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Recognizing Signs of Control and Manipulation and Knowing if You Are Ripe for the Picking
Ironically, it is quite often the weakest of men who stalk and capture…Strong, confident men have no need to control. Only those who are empty inside have to or they cannot survive themselves.
-Ann Rule, Mortal Danger forward
Kira recently wrote an article about Ms. Rule’s latest bestseller, Mortal Danger
It was the knowledge that I was married to two very controlling men myself. I found myself thinking that for the grace of God, I could have been the victim of something much scarier than I ever imagined. Kira followed up comments on her post with this statement:
You’re right, Honey, no matter how smart or independent, anyone can easily become a victim of a sociopath. Mom and Craze, you’re right, sociopaths *are* good at manipulation and control. They have the ability to adapt their conversations and actions according to who they are interacting with so as to win that person over. By the time their charm erodes, it is often too late for women to bail out safely.
We all like to tell ourselves that we would never stay in an abusive (physical, mental, or emotional) situation but that is a true instance of “easier said then done.”
Kira’s right. And kids, here’s the thing. Women who fall into relationships with these men often honestly don’t realize what’s happening until it’s much too late. I can attest to that personally. It happens so quickly and so smoothly that you have no idea that you are losing yourself and being taken over by someone else.
Obviously I can’t speak for Kate Jewell or Turi Bentley, but I can tell you how it happened to me.
I’ve written before about my situation and how I grew up believing that I was not good enough and unimportant. I won’t go into those details again, but suffice it to say that by the time I met the most controlling of men in my past, these beliefs were well established and, I believed, validated.
They were, for me, truth. I had so much to be proud of. I had raised two beautiful daughters virtually on my own and had gone through college as a single parent and earned my degree and teaching certification. I thought of myself and strong and independent, yet deep down my self-esteem and self-concept were at rock bottom. I viewed my accomplishments with pride, but never merged them with the reality of who I thought I was.
I was also operating on some weird notion that marriage was the ultimate end of a relationship. I’ve mentioned that to my mom, and she says that she has no idea where I would have gotten the notion. Yet it seems to me that she believed for me to happy and respectable (very important in her world) that I had to have a husband.
Regardless, when I met him, my self-esteem had taken yet another beating because of my third divorce. I think that a part of me felt I had to prove that I could be a success at marriage. I was in a very vulnerable place. I was struggling financially, I was lonely and I was terrified of spending the rest of my life alone. Not a good combination for a girl who already believed she wasn’t good enough or even deserving of love.
He swept in, paid attention (not just to me but also to the girls), and the next thing I knew we were moving in. It was seriously a whirlwind. He was always there. We traveled. He took us to concerts and booked trips to Vegas. The first three months I could barely catch my breath.
He was sweet, funny, and gracious. He shared his secrets and made me feel as if I could share mine. I just didn’t know that they would be used against me later. But about the minute we moved in together things began to change…he began to change. Even so the changes weren’t huge at first and seemed like nothing more than bumps in the road.
Kira bore the brunt of most of it. It seemed she could do nothing right in his eyes which was completely ridiculous because she was the easiest teenager on the planet. I tried to keep the peace and restore harmony. (Hey, I’m a Libra. It’s what we do.) After all, it had only been a few months and I wasn’t ready to admit I’d made a mistake yet.
And then we got married. He began the isolation process. I didn’t have many friends to begin with so he easily cut me off from them. He started cutting my parents out. He refused to go to movies with them because my mom has a habit of talking during them. At one point he told her that he would go with them if she promised to be quiet during the movie. She was visibly taken aback. We always went to California for Christmas, so family holidays were effectively cut out.
He also began the process of making me dependent on him. He undermined what little confidence I had constantly telling me my ideas or plans were stupid. He was mean and condescending. Suddenly the girl who had graduated suma cum laude felt like an idiot.
There was also financial dependence. He took over all of my financial obligations except my car payment. I, being oddly naive, thought that he was giving me freedom from the financial stress I had dealt with as a single parent when, in reality, it was done so that I couldn’t leave him for financial reasons. He thought that I would never go back to not having “two nickels to rub together”…his words. That I would spend, spend, spend so that there was no financial safety net and I would, therefore, not have the resources to leave him. And he was right…I did. I spent like a woman possessed. Shopping became my solace.
But what he didn’t count on was that once I realized what had happened, I’d find a way. I’d know that no cost was too high to get out and to find myself again. My drive to be me gave me the strength to face the obstacles and get my life back.
And I was lucky. Not only did I get my life back, but I also learned what had my me vulnerable to him to begin with and I vowed I would not ever put myself in a position to be in that place again.
Look, Ann Rule is right. These men who control are weak. It is only through control that they can feel whole. It’s not unlike the school bully. They make themselves feel better by wielding control and power over others. They have to in order to survive. But, in order for them to do so, they have to find just the right person to control.
Begin with low self-esteem. Throw in feelings of inadequacy, feelings of failure and the belief that no one will ever love you and you have the perfect setting for this kind of manipulation to grow. Because in the beginning, before they have a hold on you, they will exploit those things and play into them. They know what you want to hear, what you need to feel, and they will provide it. They are experts are reading people and then preying on their weaknesses.
The best defense is a strong offense. In this case, that means discovering who you are and learning to love and value yourself for the incredible person that you. Realize that you have to do this not only for your own well being and happiness but, quite possibly, for your own safety.
See I was lucky. I truly don’t believe that I was in a potentially violent situation, but as Kate Jewell knows all too well, not everyone woman who finds herself in such a situation are. And Kate, in a sense, was lucky too. Much luckier than Turi Bentley.
As Kira mentioned fortunately for women in these situations, there is help, there is hope. There are shelters and counselors in every state, ready and prepared to help women. If you or someone you know is in such a situation, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or TTY 1-800-787-3224 or visit their website at www.ndvh.org.
Thoughts?
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Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts January 5th, 2009, 4:01 pm
Wow Lisa…..what a compelling story. I am so glad you were able to get past all of that.
auntiegwen January 6th, 2009, 3:07 am
At the time, you can’t see it, you have no perspective. It’s only when it’s over you can view the situation for what it really was.
Sending you the love, you are an amazing woman, don’t forget that x
auntiegwen´s last blog post..Happy Hogmanay
lisaq January 6th, 2009, 7:38 am
Thanks Tee. It was a long road girl and, though I’d never go back to something like that, I learned a hella lot!
That’s the truth Gwen. Thanks girl! Love you!
MindyMom January 6th, 2009, 11:13 am
I have been there myself – a few times. I’ve since learned a lot about sociopaths, and about why I allowed them into my life. I had a big fat bullseye on my head but now I can identify the red flags when they happen. I learned that anytime I’m made to feel uncomfortable, like somethings not right – even when you can’t put your finger on it – to take notice and be very cautious.
dadshouse January 6th, 2009, 11:46 am
I agree, that’s a compelling story. I can relate to it completely – except in my case, it was the girlfriend who eroded my self esteem. In front of friends, she was the kindest, sweetest, most giving, compassionate person. In private, she would verbally attack me when it suited her. Crazy.
lisaq January 7th, 2009, 7:40 am
Me too MindyMom. It feels good to know you can see ‘em coming now doesn’t it?
Thanks dadshouse. I’m glad you chimed in. I think we sometimes forget that women can be controlling and manipulating to this extent. It can happen to both men and women.