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Reader Question-Should I Still Let My B/F Move In?
A reader asks:
I am looking for a unbias opinion in the following scenario. I am about to make the step of my boyfriend moving in with me and my children. We recently had a disagreement when one of my friends from work came over to help me as I was recovering from surgery and needed help with getting around. He had never met her before even though I have worked with her for 1 1/2 yrs. She is familiar with my children and has been to my house before. He thought it was wrong when she was comfortable with helping herself to a water and when she accepted an invite from my daughter to watch her play a game on the computer upstairs in her room. He told me that if he were to move in that this sort of “comfortableness” was unacceptable to him and I would need to change being so open as it would be an invasion of his privacy. I honestly do not think she was out of line or see it as an invasion. He is now saying that he could not move in with me since I am not giving an inch and being stubborn. What is your opinion?
lisaq says
I hate to say it but it sounds to me like you may have dodged a bullet. While I realize we all have different comfort levels, this seems to me a sign of a controlling personality. Seriously, what right does he have to tell you how your friends should act in your home? Besides which how is your getting a water and accepting an invitation to play computer games with your daughter a threat to his privacy? She wasn’t rifling through underwear drawers or snooping in desk drawers. It was a water for Christ’s sake! It hardly sounds as if she was selling state secrets. It sounds very over-reactive. Unless, of course, he has something to hide or is given to parading around nude, I’m afraid I don’t see the big deal.
Last year I ran into an old college boyfriend at the club. We reconnected and spent some time together. Right up until he walked into my house without ringing the bell, drank every bit of beer he brought and then helped himself to the beer in my fridge. That is overstepping. Grabbing a water and going upstairs, invited I might add, is not.
Never mind the fact that he’s expecting you to be the one to change. It doesn’t sound at all to me like he’s willing to give an inch either. There’s no mention of compromise which is exactly what is required when living together. It’s about both of you giving a bit until you can both live with the situation. In this case, unless there’s something I missed, he’s dictating to you and expecting you to fall into line. No bueno. Ever.
The other question I have is why wasn’t he helping you get around? Shouldn’t he have been the one jumping in to help out? Why was it even necessary for your friend to be there? It seems to me he should have been in the supporting role instead of standing around getting pissy about silly shit but that’s just me.
I completely applaud you for standing your ground. I think you should really give this some thought. Reflect on past situations to see if there are other signs of a controlling behavior or any other red flags that pop up before helping him pack.
kira says:
You may be acting stubborn but he is acting like a baby. I personally think there is nothing wrong with a good friend helping themselves to water- especially if she is helping you out after surgery. She *deserves* to help herself to the water or the wine! BTW- why wasn’t your BF helping you out after surgery? Some guy.
I really think he has no cause to be bent out of shape- especially over the computer game. If your daughter invited your friend to watch the game, then it was in no way shape or form an invasion of anyone’s privacy. If anything, it was very polite of her to accept the invitation.
That all being said, you have a choice to make. Yoiu could stand your ground and potentially compromise your relationship with your BF or you could cave and request that your friends ask before helping themselves to water, thus making for an uncomfortable visit for everyone.
I’m going to go ahead and speculate that there are more underlying issues between you and your BF. Someone getting a drink of water is a very minor deal. If he gets upset about something so minor as this, you have a long road ahead of you missy.
My best advice to you on this one is to stick to your guns. While relationships do require compromise, his throwing a fit and refusing to move in over this whole thing is very overreactive. Why should you have to make compromises while he sits back and gets his way? No way, Jose.
Best of luck!
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searchingwithin April 29th, 2009, 6:32 am
Couldn’t have said it better myself, so I third the motion. This guy is trouble. Good thing this issue came up before she allowed him to move in.
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Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts April 29th, 2009, 9:09 am
Perfect advice guys!! Perfect!
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lisaq April 30th, 2009, 6:20 am
Thanks ladies!
Honey April 30th, 2009, 10:53 am
I would turn it around and rather than let him say, “I won’t move in unless you do x,” I would be proactive and say, “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to retract my offer for you to move in unless x.”
Then he’s on the defensive instead of you.
lisaq May 1st, 2009, 5:08 am
Good advice Honey!
Angellaellisha May 19th, 2009, 11:44 am
He sounds like a control freak to me! Huge red flag!
Ang
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