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How to Keep Your Friendship Intact When Your Friend Meets a New Man
I’ve written extenisvely in the past about managing your frienships and your relationships and finding a healthy balance between the two. I’ll admit that some of those articles were written while I still had growing to do and much to learn. Some were, well, not as objective as maybe they could have been. As I’ve said many times, life’s journey for me is one of continuous growth. I continue to grow and learn with each new experience be it good or be it bad.
For the most part, in the past, I’ve maintained that it is important, especially for fallback girls, not to give up your friendships when you meet and become involved with a man. I stand by that, but I’ve recently realized that it is perhaps a finer line than I recognized. The truth is that in my past, I had a tendency to give up all of my friendships when I became involved with someone new and I knew that it was something that can be very deterimental. Then again, obviously, my past relationships were anything but healthy and so I tended to pendulum in this regard. I knew that, for me, doing so added to the control issues and unhealthy beliefs I already had about myself, and I was determined that I would never again give up my friendships for a man. Any man. Ever.
What I perhaps failed to realize was the fine line getting involved with someone new creates when it comes to friendships. When it comes down to it, you are bound to spend less time with your friends when you begin a new relationship. It’s the natural progression of things.
In the beginning especially you want to spend as much time with that new person as possible. That initial infatuation is like a powerful drug. You remember right? You spend all of your time thinking about him. You get a huge smile on your face when you hear his voice on the other end of the phone. Fun, sexy texts make you giddy. You have those incredible butterflies in your stomach when you see him. You excitedly make plans to see him on a regular basis leaving less time for your friends.
And, honestly, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Now, I’m not saying you give up all of friends and never see them like I did in the past. Not at all. In fact, it’s very important to nurture and maintain those friendships. At the same time, in order for your new relationship to grow, you have to focus your energy on it and nurture it as well. It’s a fine line and one that’s not always easy to navigate.
I once read that there is a sort of dating board of advisors that men have to impress to get the girl. First on the board members list were her best girls. While that’s partially true, the girls have to remember a couple of things too. First, your girl is still going to be your girl. She’s not going to forget you or never spend time with you, but there has been a shift in her priorities just as there would be in yours if the situation was reversed.
Secondly, if you screw with the new man or try to interfere with the new relationship in an inappropriate way, you are the one who’s going to lose here. Remember that whole powerful new drug thing? Uh huh. The drug is going to win. Sure, you get less time with your friend, and you may even have to find someone new to hit the bars with everyone weekend but, unless you want to lose your friendship completely, behaving inappropriately in regard to him is a bad idea. You won’t win.
If your friend is lucky enough to find someone she cares about and who cares about her, you should be happy for her. Any of us who have been dating awhile know that finding the right person is not always an easy thing to do. If you find that you’re not happy for her and your biggest concern is who you’re going to party with now or, worse yet, that you are a little jealous that she found it and you haven’t, you may need to step back and do some self-examination yourself.
The bottom line is this. When you are friends with someone, you are supposed to care about them and, when you care about someone you are supposed to want them to be happy. Won’t you expect your friend to be happy for you when you meet someone new?
Thoughts?
Related articles:
How Do I Tell My Friend That Her Boyfriend Is An Ass?
Giving Up Your Friends When You’re In a Relationship
Men Come and Go…Friendships Are Forever
Fallback Girls and Friendship
Is It Okay to Go Out With the Girls Or Should Couples Always Go Out Together?
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searchingwithin June 8th, 2009, 7:03 am
“I once read that there is a sort of dating board of advisors that men have to impress to get the girl. First on the board members list were her best girls.”
In personal experience, I have never found this to be true. As you say, that infatuation drug is powerful, and rarely do we listen to what others have to say when it has it ’s hold on us.
searchingwithin´s last blog post..How Will We Love?
Honey June 8th, 2009, 11:33 am
It’s the same when people start to have babies…they disappear off the map. It sucks.
Honey´s last blog post..Now I’m Cookin’
Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts June 8th, 2009, 1:19 pm
I agree 100%! I’ve never been one to ignore my girls when I date a guy. It is never healthy to let go of your life and make this new man your entire life, Not healthy at all. Plus you bring much more to the relationship when you have your own life to talk about and worry about.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog post..I See Trouble Brewing
lisaq June 11th, 2009, 6:54 am
Good point searchingwithin. Yet, we want our friends to like our new man and, I think, at the least we hope for their approval.
Sorry Honey. There are a lot of similarities.
Yay Tee! You’re a good friend!