognize the problem they, for whatever reason, continue to cheat. One cheater I know actually confessed to one of the girls he cheated on that he thought he was probably incapable of being in a relationship and not cheating.
Situational cheaters are a whole different breed. They cheat for many different reasons but primarily, I think, they cheat because their needs are not being met and they cheat to get them met. Sometimes they cheat as a way of ending a relationship. Much like our Millionaire Matchmaker boy I’m guessing.
Now, some situational cheaters will cheat again, but many grow and evolve and learn. They figure out that getting their needs met does not mean they have to do so outside a relationship. They learn how to end one relationship before jumping into bed with someone else. I realize that may sound like a cop out, but you might be surprised how many people just don’t know how to end a relationship. For some of us it takes awhile to learn. Once we learn it though, should we really have our past held against us?
In a recent episode of Tough Love, Steve Ward put the girls on trial for their past relationship mistakes. The jury is made up of single, dateable men. He said that what women don’t realize is that, for men, it’s not so much about what you did as how you make your case. One girl, Alisha, cheated on her fiance…twice. He says that if she can come off remorseful and convincing that she’ll never do it again, she might stand a chance. She didn’t. She seemed flippant and anything but remorseful. She was found undateable by the jury. Another girl, Tina, was charged with having an affair with a married man. She, unlike Alisha, came across remorseful and swore she would never do it again. She seemed sincere. The men on the jury, while admitting she had really made a huge mistake, found her dateable because they believed she knew how wrong she was and that she wouldn’t repeat her mistake.
The truth of the matter is, as I said before, that we all screw up. Some of us screw up bigger than others. But does that mean we’ll always screw up? No. It doesn’t. It also doesn’t mean it should be held against us for the rest of our lives. Because we’re human, we live and we learn. As one of the men on the Tough Love jury said everyone’s cheated but that if we are remorseful and learn from our mistakes, it shouldn’t be held against us. I agree.
Thoughts?
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Honey December 28th, 2009, 1:04 pm
Jake and I have both cheated on past partners. We don’t think it’s necessarily indicative of our propensity to cheat again…we try to keep each other happy instead, so we don’t feel the need.
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Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts December 28th, 2009, 2:36 pm
I agree with you on this 100%.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog ..Is That A Banana In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
just made my day! December 29th, 2009, 8:43 am
I think it depend on the consequences and who they effect. If a family is totally blown apart, I really think the cheater would think twice once he/she is back in a positive relationship before losing it all again. Losing your kids to cheating is the ultimate devastation. Yes, they will stay a part of the parents life, but it will never be the same. Cheating just isn’t worth it. If you are driven to cheat, just get out of your current “committed relationship” and move on!
lisaq December 29th, 2009, 10:36 am
Exactly Honey. Needs not being met=temptation.
Thanks Tee!
I agree just made my day but, at the same time, sometimes it’s more than just the fallout that causes a cheater to think twice the next time. Sometimes, the cheating comes on the heels of a traumatic event causing people to do things they otherwise wouldn’t do. Once he/she stops reeling and regains balance, what they’ve done sinks in and they realize what they’ve done.