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Reader Question: Help! I’m Torn Between 2 Men and Don’t Know What To Do!
A reader asks:
I am currently dating a younger man by 10 1/2 years. I am 42. We have many common interests and have always had an attraction to each other. I enjoy the way he allows me to not be so serious all of the time. What is hard for me now that we are about 7 months into our relationship is where it can go. One…he still lives at home and although he has been able to a lot of traveling which has given him life experiences it is much different. I appreciate where he is in his life and of course he does have plans of moving out. At the same time I don’t know that I can wait for him. I know that I love him…he makes me feel amazing and he feels the same about me. Do you just follow your heart and how you feel, or do you put your head into all of this and do what you think is right and should do?
The other side of the coin is that I also have another person in my life that is my age, but I work with him and it is a tough situation. He is very well established, never been married, no kids…of course lives on his own, loves to travel, nice things, good looking kinda your dream guy. He is 40 and I work with him. I am 42. We started our relationship November of 2008 but it had to be very private because of the work situation. We would see each other for dinners on occasion but it mostly met at his place. He made me dinners and was very nice to me but never wanted to get too close. At times I felt like I was chasing him and he didn’t really want anything too serious.
That’s when I met my other guy…who I have actually known for about 3years. We literally ran in to each other one day while we were each out for a run..I am a marathoner and he is a tri-athlete. We have lots in common and soon we were dating. I never really felt like I was cheating on the other guy because our relationship was so random. But…when I told him about the younger guy..that is when he became more interested and decided he didn’t want to lose me.
He has spent the last 6 months trying to do whatever he can to “win me over” I guess you could say. The thing is I enjoy being with both but I know that is not the right thing to do. I had made a decision that I only wanted to be with the younger guy but it is hard because I also have to work with the older one and there are still feelings there. Some of those feelings are that I think he could make my life easier..money wise. And he is truly a wonderful person and would do anything for me.
But still I am so drawn to the younger guy. He makes me laugh, has so many hobbies and friends, and we have friends alike. We are into the same sport, cook together, learning to play guitar together and yes the sex is amazing.
lisaq says:
I think it’s pretty well known around here how I feel about older women/younger men relationships! But I recognize that not everyone agrees and I’m the first to admit that there are obstacles.
The truth of the matter is that the issues you are dealing with in regard to the younger guy are common in age-gap relationships, but I’ll also tell you this. In the world of age-gap relationships, 10 years really is not a big gap. You’d be surprised at the number of relationships where there is a 15 or even 20 year gap. Have you heard of the rule of seven? It says that you divide your age in half and add 7 years. So, in your case, 42 divided by 2 is 21 plus 7 is 28. What all of this supposedly means is that it is socially acceptable for you to have a relationship with any man 28 or older. Not that it’s a hard and fast rule obviously, but if you’re worried about how society views age-gap relationships, this gives you an idea. Never mind that, thanks to celebs in such relationships like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, younger men/older women relationships are becoming more accepted.
But all of that aside, it seems to me that it’s more of a decision of choosing between the two men than the age-gap itself though I’m certainly not discounting your concerns about that. Even more importantly in my view, is that you seem to be trying to decide between the safe/steady/stable and the fun/exciting. Lord knows there are many things to consider in both relationships.
Safe, steady, and stable sounds nice but, at the end of the day, is that how you want to live your life? I would worry that you will become bored with him. And how do you really feel about him? I don’t hear anything that says he makes your heart go pitter patter. Yes, the work situation is complicated. It always is when you enter into a relationship with someone you work with. Believe me, I’ve been there. I know it can be very awkward especially if you decide to end the relationship. Even so, it’s not worth staying in the relationship just to avoid that discomfort.
On the other hand, I can feel your pitter patter with the younger guy. Your excitement about him and your relationship shines through. Put the age issue aside for a moment and think about how you feel when you’re with him. You seem to get along well, have fun together and have many things in common. If you’re only concern is the age-gap, then I’d say don’t make an issue where there truly isn’t one. What’s more important than age is how the two of you relate to and interact with each other.
The other consideration is whether or not you are both in a place where you want the same things or not. Does he want kids? Do you? Are you looking for the same things in a relationship? Really, these things are more important than the years you happen to have been born in.
I am concerned about his still living at home though. Is it a convenience because of the travel involved in his job? Has he ever lived on his own? If he’s always lived with mommy, you could both be in for some major, major adjustments. Definitely something to think about.
kira says:
As my mom knows all too well, I am not the biggest advocate of huge age gaps in relationships. Maybe it is because I am fairly young and if I was to date someone 10 years or more younger, I would have to go fishing in junior highs- not good. Maybe it is because I watch my mom’s attraction to younger guys and it freaks me out that I’m old enough to date the same guy she is interested in. But I digress…
I have to say that I don’t think you are torn between two men in the least. You are torn between what you consider to be a seemingly sensible choice and a seemingly not-so-sensible choice. The older man can offer stability, as he is established and responsible. But while he may have qualities that every girl’s father would find admirable, it doesn’t mean he is the right fit for you. You are using him as an excuse to pull away from the younger guy. Cut him lose, it is obvious that you are not that into him.
As for the younger guy, it is obvious that you are pretty smitten. The key is to not let your infatuation overcloud your judgment. In all reality, the age gap is a minor detail as far as this situation is concerned. So myself and a few other people don’t always view age gaps as okay, well, screw us. This is your life and your relationship, and it is, quite frankly, no one else’s business if you want to date him. But just be sure that you are both on the same page before you go diving head first into Xbox and dinner at Mom and Dad’s. As my mom said, you need to make sure that you have similar goals and plans for your future- such as having children or not.
I will be honest though. The thing that bothers me the most is that he still lives at home. Why? Does it really just work out the best that way? Or is he too cheap to get a place of his own? Or does he just like Mom doing his laundry and making his dinner? If he has a momma’s boy complex, RUN! Even if my mom and I still lived in the same town I wouldn’t be able to live at home (sorry momma). It is cheaper, true, but how are you to ever find independence and stability if you never learn to struggle through a few months of barely being able to pay rent? I don’t find men that still live at home even remotely attractive, no matter what age they are. But that’s just me…
Whatever choice you make, make it because *you* want to and because it will be what will make *you* happy. Choose one of the guys or neither of the guys or take more time to mull it over, but whatever route you choose has to be for you. We love giving people advice, but that at the end of the day none of what we say matters if it isn’t what you want. Good luck!
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Barb January 6th, 2009, 12:15 pm
Hi Lisa and Kira,
Thanks for your thoughts on my situation. It is funny that you are both concerned about the fact that he still lives at home. First let me say that he really is not a “momma boy” which I am quite sure of. The major reason for him living at home right now is because of financial reasons. He has been to University and has a degree in business. From there he lived overseas for 4 years (on his own) in Hungary and Turkey. He did quite a bit of traveling around when he was there. His parents are originally from Guyana (yes he is dark and I am white) which to me is not an issue whats so ever. It also is not an issue with my kids, friends or anyone. He is also at home to help out his mom as much as possible as his dad has Parkinsons. When he returned from overseas he went back to school and is now a Fire Fighter and EMT. Although it is a noble job..to start out they don’t earn what they deserve. He also teaches EMT and coaches swimming which he has done for years. (Hence the attraction to Triathlons) His strength is swimming mine is running.
We have talked about kids and he doesn’t want kids of his own. He is fine with making mine a part of his family and also enjoys his nieces and nephews. I would be ok with either..but would probably perfer to not have any.
As you have both said…the age thing is not really an issue with me so much as where we are in our lives. Most people would guess that I am about 35 but I never hide my age…I’m proud of it.
He has also purchased a house in the past with a friend and then flipped it. He is thinking of doing something like this again. We have talked about what it would be like to live with one another, which we are not ready for yet but he too says he wants to bring something to the table.
Pitter…Patter is an understatement. Have you seen that clip on Bambi when they talk about being “Twitterpatted” you can look it up on You Tube and it is so cute. Even we have talked about it and we are both very much “Twitterpatted”
As for the older guy…yes he is the stable, more realiable one. (well I don’t know if realiable is the right word) but you know what I mean. He has great qualities and there is a part of me that loves him but I know that it is not the same. I am not “Twitterpatted” with him!!
So I guess in my heart I know what I want to do. When I had mentioned about life being easier with the older man that is true. But I know it would not be as much fun. The great thing is that I don’t have to choose because of money…I make that on my own which is a good feeling being single and a mother of two. I have been doing it on my own for the past 6 years.
Anyway…thanks for your thoughts I would love to hear from anyone else.
Barb
lisaq January 7th, 2009, 7:34 am
You’re welcome Barb. I hope we were helpful. I think twitterpated is definitely the way to go! We may still get some more input so keep checking back!
Barb January 7th, 2009, 4:15 pm
Hi,
I would love to hear if anyone else has come up against the same situation, I can’t be the first!!
Honey January 11th, 2009, 12:51 pm
She sounds torn between the guy she knows she wants and the guy that society will judge her for not wanting. Go with your heart!
Honey´s last blog post..Snowboarding, Sickness, and a Breakdown at the Grocery Store
lisaq January 12th, 2009, 6:49 am
Exactly Honey! Couldn’t agree more!
Barb January 17th, 2009, 7:30 pm
Its really not about what society thinks or how I think I may be judged. I’m very comfortable with my age and his and that the fact that we are 10 years apart is really not the issue. The issue is more where he is in his life. What bothers me most is the fact that he does lives at home. Even though he has lived on his own for approx 4 years overseas it was different when it comes to actually the responsibility of home ownership, two teenage girls, a dog, etc…
He is very care free and easy going and he can be because he does live at home. His responsibilities are go to work and teaching on the side. The rest of his time involves training for Iron Man. There doesn’t seem to be a thought of wanting to earn more income. He enjoys his freedom and personal time. I somewhat envy his attitude but because of where I am at I can’t just be so relaxed. I too have an option of taking a job that I would perfer to do but it pays far less. Sure it would give me more time to do what I want but I would not be able to pay for bills that are a reality. His mind set seems to be that things will be fine and that I think too much.
Perhaps I do and I should just sit back and enjoy because when we are together it is great. But I still think being with the older guy would give me both. There is just not that complete all out crazy exciting feeling that I have when I’m with the younger guy.