20-forty.comBecause love isn't always 20/20!
Is It Okay to Date an Ex’s Friend?
Breakups suck. During a breakup, we feel almost every emotion under the sun. That feeling is often amplified when our ex partner hooks up with or begin a relationship with someone new, in fact, it sucks like hell. So what happens when your ex partner’s new somebody is your friend, best friend, or relative? It sucks more like hell.
Scenario number two: you find yourself attracted to your friend’s ex and, what’s worse, the attraction is mutual. What do you do? Do you date your friend’s ex and possibly jeopardize a good friendship or keep a friendship and possibly miss out on the love of you life?
So, is it ok?
Bobby says:
If the parties concerned are going to see one another on a regular basis, there is going to be a bit of jealousy in most cases. I think in most people’s minds there is an unwritten code that says that it’s NOT ok. However, we know that this does indeed happen and I believe it has to do with the laws of attraction. The law of attraction kicks in hard after the break up happens because, as these people all knew each other, the attraction was there while the couple were together. The guilt that one may feel as well gets, most times, over ridden as we start qualifying that it’s ok because. “Well, they ARE broken up now” and “My friend wants me to be happy” etc.
kira’s two cents:
Luckily, I have never had to go through this sort of situation. However, if it were to ever come up, here is how I would handle it:
If I had a mutual attraction with my friend’s ex, I would talk to her about it before acting on anything. If she said that she would not be ok with it, I wouldn’t pursue anything. On the flip side, if she said it was ok I may be tempted. But during our discussion I would pay attention to her body language as well her words. Just because she says it is ok, doesn’t mean it really is.
Now say I was on the receiving end. If I found out that my friend was with my ex, especially without speaking to me about it first, I would more than likely be angry. However, it would also depend on which ex boyfriend it was. I can honestly say that it would only bother me if it was one ex in particular. Assuming my friend spoke to me about it first, she would have my blessing with any of the rest of them.
So is it different for men?
As far as gender differences go, I think women may be more sensitive to it than men, but I don’t really have anything to back that up rather than that it’s a general impression that I have. I do think maybe some men (Don’t jump all over me. I said some.) think it’s okay to ‘bang’ a friend’s ex. I have seen that happen in more than one instance, but I don’t know about actually dating her.
Bobby doesn’t think so. He says:
I don’t believe there is a gender difference except that men tend to have more ego about it, whereas woman tend to have more hidden jealousy. I don’t believe it is more right or wrong for either gender though.
I have had another guy date my ex. But in my case, I stayed away from them so that any hard feelings that may have surfaced wouldn’t. It worked out well in that case.
Speaking From Experience
dadshouse says:
Can you date your ex’s friend? I wouldn’t do it. I’ve been on the receiving end, where a buddy dated one of my ex’s. (Meaning, she dated her ex’s friend.) I was cut out of their new social group. And when they broke up, he was cut out of hers. He and I never repaired our friendship. And neither of us talk to her anymore.
There are billions of people on the planet – plenty of fish to choose from! Don’t date your ex’s friends.
Lisaq’s take:
Years ago, shortly after high school, my best friend moved to the town I was living in and moved in with me. We had been very close and I was so excited that she had moved to town and that we were roomies. She’d been there a few months and had taken a job at a local nursing home. It was Christmas time and everyone was throwing their annual holiday parties. Her employers included of course.
She mentioned the party but never said a single word about having a date for the event. I had been out somewhere when she was getting for and going to the party, but had come home before her. I was just chillin’, eating a bowl of ice cream and watching TV when I heard the front door open.
In she walked with my ex b/f from high school. I couldn’t believe it. He and I had dated for more than 2 years. She knew how hard the break up had been on me and yet in she walks, into my home, with him in tow. He had been her date to the party.
I’m not sure I can describe the sense of betrayal I felt in that moment. Would things have been different if the element of surprise had been taken away? If she had talked to me beforehand and told me her intentions? I can’t say. I do know it made such an impression on me at the tender age of 19 that I never dated the ex of a friend or an ex’s friend. It hurt. A lot. And I certainly didn’t want to be responsible for causing that feeling in anyone else…especially someone I cared about.
So what do you think? Is it ever okay to date an ex’s friend or the ex of a friend? Is there an unwritten rule that says it’s not okay. Is it different for men than for women? Thoughts?
Related posts:
- How to Keep Your Friendship Intact When Your Friend Meets a New Man I’ve written extenisvely in the past about managing your...
- Reader Question: How do I tell my friend that her boyfriend is an ass? A Reader Asks: My best friend has been dating...
- Auntie Gwen’s How Not to Date Guide-Guest Post By Auntie Gwen I couldn’t resist this one, and...
- 7 Things You Should *ALWAYS* Do On A Date You know we’re always seeing tips telling us what...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
auntiegwen November 7th, 2008, 7:24 am
Tricky one, I suppose it might depend on how serious the relationship was. Although I have no desire to get back with my ex husband after 2 decades together, could I let a friend date him ? That would be a no.
auntiegwen´s last blog post..At school today…
Craze November 7th, 2008, 4:42 pm
NO, it’s never ok.
lisaq November 8th, 2008, 4:13 pm
It definitely can be Gwen. It’s something I obviously learned I couldn’t do and I think I would be hurt still if a friend did to me.
Haha Craze. Short, sweet, and to the point!
SINgleGIRL November 9th, 2008, 3:20 pm
OK? That depends, I guess.
There’s a pretty good chance you’re going to lose the friend over it. I have a friend who lost a good friend and roommate over a guy. The roommate only went out with him a couple times, there were no sparks (she said she totally wasn’t into him). When my friend met the guy out a month later and he asked her out she immediately asked permission from her roommate. Roommate said “sure, what do I care, I didn’t like him.” Skip ahead several months, roommate is insanely jealous, their friendship is destroyed and my friend is looking for a new place to live. A couple of years later and my friend and the guy are engaged.
Some would say my friend did nothing wrong. I agree. She was honest are respectful of her roommates feelings and if roommate said no, don’t date him, she wouldn’t have. And now she’s marrying the guy. She did nothing WRONG. But what she did do what put her friendship at risk. And I think that that will ALWAYS be the case when someone’s ex (even when they only went out a couple of times and permission was asked and granted) is involved. Jealousy is a strange thing. It isn’t rational.
SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Dysfunction Junction
lisaq November 10th, 2008, 7:15 am
Jealousy definitely isn’t rational. It does some weird crap to us doesn’t it? I wonder if, in this case SINgle GIRL, it was because she found what you were looking for with someone you had gone out with. Just a thought.
Lance November 10th, 2008, 10:42 am
It can be okay, but time is the biggest factor. Basically you need to wait long enough until the other person is “over” the ex, or has moved on to something else. Personally, I would wait until my friend has dated around a bunch or found a new SO. I’ve had one very good friend date (and eventually marry) my very first girlfriend, which was literally years after we broke up…it’s still stung just a little bit, even though I had way moved on.
Also, generally speaking, guys are very temperamental about their male friends banging their ex-gfs. They have this ownership feeling that takes awhile to dissipate. Obviously, that’s a bad thing, because ti’s a hardcore sign of insecurity.
For me personally, I would have no problem with a pal banging an ex these days.
Lance´s last blog post..Barack Obama Tells Us What Romance Is
lisaq November 10th, 2008, 8:37 pm
I think maybe time could help some Lance. Still, I”m not sure it’s something I’d be okay with depending on a lot of factors…time, intensity of the relationship, etc.