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10 Post-Breakup Decisions You’re Sure to Regret-Part Two
In Part One, I discussed begging him not to break up with you, sleeping with him, calling him, keeping in contact with the wrong people in your circle of friends, and keeping a shrine to him. If you missed Part One, you can read it here.
6. STALKING HIM ONLINE
Okay, I admit, I’m completely guilty of this one. Though I’ve gotten better, his Facebook profile is like crack. I can’t seem to resist clicking on it to see what’s going on in his life.
Paige Parker says it’s self destructive to do so. In fact, she says, “In other words, all the information you need for emotional self-destruction is available at the click of your mouse.” She maintains it’s best to remove him from all of your social networking sites.
I actually didn’t have to. He deleted me immediately after the break up. Still, his profile isn’t private so a quick search of his name takes me right to it. But I think Paige is right. It certainly doesn’t make me feel better to see the comments the girl at the center of our break up is still leaving him. It also reminds me that he deleted me, which honestly still hurts. I definitely have to work on this one!
7. GIVING IN TO VICES
Who hasn’t headed to the nearest bar, or the nearest mall, after a break up. When you’re feeling so much like crap, it’s so tempting to give into behaviors that may make us feel better in the short term.
Paige says:
With all that you’re going through emotionally, mentally, even spiritually and physically, it’s only natural for you to be tempted to fall into some behaviors that might feel good in the moment but are actually rather self-destructive.
Some examples of behavior like this are overeating; not eating enough; chain-smoking; drinking too much; blowing your rent money on a new handbag; rebound hook-ups with strange men; and acting out in aggressive, hostile or dramatic ways.
While it’s easy to find yourself giving into such behaviors, it’s more important to focus on taking care of yourself emotionally so that you can assess what went wrong in the relationship, heal, and move on. It reinforces a commitment to taking care of yourself while building your self-esteem and loving yourself.
8. BADMOUTHING YOUR EX OR SEEKING REVENGE
I’m sure that, at the least, all of us have badmouthed him. You’re with your friends, they’re commiserating with you, saying what an ass he was to let you go, and you’re all caught up in agreeing with them. The truth is that this doesn’t really help you feel any better. In fact, I found that it actually, made me feel worse.
Paige is right when she says:
In the end, you will always be prouder of yourself if you keep your self-respect in tact and act like a lady. Karma is a you-know-what, and he will suffer in his own way for his bad behavior without you having to lower yourself to nasty behavior.
I’m a big believer in karma and I believe there is a lot of truth in this. What goes around, comes around baby.
9. REBOUNDING INTO A RELATIONSHIP TOO QUICKLY
Definitely one I was guilty in the past, I have learned that this is just about the worse thing you can do. What you need to be doing is taking time for yourself. It’s important to take time to process the relationship and the break up, so you can figure out what went wrong and what not to do next time. Break ups do not necessarily a failure make. In fact, they are opportunities for growth and learning. You can’t do that if you get all wrapped up in someone new too soon.
Plus, Paige maintains, you’re decision making skills probably are not at an all time high right now.
Your standards for a mate are at their all-time low after a breakup. You’re not thinking straight and you’re making emotional decisions out of need rather than rational ones from a place of strength and clarity.
In “Dating Without Drama” I share an anecdote about the time I rebound-dated a very emotionally needy stand-up comedian who had a penchant for pot smoking and slept on a mattress on the floor of his friend’s studio apartment.
UMMMM, WHAT WAS I THINKING???
ANSWER: I WASN’T.Spare yourself the “D’oh!” moment of regret you’ll inevitably have down the road and just say “NO” to a rebound relationship. You’ll know when you’re ready to get back in the dating game, and — BONUS! — your first date probably won’t be with an antisocial troll.
And, finally, the last one:
10. GOING THROUGH YOUR BREAKUP ALONE
Breakups are hard enough. Isolating yourself and going it through it alone make it even harder. But, sometimes, friends tell us we’re better off without him and that we should just forget about him and get back out there.
Listen. You need time to process what’s happen and to grieve your loss. While, I’m not advocating wallowing in self pity for an extended period of time, I am saying that we all deal with these things in our own way, in our time.
Don’t let well meaning friends set you up with their mother’s co-workers hot nephew if you’re not ready. Don’t jump onto Match.com too soon because your friend says it’s time. Going on dates before you’re ready, isolating yourself and self-medicating with food, shopping, alcohol, or worse isn’t going to help.
Surround yourself with family and friends who are supportive and understand how you need to heal. The truth is, if you don’t deal with your breakup right, you’ll find yourself repeating your mistakes which means you’re going to end up right back where you are today. That doesn’t sound like fun now does it.
If you’re really having a hard time recovering, consider Paige’s Breakup Breakthrough Program and she’ll be with you every step of the way.
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Hilario Pizzini August 17th, 2010, 12:27 pm
Very good stuff.
Cherise Bees September 1st, 2010, 10:56 am
Unique! What an outstanding thought commentary. Thanks for making me getting the hang of this thoroughly in the entirety night
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