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7 Things You Should *ALWAYS* Do On A Date
You know we’re always seeing tips telling us what we shouldn’t do on dates. This week Dr. Alex Benzer, author of The Tao of Dating : A Smart Woman’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner Goddess and Finding the Fulfillment You Deserve, puts a positive spin on it, and gives us some pretty fantastic tips on what we should do instead. These tips are based on Dr. Alex’s Taoist based idea of getting out of your own way, which is definitely something yours truly needs to work on.
Do everything in your power to keep the first date.
Awhile back Kira text me with a dilema. She had a date and didn’t really want to go. It was a first date with a guy she had met online and she just wasn’t sure she was into it. My advice? Go. Seriously, it was just a few hours out of her day and she really didn’t have anything to lose. Besides, this guy had gone out of his way to put himself out there and ask her out. If she canceled, well, not so nice.
Dr. Alex puts it this way. By cancelling the first date you are telling him that he’s not all that important to you. No matter what your reasons, he will take it personally. Setting up a second date with you becomes a task he may not want to tackle at all.
Besides which, Dr. Alex says, it will actually cause you to not like him.
A funny thing about human behavior is our strong need to avoid cognitive dissonance. We need to align actions with thoughts, and thoughts with actions. So when you do something mean to someone — like cancel the date at the last minute — you will tend to dislike him as a consequence. Why? Because your unconscious mind goes, “Well, if I canceled on him, it must be because I don’t like him!” Even though 24 hours ago you DID like him enough to agree to spend time with him.
The very hope that comes with a first date vanishes in a puff of smoke. Maybe he would have been the right guy for you; maybe he wouldn’t have, but now neither of you will ever know.
Give him your full attention.
Dr. Alex says that even more than tight dresses, cleavage, and flipping your hair, the one thing that will really attract him is giving him your full attention. Really “be” there. Resist the temptation to fiddle with your straw or visit with friends you run into. Pay attention to him.
Turn your phone off.
Obviously this goes hand in hand with giving him your full attention. Still, according to Dr. Alex, it warrants its own category since we tend to take our phones everywhere and, if you’re anything like me, check them constantly. One little sound, especially if it’s a Crackberry, and you’re checking to see who or what is trying to reach you.
Dr. Alex says the whole point of a phone is human contact and, while on a date, you have a human right in front of you. Answering calls or responding to messages is going to make him feel 2nd rate and cause you to blow a chance at a 2nd date.
Elevate your date.
So things are going well. You’re there, you’re paying attention, your phone is off. Now what? What do you say? Dr. Alex suggests a well-placed compliment. Doing so will not only leave him feeling good about himself, it will leave him feeling good about you and wanting to come back for more.
And while a little playful teasing is okay, be sure to avoid put downs and sarcasm. Both of these can be relationship poison all the way through a relationship let alone on the 1st date. A compliment, on the other hand, demonstrates your generosity every time you give them.
There is, however, a difference between a genuine compliment and just giving lip-service. Both are nice but paying particular attention to something he’s worked hard on and complimenting it will show him that you really are paying attention and will make him feel especially good.
Ask for information judiciously.
Remember, it’s a date not an interrogation or the Spanish inquisition. Asking questions is how we get to know each other. Still, if he’s obviously not comfortable with your questions, back off. Ask questions designed to get to know him and expect straight answers. Avoid questions that are overly personal or make him obviously uncomfortable.
Give out information judiciously.
According to Dr. Alex,
As a general guideline, privileged information about breakups, bodily functions, drug use, finances, politics and religious preferences are best left for later (or never) rather than sooner.
Your date certainly does not want to hear all of your dating woes or about your time in rehab or about your latest cleanse…especially on the first date. Give it time and share tactfully. Spilling your guts about all of your most intimate secrets on the first date is a damn fine way to make it a last date. Remember also that a little mystery is a good thing. It will make him want to come back to find out more.
Keep your wits about you.
There’s nothing wrong with a drink or two or even with a little buzz. Just know your limits and stick to them. Your date doesn’t want to have to pick you up off the floor or hold your hair while you’re praying to the porcelain gods on the first date…or ever for that matter. Worse yet, too much alcohol can causes lapses in judgement that may cause you to become overly friendly and will, consequently, put him in a very awkward position. He’s a man; not a saint. Putting him in such a position is never good no matter which way it turns out.
Above all remember, dates are supposed to be fun, so have fun. It’s honestly not meant to be torture.
Thoughts?
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auntiegwen November 30th, 2009, 6:03 pm
It always goes well till I have the desire to go for the funny, every single time I have the overwhelming urge to be the smart arse, and yep, that’ll be why I’m single
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saneandsingle November 30th, 2009, 6:16 pm
LOL! I’m with Auntiegwen! But really, this is good advice, especially the phone! A dude who is constantly checking his phone is a total turnoff for me!
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