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What’s Your Love Language?
When a friend mentioned the The Five Love Languages
On the other hand, if we learn others’ languages, we make them feel loved and cared for which, in turn, strengthens our emotional bond and brings us closer together. This is this premise for The Five Love Languages
The result of speaking a person’s love language is more a feeling of “this person understands and cares for me.” Over time, this feeling multiplies into a stronger sense of connectedness. Just as identifying and speaking a person’s love language strengthens a relationship, not doing this can leave a friend or loved one feeling as if you do not love him or her.
What was interesting to me was that, as I read the descriptions of each love language, I could easily see which people in my life speak which language.
Quality Time
People who speak the language of quality time, myself included, feel cared about when the people in their lives take time for them. This does not necessarily mean spending time together, though of course that’s included, but also taking the time to call, email, or text. It’s about quality conversations and taking the time to focus on that person.
Dr. Chapman says, “I do not mean proximity. Two people sitting in the same room are certainly in close proximity, but they are not necessarily together. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. It is giving someone your undivided attention.”
Quality time is about hearing and talking, listening, and quality activities. Without these things, a person who’s primary love language is quality time feels empty and uncared for.
Words of Affirmation
There are many dialects of affirming words. There are words of encouragement, words of praise, and kind words. Using words of encouragement is about both expressing appreciation and about enouraging someone with your words. Words of praise recognize someone’s accomplishment. Using kind words of affirmation has to do with not only what we say, but the way we say it.
Dr. Chapman uses this example,
“The statement “I love you,” when said with kindness and tenderness can be a genuine expression of love. But what about the statement, “I love you?” The question mark changes the whole meaning of those three words.”
If your loved one’s love language is words of affirmation, speaking words of affirmation to them once a day can drastically improve your relationship. The problem is that we tend to screw up each new day with old crap. We bring our failures with us and pollute it. This makes speaking words of affirmation impossible. We have to let past failures and past hurts go in order to give and receive words of affirmation.
Receiving Gifts
According to Dr. Chapman there has never been a culture that didn’t use gift giving as an expression of love. He says that a gift is something that tells the recipient that you were thinking about them and that, as an expression of that love, you want them to have that something. It does not have to be big, extravagant, or expensive. It is simply a visual symbol that tells your loved one you care about them.
It is important here to differentiate between a gift given out of love and a gift given out of guilt. If a gift is given because you feel guilty or are trying to make up for something, it is not an expression of love. How many men were ingrained to send flowers when they make their wife or girlfriend angry? The wife or girlfriend, in turn, does not feel love but anger that he is trying to buy her off with flowers.
Acts of Service
Some people express love by doing things for others. They help them by doing things for them or by helping them learn to do something. This love language is acts of service.
Again, there is an important distinction here. There is a difference between serving others out of love and being forced to serve others. My first husband insisted that dinner was on the table every day when he arrived home from work. Every day I cooked that dinner and it was on the table when he walked in the door. I did not do it as an act of service, but out of fear of the firestorm I would face if it wasn’t done. This also includes manipulation (If you love me, you’ll do this for me). Both of these are examples of treating a person as an object, not a lover.
If you are truly expressing love through acts of service, you believe that “it is better to give than to receive.” You are making a choice to give of yourself.
Physical Touch
A hug, a touch on the shoulder as someone walks by you, or reaching for someone’s hand are expressions of love through physical touch. According to Dr. Chapman, physical touch can make or break a relationship. It communicates both love and hate.
If the person’s primary love language is physical touch, your touches will speak much louder than the words “I love you” or “I hate you.” Withhold touches and you will isolate and raise doubts about your love. A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is physical touch. The same is true of single adults.
For a person whose primary love language is physical touch, a simple touch touches much more deeply than just the physical contact. If, on the other hand, someone withdraws physical touch it is as if they are withdrawing emotionally.
The love language of physical touch is not a simple language. You must learn to the differences between appropriate and inappropriate touches, implict and explict touches, and sensitive touch. An example of a sensitive touch would be holding someone as they cry. Your words may do little to console, but holding them speaks volumes.
Physical touch is also not necessarily about sex. Though many of us have tried unsuccessfully to fill ourselves up with casual sex, we also know the empty feeling it can leave us with.
What it all means
Knowing your own love language is knowing why you feel like you do when people speak it or don’t. You are likely to be drawn to people who speak it loudly and to withdraw from those who don’t. It doesn’t, however, mean that you can’t love or be loved by someone who speaks a different language. If we take the time to learn someone’s love language and to speak it we can improve the quality of all of our relationships.
Finding your love language
I knew right away that quality time is my primary love language followed closely by physical touch. If you are unsure of yours, there are five ways to figure it out.
- Observe your own behavior. Pay attention to how you typically express love and appreciation to others. If you often hear yourself giving words of affirmation, then this may be your primary love language. If you are the friend who often suggests lunch dates or inviting friends over, then quality time may be your love language.
- Observe what you request of others. If you find yourself asking for help with projects, acts of service could be your primary love language. If you ask friends and loved ones to “bring you something” when they travel, then receiving gifts could be your love language.
- Listen to your complaints. This is how I recognized my love language as quickly as I did. I sometimes find myself disapointed that friends don’t have time to call or get together. It was really very obvious to me. Dr. Chapman says that “our complaints reveal our deep emotional hurts. The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.”
- Ask the right questions. If you are dating someone, ask yourself what it is you like most about them. In the beginning of my recent past relationship, J called, sent texts, and posted on my Facebook wall often. We spent a lot of quality time together. When that happened, I felt completely satisified in the relationship. When that began to fade, I felt empty and unloved by him. If you’re not currently in a relationship, you can ask yourself the same questions about your friendships.
- Complete the love language profile. Included in Dr. Chapman’s book is a profile which asks you to make choices between two options. The results help you figure out your love language.
Which love language is theirs?
You may be able to determine your loved ones’ love language in the same ways you can determine your own. By observing their expressions, complaints and requests, you may be able to easily determine their primary love language. For example, in conversations with G, especially if I’m down or struggling with something, she often tells me that I’m alright. She frequently validates what I have done or said. She does the same with other people she interacts with. There’s a good chance words of affirmation is her primary love language. Since it’s not a language I speak, I have had to learn it in order to improve our relationship and it was well worth the effort.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions when you are trying to discern someone’s love language. Just be sure to choose your questions well and convey that they are “expressions of genuine desire for information.” You certainly don’t want to drill or interogate as that would be counter-productive.
Another way to determine someone’s love language is to experiment a little. Try a few different things and see how the person responds to you. While reading the chapter on words of affirmation, I began to believe that J’s love language was words of affirmation. I simply wrote a little something praising his talent for singing and telling him how much I would miss not seeing him perform that weekend. The response was incredible.
Try focusing on each language a week at a time and pay attention to response you get. The week you are speaking that person’s love language you will see a difference in their response.
Order The Five Love Languages Singles Edition
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Honey July 9th, 2009, 10:55 am
My love style is physical touch, though interestingly ONLY from a significant other. I am very uncomfortable being touched by friends or family.
The BF is quality time. We always joke about gifts, though, because it SEEMS shallow – even though once you understand it, it isn’t really
Honey´s last blog post..Summer Lovin’…or Not
saneandsingle July 10th, 2009, 3:15 pm
Is it possible that I speak one language but respond better to a different language of love?
saneandsingle´s last blog post..I think I may be off the market…
lisaq July 12th, 2009, 8:33 am
That is interesting Honey. Yeah, I think a lot of people think gift giving seems shallow but, as you said, it’s really not at all. In fact, so many things made so much more sense to me when put in this context.
I don’t know why not saneandsingle. Dr. Chapman says some people are bilingual. In some ways, speaking one language and responding to another is the same thing.
searchingwithin July 12th, 2009, 10:29 am
I need to hear that I am loved, but also, I believe that we make time for those things and people we care about, and are important to us, so if they do not make an effort to make time for me, I am extremely hurt. So I suppose I have two love languages.
searchingwithin´s last blog post..I Am Not Tempted By Anything But Temptation
Lance August 20th, 2009, 2:18 pm
Just found this post from Honey’s on our blog, very interesting stuff. I had no idea there was research on this and I wrote a couple of posts that alluded to love style in the context of early attraction and I even called it a “love style.” Neat! This is like a huge piece of the puzzle for me. I’m give love with physical touch, followed not particularly closely by affirmations and distantly with quality time. I need to receive affirmations, then touch (very close second), then distantly with quality time and gifts.
lisaq August 21st, 2009, 6:11 am
I found it fascinating Lance. It’s definitely worth a read if you have the time.