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Reader Question: Can My Relationship With Mr. Unavailable Be Salvaged?
A reader asks:
I fell for Mr. Unavailable. Not only that, I moved halfway across the country for Mr. Unavailable. We broke up at 2yrs. I met him when I just turned 24, and he just turned 31. I am very attractive, and have the makings of a successful career in investment. I am used to men falling all over me, and I ate it up and then spat them out. He came in to my life like a whirlwind; Doctor (resident), handsome, stylish and interesting. He was in town for a conference but swept me off my feet immediately. We spent the whole weekend together. We continued to talk every day and became serious really fast. I had never been in a mature relationship before (meaning I wasn’t playing games with him), I felt that I had found the fairy tale. He convinced me to move out there. Six months later, I said good bye to my family and friends. I did it without hesitation. I had my own place out there – he lived with three other guys. Awesome I know. Anyway, as soon as I moved out there it became slowly difficult. I learned that he has an extremely low sex drive – once every 10 days seems normal for him. And I learned he couldn’t commit to even a movie or meal, he just wanted to go with the flow. He has a lot of acquaintances but no one would consider themselves close with him. Over time it became worse, he was managing my expectations down – WAY down. We hit two years and it just blew up. I broke it off, but then we tried to date to build momentum to address our issues but would only get into fights because he would never actually address the issues. We did this for two months. We got into a huge fight and have not talked for 2wks. I finally feel good today. I know he will try to come back because we all know he can’t do better than me. The only way I would accept him back is if he sought counseling or therapy. Do you think this would work for him? For us? I really do feel “over” him enough to be sensible, but I wanted your opinion on how likely therapy can help.
Kindly,
P
lisaq says:
Well P, it looks like I’m on my own with this one since Kira read my response and pretty much said, “Ditto.” So, here we go!
Unfortunately the very nature of a Mr. Unavailable must be considered, and I’ll apologize in advance if I seem harsh, but the truth is that there is probably very little that can be done here.
Mr. Unavailable operates from a place of me, me, me so, unless he sincerely wants to change, counseling will probably be ineffective. And that’s if he truly goes, which is doubtful. He likely believes there is nothing wrong with him so why he would even need to go probably escapes him.
More likely, if he agreed to go, is that he is playing the old hot and cold with you. This is a tried and true tactic of EUMs. They turn up the heat when they feel you slipping away in an attempt to keep you right where they want you which is probably why he appeared to try to work on your issues.
Even if he went to counseling, and I speak from experience here, he likely will talk the talk in the counselor’s office, but the minute he walks out the door of that office, you will see no change. Any change at all would be calculated to keep you where he wants you…close enough to satisfy his needs, yet at arm’s length.
The bottom line is that he can not, will not be reformed through counseling or any other method because he doesn’t believe he needs to be changed. He is unavailable and, sadly, this is the nature of the beast.
Next, you. You, my friend, are a fallback girl and therefore are as likely unavailable as he is. After all, like attracts like or, in this case, unavailable attracts unavailable. It simply manifests itself in different ways in fallback girls. You, very simply, need to walk away and work on your own issues. Yes, you have them.
Point one: you played the male Mr. Unavailable in your past relationships. You loved ‘em and left ‘em on your own terms. You yourself said you ate them up and spat them out. Obviously, there’s a reason for that.
Point two: you decided you were ready for a grown up relationship but you did not choose, or attract, a grown up. To attract quality men worthy and capable of a grown up relationship, you too must be worthy and capable.
My guess is though you have never had trouble attracting men, you view your worth in your ability to do just that and in your looks. There’s a reason that they say beauty is skin deep. What you see in the mirror does not necessarily reflect what you, or others, see on the inside. Because you can lure ‘em to bed and then toss them aside, I think you think that is a good thing. And the cold, hard truth is that it’s not. It’s a deficit because that’s where you have found past validation. The fact that this guy isn’t letting you call the shots or responding to the tricks you’ve used in the past may be more of a reflection of you than him.
So counseling? Yes. For you. Get yourself together. Work on yourself and on loving yourself and then, and only then, is it time to find a relationship.
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Honey April 8th, 2009, 12:35 pm
Amen.
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searchingwithin April 9th, 2009, 9:31 am
I third that.
searchingwithin´s last blog post..TGIF – The Five Best Love and Relationships Articles From Around the Web – #4
Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts April 9th, 2009, 9:45 am
Great advice!!! Very well done.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog post..I’ve Made My Choice
lisaq April 10th, 2009, 5:48 am
Thanks ladies!