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Reader Question: What Are the Rules of a Break?
A reader asks:
It is common these days to hear that a couple that has been dating for awhile is on a “break”. My question is what are the rules to being on a break? Are both parties able to go on a date with others? Can they hook up with someone and not hear about it later from the person they are on a break with? I can’t help but think about the episode of “Friends” that Ross and Rachel were on a break and, I believe Ross slept with someone and Rachel constantly reminded him of it. I could have the roles reversed. If you can go out with whomever, doesn’t that qualify as a breakup? If you can’t doesn’t that mean that you are a couple? The term break is thrown out there a great deal these days, so I am curious as to if there are a list of rules that one must follow when on a break? Maybe you have been on a “break” before and know what is excepted and what isn’t.
lisaq says:
Ugh! I hate talk of rules in dating period. Seriously, why do there have to be rules? You do what feels right in the situation.
Feel like calling on the first day after a date? Go for it. That 3 day call rule is BS. Can’t have sex until the 3rd date? Why the hell not if it feels right on the 2nd date? See my point?
Rules are for school, for mom and dad to impose on their children and for entering contests. Period.
If you and your partner feel the need to take a break, the two of you have to decide what the parameters of that break will be. I mean really, are you going to do a quick Google search and check the rules before you agree? I think not.
What it really means to take a break is determined by the relationship itself. Only the two of you know the ins and outs of it and therefore, only the two of you should make decisions about it.
It could be that one partner is feeling smothered and just needs a little breathing room. Or maybe there’s a lot going on at work or with the family and he or she needs time to get those things worked out without the added pressure of dealing with the relationship.Then again, maybe it is an excuse to play the field.
The point is that the reasons people feel the need for a break in a relationship are as varied as people themselves. Rules simply can’t be one size fits all in these situations and, therefore, can’t be applied as such.
kira says:
I’m not sure I understand why this is even a question. To say that there is a one size fits all “break” is ludicrous. If a couple is on a break, the “rules” are established by the couple. End of story.
If a couple decides they need to take a break, it is up to them what the guidelines should be. They need to establish whether or not it is ok to see other people or whether they just simply need a breather from each other. In friends, Ross and Rachel didn’t establish whether or not they were going to see other people. Therefore, Ross ended up with someone else meanwhile Rachel wanted to reconcile.
Bottom line is that if a couple goes on a “break” and hasn’t established that it is an official “breakup,” then they need to discuss whether or not they will be seeing other people. It isn’t the same for every couple.
Brad K. November 10th, 2008, 11:03 am
Is life a series of sex adventures, or is a relationship a means to build a family/LTR? I figure you either have a relationship with trust, respect for yourself and your partner, discipline, and emotional ties to sustain me. A break just seems to be a way to manipulate your partner - or create a sordid plot line on TV.
I don’t get it. Why not sort out the issues - or leave?
Brad K.´s last blog post..BR: Love slip-sliding away
Honey November 10th, 2008, 1:16 pm
Well I think that a break is something that happens when a relationship is in trouble, and the purpose of the break is to decide whether those issues can be resolved or whether the couple needs to break up completely. The idea of dating while on a break sounds horrible - to me the purpose of a break is to create a space where both people have the room to think through the problems/issues and come to a decision about whether they’re solvable - without the other person’s pressure or interference. It also gives you a chance to put your argument together without being overwhelmed by emotion. Obviously dating other people while on a break is *more* chance to disturb the reflection process with emotions and is inappropriate - but I guess those are just my rules?!
SINgleGIRL November 11th, 2008, 9:43 am
I think ‘a break’ is one of those dangerously vague phrases like ‘open relationship’. It means what you want it to mean and it can work as long as both partners wants the same thing. It won’t work if they say, “we’re on a break” and not explicit about what that means for them (same with open relationships, btw).
SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Dysfunction Junction
bobby November 11th, 2008, 10:33 am
“Ugh! I hate talk of rules in dating period. Seriously, why do there have to be rules? You do what feels right in the situation.”
This should be made into a plaque! lol
I have a little trick I use in most relational matters that I’d like to share here with you all: communicate with each other!
we all like different flavors and need to decide which flavor is right for us
p.s. I’m having trouble with a script while loading the 20-forty page. I Don’t have that problem with any other blog? I couldn’t twitter my way over here yesterday because a script wouldn’t let me.
bobby´s last blog post..Helping us to help ourselves.
dadshouse November 11th, 2008, 4:37 pm
I think if you reach a point where you feel you need a break, you’re just fooling yourselves - you probably need to break up, but are too chicken!
I agree with lisaq, don’t follow any rules, just follow your own instincts and intuition.
lisaq November 12th, 2008, 7:07 am
I think Honey has nailed the spirit behind the break. The problem is that it’s not often viewed that way. Guys, you’re right….rules suck.
Don’t know what’s up with your script error Bobby. That’s weird.
Cathouse Teri November 12th, 2008, 9:20 am
You’re right. Rules are for school.
This “break” idea, to me, is just idiotic and contrary to the very foundation of a trusting relationship. It’s just someone being too cowardly to be honest with themselves and the other person. (Which I believe is what dadshouse said, too.)
If one person (or both) in the relationship feel like they are not sure this is what they want, they should just say so. They break up. Move on. And then later, if that person decides he/she was wrong and wants to get back together, they just have to take the chance that the other person is still available and also that they are willing to try it again. Would be hard to rebuild the trust, though.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!