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Reader Question: How do I tell my friend that her boyfriend is an ass?
A Reader Asks:
My best friend has been dating her boyfriend for only a few months. But since they started dating he has taken almost complete control of her. He gets angry if she doesn’t tell him exactly where she is going and how long she will be. He can’t stand her to be away from him for extended periods of time and always invites himself to tag along if we decide to go out. He is constantly rude to her, telling her she is wrong or not capable. When she isn’t with him, she has a very feisty, outgoing personality but that changes drastically when he is around. She will argue with him and talk back to him, but in the end always gives into what he wants. I have tried to talk to her about the situation a couple times. I’ve told her that he is too controlling and that she isn’t herself anymore but she insists on defending him and says that I am making things out to be worse than they really are. So basically, I am curious to know- how do I get her to understand how destructive he is? How do I make her see what an unhealthy situation she is in? I am afraid that if I can’t convince her that she is in a bad relationship that things will only get worse and potentially abusive. Help!
kira says:
Damn. There is not a worse position to be in. On one hand, you want to help your friend get out of a shitty situation. On the other hand, you don’t want to jeopardize your friendship by opening your mouth too much. So, what to do?
First, you need to remember that just because you see her relationship as unhealthy, she may not. If she doesn’t see the relationship as unhealthy, all you are going to accomplish by voicing your opinion is pushing her away. She will feel attacked and that is the last thing we want here. She has to come to the realization that her boyfriend is no good on her own- or at least she needs to think that she has come to that realization on her own.
What you need to do is be there for her. Make sure that she knows that she can tell you absolutely anything without fear of judgment. She isn’t going to confide in you about the ills of her relationship if she thinks that you will judge her. Let her know that you are, and always will be, there for her to confide in. It is important for her to know that she can tell you anything. And, notice that I said it is important for her to *know* that she can tell you anything not, it is important for her to *think* that she can tell you anything. You have to be a truly receptive confidant and a truly sincere listener.
Gently offer your opinion to her. Let her know that you do not think that she is in a healthy situation but that you will be fully behind whatever decision she chooses to make. Constantly telling her what a pompous ass her bf is will only make her resentful, especially if she didn’t ask for an opinion. Be subtle about your approach and back off if she seems to get uncomfortable with the conversation. Remember, this is a mild intervention, not an attack.
Talk to her family and other friends. If they see the same red flags you do, then you definitely have cause for wanting to get her out of the situation. You have also found some troops to help you get your friend out of a sour relationship. Chances are, if everyone offers their feelings, subtly, she will be more apt to open her eyes. However, if they don’t see any problems, then perhaps you are overreacting and just aren’t used to seeing your friend’s time tied up by a guy.
There is no cut and dry solution to this sticky situation. The best you can do is truly be her friend and fully be there for her. Listen and be receptive to what she has to say or you could very well lose a friend over the situation because she feels attacked.
Good Luck.
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