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Why His Bad Behavior Is Actually Good For You-Part 2
Last week there was some discussion about why his bad behavior is good for you. Thomas asked if I was referring to terrible behavior or small hiccups that sometimes occur in a new relationship. As I explained to Thomas, I was referring to really terrible behavior. Believe it or not, sometimes women excuse even red flags as big as a house and try to salvalge a relationship that would be better left to die.
It made me think of two men in my past. I met The Soldier online the summer after my divorce. He was in Iraq; I was still stuck in destructive relationship patterns. We corresponded online for 3 months before he returned to the States. He said all the right things talking about how well we were getting to know each other and filling my head with what we would do together when he got home. By the time that day I arrived, I was sure I’d found an incredible guy. Right up until two days after his arrival when he gave me a glimpse of his true colors.
I’d driven to the Army base 45 minutes away the night he came in to pick him up. That night and the next day were pretty incredible. Two days later I was talking to him on the phone. It was a Thursday. Conversation turned to the weekend when he mentioned that he was going camping with the boys. What? The boys? The same boys you just spent a year in Iraq with? Yep. It was his first weekend back and he was choosing to spend it with his boys instead of me. WTF?
I felt like I’d just had a bomb dropped on me. Yet, even as struggled to understand it, my mind was spinning with ways to salvage the relationship. In fact, I did that for an entire year. His behavior, as you might imagine, only got worse. Cheating, standing me up, leaving me to go party with his boys (and other women). It actually me overhearing two phone conversations with other women for me to decide enough was enough.
He was supposed to be spending the weekend with me. He got a phone call from a girl inviting him to a party at the lake. Though he was trying to mask his side of the conversation, her voice was very loud and I could hear every word she said. The conversation ended when she told him he should come out and he said he could do that. Not long after he got another call from yet another girl and not just any girl. This girl was actually engaged to a guy who was, at the time, in Iraq. Again, she was very loud and I could hear every word of the conversation which, in a nutshell, made it obvious the two of them had been having an affair.
Sure enough a few hours later, he stepped outside for a smoke and supposedly received a phone call saying one of his guys was in jail and he was gone. He was gone and I was done…finally. I never saw him again though I did talk to him a few times before he left for his next duty station in Korea. When he was getting ready to return and leave the Army he actually called wanting to reunite. Right dude. That’s going to happen. Not!
Fast forward to this last January. I met a guy on Match.com. Our first date was actually New Year’s Eve. We hit it off pretty well. For the next two weeks, we talked on a regular basis. Most conversation included him asking when he could see me again. The weekend after we met was a no go as he had his son, but I was hopeful that date number 2 would happen the following weekend. Ummm…no. We talked every day right up until Thursday when there was suddenly radio silence.
By Saturday morning I hadn’t heard from him and made plans for a girl’s night out. Still no word. When I hadn’t heard from him by Sunday afternoon, I text him to ask what had happened to him over the weekend. His response was that he had spent the weekend helping a friend move and at a K-State basketball game. He was sorry he hadn’t called. Whatever dude. I replied that that pretty much told me everything I needed to know. I haven’t heard from him since.
At that point I knew that despite the fact that he had continually said he wanted to see me again, the reality was that he didn’t. Not really. If he had, he would have either made time to see me over the weekend or called and said he needed to help his friend and maybe we could get together for dinner or whatever the first of the week. And, granted, that might not qualify as horrible behavior bu I knew that I would not be a priority in whatever relationship might insue and I cut my losses and moved on.
Perhaps more important than the extent of the behavior is knowing your own boundaries. Both of these situations involved a man who stepped outside the boundaries I am comfortable one. The first went on to treat me completely like crap. By the time I met the second, I knew what I could and couldn’t accept in a relationship and, I believe, saved myself some heartache. There was obviously no emotional attachment established and walking away was a lot less painful than walking away from the first.
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Honey May 18th, 2009, 12:00 pm
Go you, LisaQ!
Honey´s last blog post..Best. Party. Ever.
Thomas May 18th, 2009, 3:33 pm
I would definitely agree with the initial red flag stuff. Hard to ignore but also just as easy. When you like someone or even continuing to get to know them, it’s gets tougher to stay focused on what is important for you.
I had my fair share of figuring out what to ignore and what to pay attention to in terms of red flags and hiccups.
Good job on your part to see what was going on with those guys and getting out of it when you did.
Thomas´s last blog post..Giving and Taking Series Introduction
Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts May 19th, 2009, 11:14 am
We should always notice the signs and clues. Very important.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog post..Never A Good Sign
lisaq May 21st, 2009, 5:47 am
Thanks Honey!
It definitely gets tough to stay focused Thomas. You’re get caught up in the excitement and it’s easy to think maybe that one wasn’t really such a big deal.
Exactly Tee!
Hot Alpha Female May 28th, 2009, 1:06 am
Glad that you were able to see those red flags and walk away.
I always go by what a guy does rather than what he says. Its easy to say stuff.
But it takes effort for a guy to call you, arrange dates, take you out on dates and text you to let you know what is going on.
The hardest part is surrendering and not wishing, hoping and begging that this guy would do more, show more, commit more.
You have to take guys at face value and remember not to upload all those expectations you have of him … onto him. lol
Hot Alpha Female
P.s Paige Parker is great. I love her work. I created a little video for those readers who want some insider info on her book.
Hot Alpha Female´s last blog post..Commitment. The Chicken is Involved. The Pig is Committed.