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3 Quick Break-Up Fixes & Remedies
Let’s just face it. Breakups suck and, the truth is, they aren’t supposed to be fun. Women handle them in many different ways from having meltdowns to withdrawing to drowning their sorrows. The good news is that breakups don’t have to be awful. Seriously. They can be what they should be–an opportunity for growth and learning. Christian Carter has 3 steps to help you do just that and I have to tell you they make a lot of sense.
STEP #1: RECOGNIZE WHAT WASN’T WORKING FOR YOU
Admit it ladies. When we’ve just gone through a breakup, one of the first things many of us do is rehash the relationship trying to figure out what we did wrong or how we drove him away. How many times have you thought, “If I just hadn’t said that or done this, he wouldn’t have left me?” I certainly have. But what does that really accomplish? Nothing more than making you feel even more miserable and cry even more tears. The truth of the matter is that many times we make our misery.
Or maybe you spent your time romanticizing the relationship and are ignoring the problems. You remember the good times and think you’ll never find anyone else who is so perfect for you. And then, of course, you cry some more.
Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t grieve your loss. Not at all. What I am saying is that you shouldn’t wallow in it. Instead, why not follow Christian’s advice and try to figure out how to get the relationship you want and the kind of love you deserve in the future. What lessons can you learn from this experience that will help you in the next relationship?
According to Christian:
When you focus on your ex too much, and you spend your time “pining away” for a relationship, you miss out on a very important lesson.
You stop seeing all the ways that the relationship made life a ROLLER COASTER for you.
You don’t realize all the ways he wasn’t right for you or made you feel less than your true self.
You don’t learn what it is you really want and need from a relationship in order to be fulfilled.
Let’s face it, you were led down some very negative emotional paths by this guy, weren’t you?
Okay. That makes sense, right? But how the hell do you do it? First of all, get some reality. Stop romanticizing and start remembering all of things he said and did that made you feel sad, uncared for, or unworthy. Stop thinking about the good times and reflect instead on those feelings that were probably instrumental in the ending of the relationship.
Think about what you can learn about men, yourself, relationships and love from the things that were wrong in the relationship. And then don’t repeat your mistakes in the next relationship.
STEP #2: STOP “LOSING YOURSELF” IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
How much did you give up to be with this guy? Did you give up time with family and friends? Did you quit doing all those things you used to love to do?
You probably gave them up in order to spend time with him; to make him comfortable. You gave them up because your relationship was important and you wanted to focus your energy on it and make it work.
You’ve got to let that go and get back out there. Get back to doing the things you love. Get back to spending time with your family and friends. Get back out there ready to meet someone new and date again. Otherwise, you’re still giving up things for him–the guy who’s no longer in your life. If weeks or months have gone by and you’re still pining away putting your life on hold for him, stop it! By doing this Christian says you are actually doing the very thing that caused your relationship to crumble in the first place.
STEP #3: BE READY FOR LOVE WHEN IT FINDS YOU
We’ve all felt it before. He was so perfect for you and you just know you’ll never find anyone like him again. You’re sure that there’s no one else out there who can make you feel like he did. Really? If he was so perfect, why the hell is he gone? If he was so perfect, why did you feel like crap when you were together? You may even feel like you don’t ever want to date again–or at least not for a very long time.
So you focus on work, on you, on friends, on whatever you can to avoid dating and being hurt again. Maybe you even convince yourself you’re happy just like you are. You don’t need a damn man anyway! Besides, even if you did meet someone new, it would probably end the same way and you’d be right back where you started from. Right? Wrong.
Be honest with yourself. If you shut yourself off from the possibility of love, you may be giving up the opportunity for something incredible and lasting. That one great guy meant for you could be out there right now and you’ve got yourself wrapped up in a “bubble” that will keep you from ever finding him. Sure, you feel vulnerable. Of course, it’s risk. Here’s what Christian says about taking that risk:
Ok, you may feel pretty in-control and safe right now, but are you LIVING? If you’re not taking a risk, are you risking never feeling he LOVE and connection that could transform your life someday?
Is it worth that? I don’t think so. I know. This last experience sucked. It hurt and you’d rather poke your eye out than go through that. The truth is that it doesn’t have to be that way.
Right now you think there are no good men out there or that the good ones are already taken or that they won’t be attracted to you, but here’s the thing about building real attraction. According to Christian, “You CAN experience the kind of LOVE you’ve always wanted in your life, regardless of what kinds of bad experiences you’ve had before.”
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- Get Honest About Your Ex Break ups can definitely throw us for a loop....
- How to Break the Cycle of Bad Relationships and Just Say “No” to Drama 1. I often find myself attracted to “bad boys,”...
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Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts June 29th, 2009, 10:52 am
I can’t even add anything further to this post. We all need to analyze what went wrong but not wallow as you stated or lose ourselves in the relationship.
Grea post.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog post..Do You Realize What You Are Saying?
auntiegwen June 29th, 2009, 4:30 pm
I find new shoes and fruit and nut toblerones help but I am very shallow. And possibly too flippant for my own good.
auntiegwen´s last blog post..auntiegwens guide of what to do lesson 2 – Parenting – the teenage years
lisaq June 30th, 2009, 7:16 am
Thanks Tee! Ironically, on the day this published I went through a break up. Looks like I’ll be putting it to the test!
Haha Gwen! I chose several glasses of wine to start, but a new pair of shoes might very well be in order too!
searchingwithin July 2nd, 2009, 11:09 am
I believe that we wallow in the good times, because those times brought out a feeling and a part of us that we liked and miss. We have to bring that part out without them. There is also the withdrawal from the “chemical cocktail” that love or rather lust causes our body to explode with, one of the reasons we resort to the wine, among other things.
If we remember we are grieving:
The feeling
The person we were in the good times
The role we played, and/or they played
The sharing and companionship
Sometimes friendships and associations
and most likely not the man himself at all. Allow ourselves to grieve those things, and learn to fulfill them elsewhere, we start to feel better.
Just my thoughts.
searchingwithin´s last blog post..The Love Triangle – The Ugly Side of Human Nature
Honey July 6th, 2009, 3:05 pm
This article is written as if women are the ones who are dumped (rather than the ones doing the dumping), which I find a little problematic. Perhaps if you (the woman) are ALWAYS the one being dumped and not the one dumping, there is yet another problem there for you to investigate.
Honey´s last blog post..Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
lisaq July 7th, 2009, 8:32 am
I don’t know Honey. In my recent breakup, he did the cheating and the lying and I did the dumping. Still, I find value here. I think that sometimes women tend to wallow and focus on only the good even when they are the dumpers rather than the dumpees. I have done a little myself. Still, this advice reminds me that I need to focus on what he did and how that made me feel rather than focus on only the good and the fact that, no matter the circumstances, I need to focus on me and the lessons I learned here.
Honey July 9th, 2009, 11:32 am
That part is certainly true, lisaq!
Honey´s last blog post..Summer Lovin’…or Not