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He’s Just Not That Into You…WTF???
Women all over the world have been singing the praises of He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
For example, if he doesn’t call, if he doesn’t make plans with you in advance, if he doesn’t introduce you to his friends, etc, etc, he’s just not that into you. Well, frickin’ duh! I actually read this book when I first heard about it? And the truth is It’s nothing but common sense folks. Yet women all over are singing its praises like it’s the next Bible. Really, the only thing the author has done is point out what we really already know (mostly). Maybe we don’t always want to believe it, but we know it.
A Better Read
The flip side? A better read? One more honest, one more worthwhile…
Be Honest–You’re Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve
In this book Dr. Ian Kerner takes an in-depth look at the world of sex, relationships that aren’t going anywhere and the rough cycle of dating, preparing women with the right tools to change their dating habits. Kerner shows women how to find the right guy by never settling for just anyone, and encourages them to get the best man they feel they deserve. Read an excerpt from the book below:
Excerpt:
Introduction: Are You Really into Him?Men are jerks. We don’t call when we say we will. We lie. We cheat on our wives and our girlfriends. We leave the toilet seat up, and we engage in a host of clichéd behaviors that modern dating guides lay out in obvious terms so you can move on with your lives. Yes, some men are jerks. But you know that because you’ve dated us. And you’re smart enough to know that when a guy doesn’t call you, it means he’s not that into you.
But despite your intelligence, you’ve begun to operate on his terms. And who can blame you? Go on enough bad dates and your hopes of finding love are sure to diminish. You start to make adjustments, taking a realistic and pragmatic approach. You begin to settle. You know that frogs don’t turn into princes, so you lower your standards enough until it gets difficult to tell the two apart. Whether out of good old-fashioned horniness, social pressure [combined with the perception that there are no good men left], or simply the dismal dating disappointments you continually face, you’ve lowered your standards perhaps without even realizing it. But in doing so, you’ve forgotten that while he may be showing you that he’s not that into you, the truth is you were never really that into him in the first place. Be honest. You were with him while you were waiting for something better to come along. He wasn’t that great to begin with but he was better than nothing. Or was he?
One of the interesting premises of the book? That men and women are wired differently especially when it comes to sex. Now, I know this sounds like another gimme. We all know this already right? But really think about it. Think about how each gender views a one night stand for example.
Men and Sex
Traditionally men can have them and walk away without another thought. Sex for the sake of sex. Easy, stress relieving and no attachments or entanglements. Get horny, get laid, and then get on with life, right?
Women and Sex
Women? Not so much. Get horny, get laid, and imagine yourself in love. Damn hormones!!! A woman has a one night stand and, thanks to biology, she manages to form an attachment where it doesn’t exist. She imagines she feels more than she really does. And this, my friends, is how we end up with men who just aren’t that into us. Then again, we’re not that into them either.
So We Settle
As Kerner points out, we settle. We settle for a man who’s not compatible, who we have nothing in common with, or hell. a man that we may not even really like. And we freak out when he doesn’t call or stands us up (again) or whatever the hell the case may be. After all maybe it’s better than being alone. Or at least it’s someone to be with until the right guy comes along.
Other Ramifications
Oh and let’s not forget the other ramifications of this. Respect. Even now, hundreds of years after The Scarlet Letter, women who have sex with men on the first date or have a one night stand are considered easy lays.
Really? And what are the men? Easy lays? Nope, they get patted on the back and receive a bunch of attaboys. A man on a dating forum once wrote that it made him wonder if the woman had sex with every man she went out with on the first date. Hmmm, could be she’s thinking the same thing. Ya think? He disrespects her for something they BOTH did. WTF??? Ah, the ole double standard. How nice.
So my point? Come on people. Dating is hard enough don’t you think? Why complicate it even more?
Bottom Line for the Guys
Guys, just understand the consequences of that easy conquest. Yes, even for you there are consequences. Can you say stalker? Obsession? It could very well happen to you. And think about what you might end up with. A woman who is settling. With you. A woman who is just hanging out with you until the right guy comes along. That sounds nice huh?
Bottom Line for the Girls
Ladies, you’re not idiots. And you don’t need a book to tell you when a guy’s just not that into you. Just own it. Accept it for what it is and move the hell on.
Bottom Line for Everyone
What WE ALL need to do, men and women alike, is know ourselves, know what we want and love ourselves enough to accept nothing less. Period.
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bobby November 2nd, 2008, 10:02 am
So true, so true! Especially:
“What WE ALL need to do, men and women alike, is know ourselves, know what we want and love ourselves enough to accept nothing less. Period.”
The shame is that many times what we say and what we do is two different things.
bobby´s last blog post..Threatened by other’s relationships.
Meghan November 2nd, 2008, 11:12 am
Just never, never, never, never settle! Never tell yourself it could be better – make it better! Never lower your healthy standards. Never become somebodys second place.
We all deserve happiness, however long it takes us to find it!
SINgleGIRL November 2nd, 2008, 3:43 pm
Great post. I stopped reading books like these years ago. I honestly don’t think anyone has anything new to contribute on the topic. You boiled all the essentials down to a few short sentences, “What WE ALL need to do, men and women alike, is know ourselves, know what we want and love ourselves enough to accept nothing less. Period.”
Of course, knowing what to do is the easy part. Doing it is the hard part.
SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Can’t Sleep
auntiegwen November 2nd, 2008, 3:46 pm
Yep, I’m not going to settle for less than I deserve.
auntiegwen´s last blog post..10 Things I don’t Understand
saneandsingle November 2nd, 2008, 5:47 pm
Looks interesting….I’ll have to check it out!
saneandsingle´s last blog post..Doctor, Doctor!
lisaq November 3rd, 2008, 8:46 am
Thanks Bobby! You’re right. Sadly, we oftentimes do exactly the opposite of what we say we’re going to do.
Yep, Meghan. We have to make it better…it’s up to us to do that. No one else has a bigger stake in it.
I hear you SINgleGIRL. I actually read both books a couple of years ago, but have started reading a few more lately. Sometimes they trigger something in my brain that I already knew, but didn’t necessarily want to acknowledge.
Yay Gwen! You go girl!
It’s a good read sane and single. And since it’s a few years old, you can probably pick it up for a few bucks at Amazon.com. Just click on the title link in the post to check it out.
Honey November 3rd, 2008, 1:34 pm
I agree with you and others (though I have had plenty of one-night stands and was fine with it, I have to say that would no longer work with me now that I’m older and am in a relationship that actually works).
The bottom line is, you can’t expect anyone to care more about your life than you do–and you should hold out for what you want (though I don’t know that “deserve” is the right word…)
Honey´s last blog post..Help! My BF Won’t Use a Condom!
lisaq November 4th, 2008, 7:15 am
Exactly Honey. You have to make sure your own needs are being met and that means holding out for what you want.
Phoenix Dates November 26th, 2008, 7:57 pm
I think we are forgetting the fact that some women have the ability to think and feel like a man. Only problem is that some men can’t actually believe that and THEY complain that we don’t call back….
Phoenix Dates´s last blog post..Hooch it up a little