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Can Celibacy Increase the Quality of Your Relationships?
In a recent episode of Bones, Angela (Michaela Conlin) is dumped by her lesbian lover. Angela is a self described “live in the moment” girl. She lives by her heart and is not one to plan for the future. After the break up with Roxie, she finds herself having a quick roll in the hay with her ex-finance, Hodgins (T J Thyne). When he explains to her that for a couple to really be together, they have to think about the future, she begins contemplating her philosophy.
Later, when Brennan (Emily Deschanel) says, “Like me, you are not swept away by your emotions. You remain rational. You use your brain to pick someone for sex and companionship,” Angela is unsettled. She doesn’t see herself in the same light as Dr. Brennan at all. This leads her to discuss the situation with Dr. Sweets (John Francis Daley), the resident psychologist. Sweets suggests Angela choose to be celibate for 6 months which will give her a chance to connect with people on a different level. A very sexual being Angela, at first, refuses to even consider the option. Later, she realizes Sweets may very well be right and makes the choice, a difficult one, to become celibate.
One episode later finds Angela obviously struggling with her choice. She has never faced such a challenge and finds herself lusting after every man she comes in contact with. Following Hodgins advice to burn off some of her pent up sexual energy through exercise helps some. She is also reminded that sexual release does not always have to be achieved through intercourse. She is determined to see celibacy through though it is obviously not going to be an easy task.
So the question becomes will Angela’s sacrifice will be worth it? Will she learn to connect with people on a different level thereby increasing the quality of her relationships? It remains to be seen of course, but I think it brings up an intersting question. Can we indeed increase the quality of our relationships by choosing to give up sex?
In the introduction of Sex Is Not Compulsory
But the biggest plus for celibates is that they usally find their relationships with other people are improved. As they are non-sexual, they tend to see others as individual human beings, rather than simply as bodies which can be categorized attractive or not attractive and accepted or rejected as such. At the same time, they do not suffer to such a great extent from the negative emotions associated with an active sex life, such as greed, jealousy, lust, possessiveness, dependence and anger.
I do think it’s important to make a distinction here. We are talking about choosing a lifestyle here. About making a concious decision not to have sex. We are not talking about the fact that you haven’t gotten laid in 6 months. It’s a very different thing. It’s not a self-imposed celibacy. If you simply haven’t had sex in forever, chances are that it just happened that way for whatever reason. It does not mean that you chose to be celibate. Therefore, you more than likely are feeling very frustrated and your focus is very likely on getting some than improving your relationships. The results will not be the same.
I’ll be honest enough to say that my periods of celibacy have not been self-imposed, at least not conciously. And, equally honestly, I’m sure that I would struggle as much as Angela seems to be. At the same time, I believe that there is something to the idea, and I think it’s something worth careful consideration for a girl who has struggled with feeling that sex is all men want from her.
What about you? Could you, would you, choose a period of celibacy if it would enhance the overall quality of your relationships? Thoughts?
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Honey April 6th, 2009, 12:01 pm
I kind of think that having a stable sexual partner is what allows you to treat everyone else the way that you reason above – I am not looking at everyone I meet//talk to sexually because I get that at home.
So I don’t think I’d try celibacy! I do think that if you are single that it might be a good idea to choose not to have sex until you know it means something…but I don’t know if I could stick to my guns on that if I actually was single!
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lisaq April 7th, 2009, 6:33 am
I agree Honey. Those in a healthy, committed relationship have these benefits built in. You are already automatically connecting with people in a different way. I do definitely see the benefits for singles but sticking to our guns would definitely be difficult.
Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts April 7th, 2009, 10:14 am
I absolutely would choose celibacy if I thought it would improve on my relationships. I do choose to wait to sleep with any guy I meet to fish out his intentions and make sure this is more then a booty call because I don’t do those and I must admit it goes a long way into weeding out the misfits.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog post..All The Men I’ve Loved
searchingwithin April 7th, 2009, 12:37 pm
I agree with Tee, I don’t choose to be anyone’s “friends with benefits”, or a “one night stand”, been there, done that, and I am looking for more substance than that, so I choose to wait it out until we both know where we are planning on heading.
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