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I Am So NOT That Girl!
I have no idea how it happened. Honestly. Sure I like to go out and hit the clubs once in awhile, but the truth is that most of my nights are spent at home with my cats. Rarely do I go out more than a couple of times a month. Yet, somehow I have managed to become known as a party girl.
G has had students say, “Her? Isn’t she kind of wild?” when she mentions my name. The Math Teacher perpetuates it telling people, “Call lisaq. She always goes out.” But seriously, I’m not that girl. I’m the girl who curls up with a cat and a good book in the evening. The girl who loves to watch TV. Party girl? Me? Not so much.
And yet men I meet seem to get the same impression. I don’t understand it. Now, I admit, the last thing I am is your typical teacher. I’m certainly not conservative, and there are no horrid “teacher” holiday shirts or mom jeans in my closet. I’m definitely not traditional. But wild? Hardly.
Even when I do go out, I don’t drink myself stupid. I know my limits and rarely exceed them. Even more rare is drinking so much that I wake up in the morning with some dude I don’t know and hope I never see again. It’s just so not me.
Men also seem to see me as the girl who is good enough to have sex with but not to have a relationship with. This confuses me even more. I am not the girl who is into casual sex. It leaves me feeling empty. I’d much rather have sex with someone I have an emotional connection with. It is just not something I do.
I love flirty innuendos, I admit. I like to dance on the edge. And sometimes, they come out without me even trying. And, yes, I sell sex toys. That makes me a sensual, sexual person. It doesn’t make me easy or cheap. In fact, I can count the number of times I even had sex in the last year on one hand.
And, okay, I’ve been married four times. So? That doesn’t make me easy either. It makes me a girl who has a past. It makes me a girl who started out her relationship career with a handicap. A girl who might be a slow learner; who it took 40something years to figure things out. It doesn’t make me the girl who doesn’t deserve a life partner. I do. Maybe more than most. And that’s what I’m looking for kids. Someone to spend my life with.
So can I just ask WTF???
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moody.bitch January 12th, 2009, 11:33 am
“Men also seem to see me as the girl who is good enough to have sex with but not to have a relationship with. This confuses me even more. I am not the girl who is into casual sex. It leaves me feeling empty. I’d much rather have sex with someone I have an emotional connection with. It is just not something I do.”
I’m confused by this myself. It seems to me the only way they’d get this idea would be if you *are* having casual sex with them (i.e., before building an actual relationship).
And, if you know casual sex leaves you feeling empty, then it must be something that you have, in fact, done (otherwise, how would you know how it makes you feel).
So, are these men literally telling you upfront, “Hey, I’d like to have sex with you, but I don’t want to have a relationship with you?” Or are they backing away from your attempts to create a relationship after sex has already taken place?
Ultimate January 12th, 2009, 2:43 pm
My one comment would be that it is you, not the men, that feel that you are good enough to have sex with, but not a relationship with. You give off a “vibe” and men pick up on it. If you think that you are good enough to have a relationship, that will come out in your relationship with men and they will take you more serious.
Remember the saying, “you get what you put out there”.
Ultimate´s last blog post..I am in LOVE!!
Honey January 12th, 2009, 8:43 pm
In grad school I gained a rep for being a commitment-phobe because I was never in a relationship. IMO, it was because I was afraid of committing – to the wrong guy! As soon as I met the right guy, it all changed. It is tough when other people aren’t picking up what you’re putting down…
Honey´s last blog post..Snowboarding, Sickness, and a Breakdown at the Grocery Store
lisaq January 13th, 2009, 6:16 am
Good questions moody bitch. Perhaps I should have been more clear. I never claimed to be a complete innocent and have, of course, had casual sex before else I wouldn’t know how it makes me feel. It is not, however, something I have done in a long time. I am, in fact, typically very upfront about what I’m looking for and what I want…that being a LTR and not just a sexual relationship. Some have told me upfront yes, but no they are not backing away after attempts to create a LTR after sex has taken place. I have gotten to the place where I can see it coming. The way he treats me, a change in not only frequency of phone calls, but content, etc.
Ultimate, I think you may have hit the nail on the head. I grew up believing I wasn’t good enough and that was exacerbated by the 4 divorces. I have worked very hard the last few years to clear that belief, but obviously I have not been totally successful and still have work to do.
You’re right Honey. It’s tough. It really frustrates me, but given Ultimate’s insights perhaps I’m not really putting down what I thought I was.
SINgleGIRL January 13th, 2009, 4:20 pm
lisaq,
Please don’t go blaming yourself for what others choose to believe. Most women(myself included) like to blame themselves for everything that ever happens in our lives. A guy doesn’t take us seriously – we weren’t demanding his respect. A guy wants a NSA relationship from us, we must be sending out the vibe that we were interested in something like that.
It’s entirely possible that the guys who aren’t taking you seriously wouldn’t take anyone seriously because they’re bozos who aren’t ready for a serious relationship and the one who wants a NSA relationship from you wants it from someone and is going to keep asking until he finds a taker.
OK, I’m rambling here. All I meant to say is that you just keep doing the best you can and perhaps think about not taking responsibility for the actions of others.
SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Let’s Not Be Friends
lisaq January 14th, 2009, 7:30 am
Thanks SINgleGIRL. I soooo appreciate your encouraging words. And I know you’re right. Some of them definitely wouldn’t take anyone seriously.
Hot Alpha Female January 22nd, 2009, 9:23 pm
You absolutely deserve to find the right guy for you. But don’t dispair. Because where you are NOW is exactly where you need to be.
Once you accept that, it makes it a lot less miserable.
Now this is a really interesting post. So here is how I understand it. You have this image of yourself and who you are. But are frustrated because men, seem to misinterpreting what this image is.
Now I could go on about how all the men in the past who mis-read you are at fault and blah blah. But I don’t want to give the power to something that you cannot control.
Here is the sitation. You are half of that equation. Yes there are the men that you cannot control. But then there is you and YOU can control your actions and your thoughts.
If you want to know what vibe you give off, then ask some of your close friends or people you just met, what their first impression of you was. Then you wil start to build a better picture of what vibes you are giving out.
I think that everything is our responsibility but nothing is our fault. With this, it means that you can take action on what needs to change without putting the blame and guilt on yourself.
Hot Alpha Female
Hot Alpha Female´s last blog post..It Wont Make You Happy – So Stop Trying
lisaq January 24th, 2009, 6:17 am
Thanks for reminding me that everything is our responsibility but not our fault HAF. That’s something I had lost sight of somewhere along the line. I actually have had some friends lately tell me what their impressions of me are. It was very enlightening…pleasantly so. I also appreciate you reminding me that where I am now is where I’m supposed to be. That’s a hard one to remember sometimes. I think because we want more and accepting that we have to go through the steps isn’t always fun.
Gina March 5th, 2009, 6:27 pm
Yeah… I now realize (well, over the past year) the reason why I was attracting such assclowns and unavailables was because subconsciously I didn’t feel good enough. I had a tough upbringing which I wasn’t respected or valued therefore didn’t know how to treat myself that way, or feel it, so in turn attracted what I felt about myself. Thank god I see the truth now and continue towards healing… so I can attract good things into my life now.