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Learning to Be a Priority and Not an Option
So many times in our relationships we are asked to accept behavior that makes us feel as if we don’t really matter or are less important than someone or something else. It always amazes me when we accept this behavior as if it’s okay for someone to treat us as an option rather than as a priority. I’ll admit, I used to be one of those girls who bought the lame excuses and the accepted the crappy behavior as if it was the normal course of business to be treated just that way.
The Past
I can remember when I was dating The Soldier. He was constantly standing me up and blowing me off. He’d wait a few days until he figured my anger had blown over and then he’d call and give me some lame ass excuse. At one point I said something about not being able to understand why he kept doing this to me. Kira, always a smart girl, said, “He keeps doing it because you keep letting him do it.” Well duh. Not rocket science, is it?
And yet, I let him continue to treat me as if I was less than important. I was always, always an option. It didn’t matter if we had already made plans together. If something better came along, he was there and I was nothing but a distant memory. Even after Kira’s astute assessment of the situation, I continued to let him play me like a puppet on a string. And so did the next guy and the next and the next.
The Common Denominator
It took me a long time to figure out that much of this whole recycled boyfriend business was coming from me. I mean, after all, I was the only common denominator in the equation. Finally, I figured out that it was my own belief that I was unimportant that was at the root of the problem. They were only validating it.
Old Habits
I’ve recently realized something about old beliefs. Ultimate left a comment on my post about not being that girl that really started me thinking. She suggested that maybe the reason guys were thinking of me in that way was because deep down I believe that I’m not good enough for a relationship. Well hmmmm….
I’ve been working on clearing those nasty old, self defeating beliefs for going on two years now. How the hell long does it take? And that’s when it hit me. It took 40something years to get where I was, to build those beliefs, to live them. Why would I think I could change them in the blink of an eye? Old habits are hard to break. Isn’t that what they say? For more than 40 years I believed I was unimportant and not good enough. Of course, it’s going to take some time to change my whole belief system. Duh.
A Work in Progress
That doesn’t mean nothing has changed. It just means I am a work in progress. Recently, I had an experience that showed me that I have indeed made progress. I reconnected with someone I had met online last spring. We began chatting and getting to know each other finally setting our first date for New Year’s Eve.
It was a great first date. We had a fantastic time laughing and dancing. Over breakfast, after the club closed, he asked to see me again. I went home feeling very optimistic. We talked every day for a week. Several times he asked when he could see me yet he never actually set a date despite my telling him I was looking forward to seeing him and letting him know when I was available.
By the time Friday rolled around, there was still no date set. For the next two days, I heard nothing from him. Obviously, something somewhere had changed. By Sunday my curiosity had gotten the best of me and I texted him. I told him I was confused and asked what had happened. He apologized and said that he had gone to the K-State game and then had been helping a friend moved. He said he was sorry he hadn’t called.
Ahhh…that pretty much says it all. It says that even though he had said he was interested and that he wanted to see me again, something had changed. Something, somewhere had made me the girl who was good enough to hang out with if he didn’t have anything better to do. I had become an option rather than a priority.
And that’s not okay with me. Look, if he had really wanted to see me, there were plenty of other options to do so over the weekend. Sunday brunch or a late lunch would have been just fine with me. I wasn’t asking for premium Saturday night date night at that point…just an opportunity to explore whether he was someone I wanted to continue to get to know.
Now I know everything I need to know. For the first time in my life, I set my boundaries and knew what I could and could not accept, and I stuck to it. That’s a victory. A big one! It may be that I still have growing and learning to do. It may be that there are still lessons to learn, but I have definitely learned something big along the way. Feels real damn good!
Thoughts?
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Craze January 15th, 2009, 12:11 pm
Yay, good for you! For 40 years I also believed I wasn’t worthy of someone great to love. I work (it seems daily) to dispell old negative habits and voices in my head, we ARE a work in progress. Baby steps girl! We must pat ourselves on the back and jump up and down when we do set boundaries and stand up for us!
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SINgleGIRL January 15th, 2009, 1:58 pm
Excellent post!! And timely too. This is something I’ve been battling with myself (no secret there). It’s so nice to read that I’m not the only smart, attractive woman out here who still falls prey to this habit of mind.
I’m really proud of you for the way you were able to set those limits from the very beginning, this time out. I’m going to try to do the same.
SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Spoiler Alert (Ex Files)
lisaq January 16th, 2009, 7:15 am
Thanks Craze! Damn! It feels good! And you’re right…it’s about baby steps.
I think there are a lot of us battling it SINgleGIRL. You certainly are not alone. Thanks girl!
Sulis January 23rd, 2009, 2:23 am
It was a godsend to find this post. I’m around your age, and I’ve had similar issues and history. Now I’m involved with a man for about a year who has moved in to the classic Get Close/Pull Away phase: we get together and things are wonderful, then he does a mini disappearing act. He makes regular time to hang out with his best friend (which I whole heartedly support), but he seems to have difficulty planning any regular time with me. And again, when we get together…it’s great. He’ll take time off from work to spend time with his teen kids (I have kids and have NO problem with his kids being a priority) but he has extreme difficulty spending more than a day and a half with me at a time, even on weekends.
I realize men need their space (I need it too), but then it dawned on me that this divorced dad is very conflicted and has a hard time making me a priority. So I made myself The List: His kids come first, then his passion to play team basketball, then his work, then me. It was not easy to make that list, but I needed to face reality. Ocassionally I do float to the top, but like your post made clear, I have become an option and rarely a priority in his life.
I’ve started taking care of myself, pampering myself, going on trips solo, spending more time with my friends. Of course, that’s when he calls more. I can tell he feels left out. He tells me he misses me. It’s genuine But I have to be consistent to change my behavior and to have any hope of evolving our relationship.
I’m currently holding out…for My Self. If he misses me, he will need to really show it. He will need to begin to make me a priority…not all the time, but enough so that there’s a balance with my willngness to sometimes make him a priority. So far, partially good: he’s decided to move to be closer to me (we’ve been in a pseudo long distance situation). This is a big deal. He wants to make things work better. He’s a work in progress too, like I am. I’m trying to stay patient. And bottom line is that we love each other. But I hate being an option at this point in my life. I deserve better. We deserve better.
lisaq January 24th, 2009, 6:06 am
Good for you Sulis. This guy is obviously emotionally unavailable. That push/pull tactic is a classic EUM move. I hope you are right in your assessment that he loves you. I’m not sure I buy that. A man who loves you and is emotionally available will make you a priority on his own accord. And, many times, these men will do what they need to do to reel you back in when they feel you pulling away. The minutes they’ve got you where they want you, they’ll go cold again.
Honey February 9th, 2009, 7:25 pm
My first two major relationships were with guys who did EXACTLY this, and then I was pretty relationship-phobic for a long time and was the emotionally unavailable one. I don’t mind any more, though – I had to go through everything I did so that when my sweet BF came along I’d be ready for him!
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