Are You Running From a Fear of Being Alone?

I’ve been giving loneliness a lot of thought. Last week I wrote about how to manage loneliness. There were 6 strategies outlined by Cindy Targosz in her book Dating the Younger Man: Guide to Every Woman’s Sweetest Indulgence that seemed to me to make a lot of sense

One of them was to “be seen.” You need to be out in the world doing whatever it is you enjoy doing. Play sports, join a club or organization, volunteer or take dance lessons. Anything. Everything. Just get up off the couch and go. But…

And it’s that ‘but’ that has given me pause for thought ever since writing the article. Cindy warns not to get too busy. She says that overscheduling can actually make you more lonely. In fact, some people overschedule to cover up a fear of being alone.

That struck a chord with me. I have a friend whose day planner never has a spare moment in it. She schedules and schedules and schedules all the while complaining about how busy she is. She’s the same girl who doesn’t have TV and who admittedly doesn’t know how to sit and do nothing.

What I’ve realized though is that she’s afraid of time to actually be able to think. She fills up her time trying to fill up her heart and, the sad truth of it is, it will never work. There are many things at play here but a couple are very important.

The girl is definitely covering up a fear of being alone. Even when she’s in a relationship, she’s lonely because she jumped in to the relationship soley for the purpose of not being alone. She needs, or at least thinks she needs, external validation from men. The more slots filled in her planner, the more she can delude herself into thinking she’s just busy rather than admitting she’s terrified of being alone.
If she gives herself time to sit and think and relax, she’ll have to think about the fact that she doesn’t like spending time with herself. She’ll really have to admit that she has all but no self-esteem. That would mean self-examination and reflection which in turn could actually mean she might have to do something about the whole mess. This is something she’ll give lip service to but won’t actually get serious about.

Many people who work to the point of being a workaholic are actually doing the same kind of thing. My friend China is a perfect example. A classic Mr. Unavailable, China, uses an ex he’s never gotten over as an excuse not to move on. A few years ago he bought a house and has spent a lot of time and a lot of money renovating it. It’s beyond gorgeous except that it feels filled with ghosts. Not that his ex ever lived there with him, but when you walk into that home you can almost smell the stench of unrequited love.

China is an intelligent man and quite the computer wiz. In addition to his 40 hour a week day job, he contracts himself out in the evenings and on weekends fixing computers all over town. He has a good reputation and is in high demand.

In fact, between the 9-5, the house rennovation and the computer gigs, the man has no time for anything which is just the way he likes it. He doesn’t have to stop and think about how miserable and lonely he is and how haunted and empty his beautifully rennovated house feels.

As I mentioned in How to Manage Loneliness, it’s about balance. It’s getting out there doing things you love while interacting with people. But it’s also about doing it for the right reasons. Running from your fears or your past isn’t going to resolve anything or keep the loneliness at bay. So before you add one more thing to your already overflowing calendar, be sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. And, if you’re not, take the time to figure out what it is you’re running from.

Thoughts?

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Posted by lisaq on Wednesday, March 4th, 2009 and is filed under Books, Featured, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

9 Responses to “Are You Running From a Fear of Being Alone?”

auntiegwen March 4th, 2009, 10:26 am

I used to feel like this, now if I have a weekend with nothing to do, I just enjoy being x

auntiegwen´s last blog post..As others see you
searchingwithin March 4th, 2009, 10:27 am

Excellent article. Just another way that we run away from ourselves. What you speak of is no different than using an addiction, to run away from what we don’t want to feel.

I personally got real tired of running, and I have finally stopped, and turned around to start facing my fears head on. Fight or flight. This time I choose fight. It’s time to do some heart cleaning.

Best Wishes

searchingwithin´s last blog post..Is Your "Attraction Radar" Broken?
Sandy March 4th, 2009, 9:09 pm

Very well said. You have a lot of valid points. Being alone and being lonely are two separate things. I also have a friend who is terrified at being alone so she gets into relationships immediately without further getting to know the man. But even when she is in a relationship, she feels lonely so she becomes clingy and needy, which ultimately pushes the guy away. It is a vicious cycle. I wish she could understand that the loneliness doesn’t come from being alone, it comes from what’s within herself and how she sees herself.
Infinity March 4th, 2009, 11:25 pm

Well written here. I want to go on but the words just aren’t there. I have felt this before and people go about this and not even realize what they are doing to themselves.

Its hard to get over, sometimes.

Infinity´s last blog post..5 Reasons Why Men May Be Hesitant to Get into an Exclusive Relationship
lisaq March 5th, 2009, 6:30 am

I hear that Gwen!

Me too searchingwithin. Running is exhausting!

They are definitely two separate things. It’s a very fine line.

Thanks Infinity. You’re right. Some people don’t even realize it.

lisaq´s last blog post..Viagra for Women
Certified Diva March 5th, 2009, 8:16 am

Excellent post, I was just starting a series about Singlehood on my blog, so its awesome that you posted this article. I feel like people should be encouraged to nuture the relationships they DO have, with themselves, their friends, their spirituality, and their family. But realistically we all get lonely… even those who are married and sitting on the computer isn’t going to help, like your article stated get up, get out, and do something!

Certified Diva´s last blog post..If you’re single and you know it, clap your hands!
Honey March 6th, 2009, 5:51 pm

I know folks like this, too – I used to be one of them. Now I have finally reached the point in my relationship where if the BF isn’t home, I’m like, woo-hoo! I can watch Desperate Housewives, The Bachelor, or read a book! You don’t always have to be in the same room…

Honey´s last blog post..Top 10 Signs You’ve Become an Adult
SINgleGIRL March 7th, 2009, 6:45 pm

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since I first read this post a few days ago. I think I’ve been guilty of doing the keeping myself too busy to think thing. In fact, I know I have. Now I’m a lot more comfortable with my alone-ness and try to enjoy the time I have by myself. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes I get lonely. And sometimes that loneliness is painful. But I force myself to face it and acknowledge it.

SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Lies And The Liars Who Tell Them (More Fun With Online Dating)