20-forty.comBecause love isn't always 20/20!
Giving Up Your Friends When You’re In A Relationship
One of the things I’ve always struggled with in dating is keeping my own life and my own friends when in a relationship. While I recognize that much of that is tied to control, I also think that it’s a fine line. It’s a gimme that once in a LTR, you are going to be spending more time with your significant other as the relationship moves forward, but I think you have to be careful that you don’t give up everything in the process.
It’s not just so much not going out with the girls. It’s more like his group of friends become your group of friends and your own friends fade away into the background. Weekends are spent at barbecues with his friends, game day is at his house with his friends and, if and when you go to the club, you go with him and his friends. Your own friends get a demotion of sorts and are relegated to an occasion week night dinner or a movie matinee on Friday.
Obviously, I’m not saying that making new friends is a bad thing. What I’m saying is that you have to find a balance or one day you may wake up to find your friends have moved on without you. No one wants to be an option or a second choice. They may not hang around while you are busy with your new man and his friends. In fact, because they have their own lives, they have probably moved you down in status somewhat and are busy hanging out with people who choose to hang out with them.
Losing yourself and your identity in a relationship is not healthy. Putting your friends on a back shelf while you hang out with your man and his friends is doing just that. If this is something you are prone to doing, you are putting yourself at risk for being controlled and manipulated.
Don’t:
- Sacrifice your friends for his.
- Put all of your eggs in one basket.
- Get swallowed whole by the relationship.
- Give up everything friends included.
Do:
- Find a balance between spending time with him and his friends and spending quality time with your own friends. The relationship isn’t going to crumble into pieces if you go to a Saturday movie with your girlfriend. If it does, you shouldn’t be in it anyway.
- Keep your life, your interests, your identity.
- Imagine where you’ll be and what you will have left if it all falls apart. Is there someone you’ve maintained close enough contact to call and who will be there to help you pick up the pieces?
Bottom line: This man was not made to complete you or your life. You are a whole person already. A lover should compliment you and enhance the life you live.
Thoughts?
Related posts:
- Are You in a Relationship With a Narcissist? Many of you have probably been lucky enough to...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
auntiegwen February 5th, 2009, 8:14 am
I am home alone more Saturday nights than I am out. My married friends stay and home and watch tv, and my 1 single friend always has a date, if she can’t get one then and only then will she see me.
If I hadn’t texted her, we wouldn’t have met for lunch the last 2 Saturdays in a row. This is the same woman that begged me to promise that I would spend New Years eve with her so she didn’t have to face it aslone after she and her bf split in September.
This is the woman who complains bitterly if her friends won’t/can’t make time to see her.
auntiegwen´s last blog post..auntiegwen loves you
searchingwithin February 5th, 2009, 8:17 am
Excellent article. This can never be said enough.
This is something that all women need to be reminded of, over and over again.
I just let go of a friendship with a friend I have had since childhood for this very reason. I valued her friendship, but apparently, she didn’t value mine. I just simply told her, “If you don’t have time for me, than I am not going to waste my time on you.” Harsh!? Maybe. It breaks my heart.
searchingwithin´s last blog post..Difficulty in “Complimenting” a Woman
Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts February 5th, 2009, 9:36 am
I am in total agreement. I have said the same things to my friends forever.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog post..There’s Something Wrong With This Picture
lisaq February 6th, 2009, 6:28 am
Yeah. I hear that Gwen. It’s maddening!
Thanks searchingwithin. I have let go of friendships for the same reason. Very sad and frustrating.
Yep Tee. Now, if they would only listen.
Honey February 9th, 2009, 8:00 pm
Well, in my situation I don’t have any friends that I can physically hang out with because I moved to the city where he lived. It will be interesting to see what happens when we move to a city where neither of us knows anyone, which will certainly be within the next 3 years.
Honey´s last blog post..Our Financial Philosophy: Or, Grocery Store, Part Deux
christina February 10th, 2009, 7:09 pm
Word! In middle school I convinced myself that it’s a phase. You meet someone, fall madly in love with them, get involved with them, and then your friends are the casuality.
It’s so immature. I’ve let go a lot of friends over this over the years, and it bugs me that when they’re single that all of a sudden want to hang out…until they get into a new relationship three months later.
I try to be supportive of couples but it gets hard to keep up with friends who are careless with you. I’m currently seeing a wonderful new man, and one of the things he loves about me is my independent spirit. I don’t seem like I’d crumble over just because a man pays attention to me. So I make sure to do life like I did before we got together. I love spending time with him, but I also spend time with my friends. It helps give me perspective, keep us healthy and gives me tons to talk to him about when we are together.