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Are You Penduluming in Your Relationships?
My first marriage was a debacle. He was manipulative and controlling often threatening to send me home to my mom if I didn’t fall in line with what he thought I should do. Ironic because in many ways he reminded me of her. He often berated ridiculed me and accused me of cheating. After Kira was born, he often said that she probably wasn’t his. She was. There was no unfaithfulness before or during the marriage.
On the day I told him I wanted a divorce, we were camping with his family. He had made one more demeaning comment, and I had had enough. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, he started packing us up. He asked his dad to borrow a trailer and, when we arrived home, called my parents to tell them he was bringing me home. He even took control of that. Even so, I was relieved the whole nasty experience was behind me and I vowed I would never again find myself in that situation. No. Next time I would find a man who was completely opposite. One who would allow me to be in the driver’s seat of the relationship.
In an article for The Huffington Post, Auren Hoffman described penduluming like this:
When us humans come out of a suboptimal experience, we tend to over-correct in the opposite direction in our next experience. Repeated over-correcting results in pendulum-ing (which is often sub-optimal behavior).
Oh boy did I pendulum! And I did it completely consciously. I had been in a horrible place–a place I was determined never to visit again. In my mind, it was the kind of man I had chosen, and I vowed never to choose the same kind of man again.
Hoffman explains it this way:
For instance, let’s say you dated a workaholic investment banker and the relationship goes sour (for reasons not qualifying you to be part of Dating a Banker Anonymous). The next person you may be inclined to date might be a starving artist or someone completely in the opposite direction. In reality, if you dated that investment banker but you just wished they worked a bit less, you may want to date a trader, lawyer, or accountant.
In dating, many people are always looking for the opposite of the person they last had a relationship with.
As it turned out husband number 2 was not what I needed in my life either. Doing a 180 did not solve the problem. As I have said before, being the control freak in the relationship soon lost its appeal. It was fun right up until it wasn’t and I realized that I needed a man who not only could but would match wits with me. One who would stand up for himself and for what he believed what right–not one who would be a “yes” man.
As you read, Hoffman believes that it’s about degrees. Rather than dating a workaholic investment banker you choose a professional who maybe doesn’t work as much but still has some of the qualities the banker had which attracted you;. In some ways, I agree completely. In others, I disagree.
The problem with penduluming, as I see it, is that you are not taking into account the role you played in the relationship. For example, when I pendulumed to husband #2, I didn’t take a good hard look at the role I played in the ending of the marriage with husband #1. Yes, he had a lot of issues. Then again, so did I. I had low self-esteem and did not believe in or trust myself. Since I didn’t take the time to look at that, I obviously did not work on these things.
Had I taken a harder look at myself and worked on me and my own issues, I might have realized that penduluming was not the answser. In fact, it wasn’t until after marriage #4 that I finally took a good hard look and realized that the common denominator was me. It wasn’t that I chose controlling, narcissistic, manipulative men entirely. It was why I chose them. The fact that they shared those qualities actually says more about me than it did about them.
Thoughts?
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auntiegwen March 13th, 2009, 9:37 am
Honey, I got nuttin, I can’t figure out a single thing ! if I could, would I still be with Mr Unavailable ?
Somedays I don’t know my own name !
auntiegwen´s last blog post..A week in numbers
searchingwithin March 13th, 2009, 2:37 pm
That’s it exactly, “It’s why I chose them. The fact that they shared those qualities actually says more about me than it did about them.”
I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize that, and start searchingwithin.
searchingwithin´s last blog post..Sexercise An Intimate Way to Connect
Craze March 13th, 2009, 4:45 pm
When we look deep at our own selves we can usually find many answers to why we choose the men we choose. Without that accountability we can’t grow and change. We chose controlling, manipulative men because that’s what we believed we deserved.
lisaq March 16th, 2009, 7:54 am
Haha Gwen. You’ll figure it out sweetie.
Oh searchingwithin. Me too!
Yep Craze. You’re absolutely right. That’s exactly why I chose them.
Honey March 18th, 2009, 9:33 pm
I did this for a looong time, and that’s why I became a “commitment phobe” for a while….still wanted to date, but wanted to figure things out and be sure. That’s a pendulum, too! Going from LTR to LTR to only first and second dates…
Honey´s last blog post..Busy, Good Things
lisaq March 20th, 2009, 6:53 am
Yeah definitely a pendulum too Honey. One extreme to the other absolutely qualifies!