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Get Honest About Your Ex
Break ups can definitely throw us for a loop. Either we idealize our ex or we spend time raking him (and ourselves) over the coals because he was such an assclown. The truth is that our ex-relationship, and ex-b/f, probably fell somewhere in the middle of things. While things obviously were not perfect (otherwise why would you have broken up in the first place), he’s probably not the horrid man your brain is making him out to be. He surely had some good points that attracted you in the first place. Though he might not have been Prince Charming, chances are that he wasn’t Attila the Hun either.
According to Paige Parker the way to get past your break up, gain confidence, and get on with your life is to get real about your relationship. And girls, this doesn’t just mean getting honest about him. It means getting honest about yourself as well. Consider this girl who posted on Paige’s Dating Without Drama forum:
“OK, so today I realized just how stupid I was. My ex, who I was supposed to be fixing things with, wouldn’t add me to his Facebook account — which is juvenile, I know, but he added the girl that I broke up with him over. Then when I asked him about it, he basically was like, ‘So?’ So I ended it. Now that I think back, all he did was lie and be sneaky with every aspect of his life. He wasnt trying as hard as I was to be back with me. How could I have been so stupid?”
I don’t know about you but I can so relate to this. I felt exactly the same way after my break up last summer. The lying and cheating left me feeling as if I was the biggest chump on the planet. The truth is that only thing I did wrong here was trust someone.
Paige likens it to an airplane ride:
Sometimes, dating can feel a lot like an airplane ride.
Up in the air, it seems like nothing can touch you. You’re on top of the world, sitting next to your guy in first class, with all the amenities you could imagine at your disposal. As you gaze out your window, the view is spectacular, with gorgeous mountain ranges, vastplains, puffy clouds, a glorious sunset and the bright lights of big cities all around you.
What you DON’T see in that view are the imperfections.
From far away, the earth looks absolutely perfect. If you were to walk through one of those cities below, however, it wouldn’t take long to find some flaws.
In other words, as you look back on your relationship, you may be thinking one of two things:
1) Your guy was the greatest, most loving, fabulous man in the whole world. He completed you in every way, and you can’t imagine there could possibly be any other guy out there who could measure up; or
2) You guy was the most hideous, foul, mean, unthoughtful, obnoxious human being ever to walk the earth, and you hope he spends the rest of his life in absolute misery. You can’t believe you were with him, and you feel like a doofus for sticking around so long.
In either case, you aren’t doing yourself any favors in the “getting over him and moving on” part of a breakup.
Let’s look at this piece by piece. The problem with scenario #1 is, as I’ve said about 47 million times before, no man can or should complete you. You are a wonderful, amazing, incredible whole person all by yourself. If you’re going into relationships with this mindset, if you’re looking for a man to complete you, you’re going to be disappointed every single time. You can’t rely on a man to make you happy or to fill up your life or to validate you. You are responsible for doing that and, when you do, the men you attract will be men worth attracting.
Then there’s scenario #2. Yes, you are an intelligent, amazing woman. Yes, you made a mistake. We all have. Now, get the hell over it and quit dwelling on the negative. That’s going to get you exactly nowhere fast. It’s time to let go of the negativity and start making room for positive thoughts in your heart. As Paige Parker says, “When you make room in your heart for positive thoughts, then it tends to follow that positive results will come your way.” Sounds like a fabulous way to start 2010, doesn’t it?
To learn more about Paige Parker’s Dating Without Drama program, click here.
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Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts December 7th, 2009, 9:29 am
I agree with a lot of what you say in this post. Having strong feelings about an ex one way or the other definitely means you are not getting over them. Taking ownership of your part in the demise of the relationship is extremely important to your healing and moving forward.
The one thing that I take exception with is the comment about one person should never complete you. I look at it from this perspective, no matter how wonderfully full and fulfilling our lives are, we were not meant to be alone and we all desire a loving commited relationship, that is just how we as humans are. We need that compansionship. We long for it. When you don’t have that then there is a small peice missing from your life. When you meet that special one then you do have a sense of being complete because now you have everything you ever wanted.
Take me for example, I have a great career, I have great friends and a wonderful life. I really do. I thank God all the time for my blessings. I travel and hang out with people I love and it’s great. The only thing that is missing is that special someone in my life. I am no different from everyone else who desires to have someone to share their life with. Once I find that someone I will have this sense of completeness because then I’d want for nothing. You get what I’m saying?
Sorry to leave s novel in your comments. lol You always post the greatest articles on here.
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auntiegwen December 8th, 2009, 2:54 am
I love the fact that I only feel indifference now, air travel was making me queasy.
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