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When Doing The Right Thing Is The Hardest Thing To Do
My journey of healing and growth has been a long one. Not only were there broken marriages and relationships to heal from, there were the ever present ramifications of my childhood which were really the reason for those broken marriages and relationships in the first place. I’ve learned many things including the fact that it is a continuous journey, one I learn from and grow from every day. As many of you have read before, I’ve made a lot of progress. Most of that progress has been joyful and cause for celebration. Sometimes, though, it’s not. Today is one of those days. Today, I had to put one of those many lessons learned to the test.
I’ll start by saying that in the process I’ve lost a little bit of my heart, and I’m still reeling. It’s raw enough that there are moments when I second guess myself and wonder if I really did the right thing. Yet, deep in my heart I know I did.
Several years ago, I met a wonderful man. He was smart. He was funny. He was attractive. And he was married. We both were and, while I had fleeting thoughts, I never really let my mind go there. A few years later, I was in the midst of my last divorce. He was a great friend. He was supportive and never failed to make me smile no matter how difficult things were. And they were difficult. There were other things in my life blowing up around me, including the loss of my job, and his continual smile and humor helped keep me going.
Fast forward 5 years. I had been fighting a viral infection for several weeks and hadn’t been out much. My girl and I had gone out on a Friday night and had overdone it. Saturday was rough and we agreed we would stay in that night to recover. Then, while at dinner with my parents, she text and said there was live music at the club downtown and we should go. Ugh! I was tired. I wanted to collapse on my couch, but I agreed to go for a little while.
When I walked in the club and looked over at the band, there was my friend singing. At the break, I went up to say hello. We chatted for awhile catching up and, during that conversation, he told me that he was now divorced. By the end of the evening, we had exchanged numbers and agreed to get together for a drink.
A couple of weeks later we did. We had an incredibly great time together and continued to see each other. We laughed and talked and had a fabulous time together. Things continued to go well. There were conversations where we both admitted to feeling a connection we hadn’t felt in years. We pondered where we were and where we were going. It was amazing!
It almost seemed as if the stars had lined up just right and put us both in that place in that moment. I had not planned to go out that night. I didn’t want to go out that night and, yet, something made me go. I had a hard time believing it was not meant to be.
I had only one concern…that he hadn’t been divorced long. Having both been there before and having had my heart broken by a man who had only been divorced a few months, I was knew that this one thing had the potential to make the whole thing blow up in my face. Mostly, though I just enjoyed. I loved where we were. I loved the prospect of exploring it to see where it would go.
And then, my fear reared up to bite me in the ass. A series of events led us into the exclusivity discussion. I suppose I had been purposely avoiding it. I think a part of me knew that the outcome of such a conversation would not be what I hoped for and, yet, here we were. You see, I had learned a little something about myself after the last man who hadn’t been divorced long. I learned that there’s one thing I can’t do. I can’t see someone, and sleep with someone, who is seeing other people. Once that intimate connection is established for me, that’s it. I don’t want to share. I can’t share.
Standing at this crossroads, I knew that I had no choice but to explain just that to him. I was, at first, hopeful. He explained that since we had started seeing each other, he had had no desire to see anyone else. Maybe this was going to be okay after all.
But, of course, it wasn’t. He went on to tell me that he felt he still needed time to heal from his divorce. That he didn’t feel he was there yet and that he didn’t want to drag me through a myriad of emotional baggage. He didn’t want to set me, himself or us up for failure. He felt he wasn’t ready to give me exclusivity. He couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t find himself in bed with someone else despite the fact that there are currently no others in his sights.
As it started to sink in, I knew what I had to do. I had to walk away from a man I didn’t want to walk away from. It was the last thing on Earth I wanted to do, but there was no other option. He wasn’t yet ready to give me the one thing I needed, and I couldn’t be in a place that I knew was potentially dangerous and damaging to me. Over the last 3 years, I have finally learned to establish boundaries. This was one of them, and it couldn’t be crossed.
Please understand. I don’t blame him nor am I angry with him. He did what he needed to do, and I certainly understand the need for healing. I, in fact, respect that he was honest enough to tell me. I’m grateful that he did the right thing and I love him for it. We both did the right thing. For me, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The right thing yes, but one that is more difficult than I ever imagined.
I find myself today second guessing. Were my expectations too high? Did I ask for too much too soon? In my heart, I know I didn’t. I know that I did what I had to do. I did the only thing I could do. It doesn’t lessen the hurt, but it reassures me that I’ve grown despite the cost.
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Honey May 28th, 2009, 11:34 am
Ouch, sorry to hear it! But I agree, there was no other decision to be made – maybe for someone else, but not for you.
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searchingwithin May 29th, 2009, 10:20 am
Great article, and I believe you made the right decision for you. It may hurt now, but there may have been much more had you chose to proceed.
~Best Wishes~
searchingwithin´s last blog post..How Will We Love?
SINgleGIRL May 29th, 2009, 7:46 pm
I second Honey’s ouch. But I know that you did the right thing. I know that you must be hurting right now. I hope that you can find some comfort in the fact that you did the right thing.
For what it’s worth, I spent most of a year crying over a man I should have walked away from because it was too soon after his divorce. And I knew it was too soon. We talked about it on our first date. But I liked him and convinced myself it would be OK. It wasn’t OK.
SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Top 3 Things I Learned In Dating Bootcamp (for real)
auntiegwen June 2nd, 2009, 2:29 pm
That timing thing can be a real bitch. xx You know you did the right thing, you’ve saved yourself a whole heap of heartache
auntiegwen´s last blog post..Have you missed me ?