Comments on: Why Men Cheat

By: bobby

bobby — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 14:00:34 +0000

Thanks Kira! "Maybe we should be talking about the fact that our expectations of monogamy are unrealistic." You have a valid point singlegirl, or maybe we can keep the faith, otherwise we are doomed to a relationship of mistrust? bobby´s last blog post..Cohabitation, is it right for you?

By: SINgleGIRL

SINgleGIRL — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 03:24:00 +0000

I think you all have good points (not to sound like a fence sitter). However, I'm of the belief that the question might just be moot. We're asking, 'Why Men Cheat'. The reality is that men cheat. Not all of them, but a lot. Maybe we should be talking about the fact that our expectations of monogamy are unrealistic. BTW, I firmly believe that women cheat just as often as men. SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Waste of Time

By: kira

kira — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 17:31:20 +0000

Craze, you are right, we should try to meet the needs of our spouse. However, I believe that Neuman’s points are very one-sided and generic, sort of a one-size fits all for every man that cheats. Perhaps his logic is that the emotional needs are the very basic reason for cheating…hmmm something for me to ponder!

Bobby, your view on the courtship phase, in my opinion, is dead on. Our initial attraction to people is a very physical one. We approach people we think are attractive and getting to know them comes later on. And you’re right, honest communication is the only way to get down to the real issues. Great insight!

By: bobby

bobby — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:23:34 +0000

“I don’t like is that Neuman makes it sound as if it is the wife’s fault if her husband cheats because she did not make him feel appreciated enough.”

Bingo, this was my first general thought about the whole article. I think I understand what he may be trying to get at, but I have to disagree with him.

Men are very visual, as I’m sure Mr. Neuman would agree, it’s unlikely that a guy is going to go back to when he first met the lady and had an interest in her, and say anything other than, “Damn she’s hot, I’d love to bang her!” (Excuse my forwardness here). I’m not saying every single male, but most by far are looking at how hot she is (as we are very visual).

If however he means to get back those things that were deeper to him after getting to know her a while (other than visual), then there’s a point to be made, but my take on it is different.
In the courtship phase of a relationship, we tend to want to put our best foot forward. If we are attracted to these things, but then they change after marriage or a long period of time, then maybe it wasn’t who we really were to begin with. How would one get something back that wasn’t there to begin with? No, honest communication, with possible counseling, would be the way to go to get at the real issues.

It IS about sex and attraction initially, but about honesty and communication afterwards.

bobby´s last blog post..Cohabitation, is it right for you?

By: craze

craze — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 21:39:14 +0000

I agree with Neuman. There is an even better book out by Dr. Willard Harley who basically explains Neuman's theory in better detail. As individuals we all have basic human emotional needs; nuturing, affection, sex, financial security, etc. They rate in importance differently for each person. If those needs aren't being met (by either partner) he or she is more likely to put themselves in a situation to have an affair. If you aren't getting enough affection by your spouse and someone at work is giving it to you then you respond. The same goes for sex. Which is why people cheat for different reasons. I think Neuman's point is that we SHOULD try to meet the needs of our spouse, that is after all what we signed on for. craze´s last blog post..Celebrate the women who have made a difference

By: kira

kira — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 18:31:17 +0000

Lance- I lean more toward your logic than Neuman’s. Having been cheated on and having been the one doing the cheating, I can honestly say it had little to do with appreciation from my partner and waaay more to do with a sexual connection with the other person.

By: kira

kira — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 18:22:39 +0000

BradK- I think the “grass is always greener” concept does play a big role. It’s a competition and the idea is to keep trading up prizes but that would insinuate that the prize is sex or a better looking woman. If true, that dispels Neuman’s argument.

cheekie- He does have a point, I’m just not sure he is *completely* on target. You are right, relationships take work and prioritization on both parts. Couples need to realize that their time together is valuable and necessary.

Honey- I don’t know how your BF did it with his prior girlfriend. To have an “allowed” list is absurd. Good thing he’s got you now . I completely agree that if the statistics were broken down that we would probably gain a different perspective on them. I’m also glad you mentioned women cheating because Neuman seems to make the subject a bit one sided.

By: Lance

Lance — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 18:11:43 +0000

I read the article and totally disagreed with it. I'm a dude and I've "cheated" on past partners. It's about the sex, and it's also about a missing emotional connection intertwined with sex like Honey is saying. Importantly, having sex with women, regardless if you're married or not, makes a man feel like a man, and there are a bundle of emotions attached to that. Let's be totally straight here. Finding a new chick and bagging her is masculine, and it's part and parcel of our sexuality. This can be handled maturely or immaturely, and it yes it conflicts with traditional, monogamous relationships. But we shouldn't ignore it, and we shouldn't blame it on something stupid like he's not getting enough compliments. That's completely off. Also, Brad K., sex isn't about making babies. Come off it. Lance´s last blog post..Help! I’m Getting Laid Too Much!

By: Honey

Honey — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 17:38:04 +0000

The BF cheated on his last girlfriend, and according to him it was at least partly sexual. She "let him" have sex with her once every 2 or 3 months, with a list of what was "allowed" (such as showers immediately prior, no morning sex, lights off, etc.), and predictably, the sex was awful when it was there. But all of that is evidence of a lack of emotional connection anyway--which was definitely also the case with them. I think sex and emotional connection are intertwined, anyway, I guess is what I'm saying. The BF and I have both, and now that we both work full time (which since I got my job is a first in our 2.5 year relationship) are deliberately making extra effort to spend quality time with each other for the very reasons listed above. I wonder how many men who have a wife and children cheat v. men who only have a wife v. men who are only dating? I think if the statistics were broken down a little more they would reveal a lot more interesting info. I also wonder about women who cheat, because I'm sure it happens for the same reason. I've cheated on past partners, but it was because I already knew the relationship was over and was kind of forcing myself into a situation that would finally get me to do what I knew needed to be done. Honey´s last blog post..Help! I’m Getting Laid Too Much!

By: cheekie

cheekie — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 15:18:14 +0000

I actually see his point. I don’t think it is intended to be quite as 1950’s misogynistic as it reads.

It is really easy to get lazy in a ltr. Everyday life and stresses can sometimes overwhelm you. Women tend to take on too much of the outside world and we do let it affect our home life. It’s just part of who we are. Doing too much for too many can make you feel very stressed and taken for granted.
Men on the other hand want to forget about stress, and try not to bring it home or have it affect their friendships etc.

You know that feeling? when you are stressed and your whole world suddenly sucks? Ya, we chicks have a great capacity for that….

I think that the point is that we ALL have to work a little harder at times to remember and show appreciation for the important people in our lives. The ones who are there day in and day out, instead of taking it out on them. In whatever way we do, be it being too tired for sex, too tired to just ‘hang out’ and have fun.

What’s more important, the laundry getting done and the kids bathed or spending some quality time with our partner?

Kids like being grubby occasionally, let em…

cheekie´s last blog post..damn you kryptonite…