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Six-Step Emotional Infidelity Action Plan
Last week I shared Paige Parker’s eight signs that he’s crossed the line with a female friend. For me it was a particularly relevant article and one I need to take to heart. It reminded me to trust my gut and to keep my boundaries in tact.
Paige says that if you answered yes to one or more of the questions, you should indeed be concerned because your man may be committing emotional infidelity. So, if he is, what do you do? Here is Paige’s six-step plan for dealing with that emotional infidelity.
1. BEGIN BY GIVING HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
Some men truly don’t recognize that their friendships with women cross over into inappropriateness. Honestly, at least in the beginning, I don’t think J did recognize it. Keep in mind that I had known him for 8 years. I remember, when we first started dating, telling G that he was a flirt and that I would have to be mindful of that. Unfortunately, I managed to lose sight of it as time went on.
Now, I’m certainly not excusing his behavior, but had I been a little more aware, I might have dealt with things differently.
2. EXPLAIN YOUR FEELINGS.
Try saying something like, “I love the relationship that we have and I trust YOU, but I am uncomfortable with how close you are to Cassie.” My own response was much more accusatory causing him to become defensive and, in turn, to see my behavior as jealousy which is, well, never attractive.
3. CLARIFY THAT IT’S NOT THE MOTIVE, IT’S THE BEHAVIOR.
Your boyfriend may truly see nothing wrong with his special friendship, especially if he truly has no romantic feelings toward her. Explain calmly that his motives behind the friendship are not in question, but that his behavior (spending one-on-one time with her, confiding in one another, not integrating you into the friendship) is inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship and it needs to change.
While, in theory, I agree, I think it’s important to realize that if he doesn’t recognize that his relationship has crossed over into inappropriateness as discussed in #1, he may disagree that his behavior is inappropriate. J would have never seen it that way. And, while I realize this may say more about him than it does this step in Paige’s action plan, I think it’s something to think about.
4. SET SPECIFIC BOUNDARIES.
Let your boyfriend know, in no uncertain terms, what you are and are not comfortable with. For example, “I’d prefer that you and Cassie not spend time alone, but I’d be happy to go out as a group.”
Setting boundaries is healthy. Following through with maintaining them is even more important. If he doesn’t respect them, you may have bigger problems than this female friend.
5. GET PROACTIVE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Show your boyfriend that he doesn’t need to look to another woman to get his emotional needs met. You can do this by demonstrating more of an interest in his life. For example, instead of just saying, “Hi honey, how was your day,” try getting more specific, “So…tell me about the big client pitch today!”
Actions definitely do speak louder than words. Just as it’s important that you make sure your own needs are getting met, he needs to be sure his are. If you aren’t interested in meeting them, it only makes sense that he’d get them met somewhere else. Again, I’m not excusing here. I’m simply saying that relationships are give and take…on both sides.
6. RESPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO FOLLOW THROUGH IF HE DOESN’T RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES.
If your boyfriend violates the boundaries that you set (or refuses to agree to them in the first place), break off the relationship. He can’t have his cake and eat it too, and you deserve to be with a man who will make you the #1 woman in his life… NO CONTEST.
Ladies, this is the bottom line here. One through five simply lead to six. Obviously, in my case, this is where we landed. He didn’t respect my boundaries and the only option was to cut my loses and let him go. But the truth of the matter was that he was not the man who would be receptive to Paige’s action plan which simply means he was never the right man. Period.
Thoughts?
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