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Why Men Cheat
While perusing CNN.com I stumbled upon an article about M. Gary Neuman from Oprah.com. Neuman is a marriage counselor who has appeared on the Oprah show a few times to discuss such things as why men cheat, how to affair-proof your marriage, and how to tell if your partner is cheating.
Neuman states that 1 in 2.7 men will cheat on their wives and for ninety-two percent of those men, sex isn’t the reason they cheat. They cheat because of an emotional disconnection with their current partner. They feel that their relationship lacks thoughfulness and appreciation. “Men are very emotional beings,” explains Neuman. The other woman helps to give them a self esteem boost.
Physical attraction doesn’t have much to do with it either, according to Neuman. His findings state that eighty-eight percent of men cheat with women who they consider to be no better looking than their wife. Neuman explains that this is because men are after the sense of feeling wanted, needed, appreciated. The other woman takes an interest in his job, his hobbies, etc., areas he feels his wife no longer cares about.
The solution (or prevention mechanism rather), offers Neuman, is to praise your partner and show your appreciation for the things that he does. He also suggests to think back to the initial interest you took in each other and try to get back to that point. It isn’t about sex, it’s about the sense of feeling wanted and having a kind, warm and loving partner .
I’m not so sure that I buy into what Neuman is saying. I realize it is ridiculous to think that cheating is solely about sex but what I don’t like is that Neuman makes it sound as if it is the wife’s fault if her husband cheats because she did not make him feel appreciated enough. Relationships are about give and take on both sides and if the husband feels this way toward his wife, perhaps he should attempt to talk to her about it first rather than resorting to cheating. Then again, maybe I have it all wrong.
What are everyone elses thoughts on the situation? Do you agree with Neuman or believe that his statistics and ideas are off? Have you been cheated on? How did you find out? Did he/she say why? Why do you believe it happened? If we all put half as much effort into our relationships as we do in attempting to hide an affair, would there even be a need or want to cheat?
Order The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
Brad K. October 22nd, 2008, 5:58 am
Much of cheating has to do with frivolous, childish attitudes about dating we learn when puberty first hits - in junior high and high school.
Families are often unkind to each other. Sibling rivalry, unavailable parenting, violent and aggressive peers - they all weaken or fail to complete the socializing that kids should be undergoing (in early elementary grade). This exhibits in upper elementary grades as cliques, as identifying some kids as popular, others as unpopular, and casual acts of cruelty and ostracism among peers.
Dating from that kind of background picks up on the class hierarchy distinctions, the gamesmanship to ‘go with’ the ‘best’, and show disdain for the ‘lowly’.
When dating gets more serious, many guys fail to grasp that the point of dating and sex is to make babies. Playboy and other porn sources, while excellent learning material, blatantly state that the point of sex is the childish one-up-manship of ‘banging’ the ‘best’ girl, or getting the farthest with a particular girl or in the class, etc. Provocative fashion, fascination with body development, and parental indulgence with sexy clothes, mannerisms, adornment, and activities don’t help.
So many guys and gals get all the way to ‘long term’ relationships without realizing that there are other goals and reasons beyond what they absorbed in the bathrooms in the fifth grade.
For many, cheating is a repeat of dating someone else to ‘get’ at their partner. When you pick ‘the best’ partner for her provocative looks, and she changes her hair, her sexy image - or her apparent fixation on him - his reason for being there is challenged. Cheating lets him explore whether ‘there is life out there’, which quickly becomes a fun new game.
When you pick a partner you respect, that you want to build a home and family with, and they are there for the same reasons, there is less problem. Instead of inertia driving either partner to continue the thrill seeking of dating wherever they find it, inertia will keep the content couple together.
cheekie October 22nd, 2008, 10:18 am
I actually see his point. I don’t think it is intended to be quite as 1950’s misogynistic as it reads.
It is really easy to get lazy in a ltr. Everyday life and stresses can sometimes overwhelm you. Women tend to take on too much of the outside world and we do let it affect our home life. It’s just part of who we are. Doing too much for too many can make you feel very stressed and taken for granted.
Men on the other hand want to forget about stress, and try not to bring it home or have it affect their friendships etc.
You know that feeling? when you are stressed and your whole world suddenly sucks? Ya, we chicks have a great capacity for that….
I think that the point is that we ALL have to work a little harder at times to remember and show appreciation for the important people in our lives. The ones who are there day in and day out, instead of taking it out on them. In whatever way we do, be it being too tired for sex, too tired to just ‘hang out’ and have fun.
What’s more important, the laundry getting done and the kids bathed or spending some quality time with our partner?
Kids like being grubby occasionally, let em…
xo
cheekie´s last blog post..damn you kryptonite…
Honey October 22nd, 2008, 12:38 pm
The BF cheated on his last girlfriend, and according to him it was at least partly sexual. She “let him” have sex with her once every 2 or 3 months, with a list of what was “allowed” (such as showers immediately prior, no morning sex, lights off, etc.), and predictably, the sex was awful when it was there. But all of that is evidence of a lack of emotional connection anyway–which was definitely also the case with them. I think sex and emotional connection are intertwined, anyway, I guess is what I’m saying. The BF and I have both, and now that we both work full time (which since I got my job is a first in our 2.5 year relationship) are deliberately making extra effort to spend quality time with each other for the very reasons listed above.
I wonder how many men who have a wife and children cheat v. men who only have a wife v. men who are only dating? I think if the statistics were broken down a little more they would reveal a lot more interesting info. I also wonder about women who cheat, because I’m sure it happens for the same reason. I’ve cheated on past partners, but it was because I already knew the relationship was over and was kind of forcing myself into a situation that would finally get me to do what I knew needed to be done.
Honey´s last blog post..Help! I’m Getting Laid Too Much!
Lance October 22nd, 2008, 1:11 pm
I read the article and totally disagreed with it. I’m a dude and I’ve “cheated” on past partners. It’s about the sex, and it’s also about a missing emotional connection intertwined with sex like Honey is saying.
Importantly, having sex with women, regardless if you’re married or not, makes a man feel like a man, and there are a bundle of emotions attached to that. Let’s be totally straight here. Finding a new chick and bagging her is masculine, and it’s part and parcel of our sexuality. This can be handled maturely or immaturely, and it yes it conflicts with traditional, monogamous relationships. But we shouldn’t ignore it, and we shouldn’t blame it on something stupid like he’s not getting enough compliments. That’s completely off.
Also, Brad K., sex isn’t about making babies. Come off it.
Lance´s last blog post..Help! I’m Getting Laid Too Much!
kira October 22nd, 2008, 1:22 pm
BradK- I think the “grass is always greener” concept does play a big role. It’s a competition and the idea is to keep trading up prizes but that would insinuate that the prize is sex or a better looking woman. If true, that dispels Neuman’s argument.
cheekie- He does have a point, I’m just not sure he is *completely* on target. You are right, relationships take work and prioritization on both parts. Couples need to realize that their time together is valuable and necessary.
Honey- I don’t know how your BF did it with his prior girlfriend. To have an “allowed” list is absurd. Good thing he’s got you now ;). I completely agree that if the statistics were broken down that we would probably gain a different perspective on them. I’m also glad you mentioned women cheating because Neuman seems to make the subject a bit one sided.
kira October 22nd, 2008, 1:31 pm
Lance- I lean more toward your logic than Neuman’s. Having been cheated on and having been the one doing the cheating, I can honestly say it had little to do with appreciation from my partner and waaay more to do with a sexual connection with the other person.
craze October 22nd, 2008, 4:39 pm
I agree with Neuman. There is an even better book out by Dr. Willard Harley who basically explains Neuman’s theory in better detail. As individuals we all have basic human emotional needs; nuturing, affection, sex, financial security, etc. They rate in importance differently for each person. If those needs aren’t being met (by either partner) he or she is more likely to put themselves in a situation to have an affair. If you aren’t getting enough affection by your spouse and someone at work is giving it to you then you respond. The same goes for sex. Which is why people cheat for different reasons. I think Neuman’s point is that we SHOULD try to meet the needs of our spouse, that is after all what we signed on for.
craze´s last blog post..Celebrate the women who have made a difference
bobby October 23rd, 2008, 10:23 am
“I don’t like is that Neuman makes it sound as if it is the wife’s fault if her husband cheats because she did not make him feel appreciated enough.”
Bingo, this was my first general thought about the whole article. I think I understand what he may be trying to get at, but I have to disagree with him.
Men are very visual, as I’m sure Mr. Neuman would agree, it’s unlikely that a guy is going to go back to when he first met the lady and had an interest in her, and say anything other than, “Damn she’s hot, I’d love to bang her!” (Excuse my forwardness here). I’m not saying every single male, but most by far are looking at how hot she is (as we are very visual).
If however he means to get back those things that were deeper to him after getting to know her a while (other than visual), then there’s a point to be made, but my take on it is different.
In the courtship phase of a relationship, we tend to want to put our best foot forward. If we are attracted to these things, but then they change after marriage or a long period of time, then maybe it wasn’t who we really were to begin with. How would one get something back that wasn’t there to begin with? No, honest communication, with possible counseling, would be the way to go to get at the real issues.
It IS about sex and attraction initially, but about honesty and communication afterwards.
bobby´s last blog post..Cohabitation, is it right for you?
kira October 23rd, 2008, 12:31 pm
Craze, you are right, we should try to meet the needs of our spouse. However, I believe that Neuman’s points are very one-sided and generic, sort of a one-size fits all for every man that cheats. Perhaps his logic is that the emotional needs are the very basic reason for cheating…hmmm something for me to ponder!
Bobby, your view on the courtship phase, in my opinion, is dead on. Our initial attraction to people is a very physical one. We approach people we think are attractive and getting to know them comes later on. And you’re right, honest communication is the only way to get down to the real issues. Great insight!
SINgleGIRL October 24th, 2008, 10:24 pm
I think you all have good points (not to sound like a fence sitter). However, I’m of the belief that the question might just be moot. We’re asking, ‘Why Men Cheat’. The reality is that men cheat. Not all of them, but a lot. Maybe we should be talking about the fact that our expectations of monogamy are unrealistic.
BTW, I firmly believe that women cheat just as often as men.
SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Waste of Time
bobby October 27th, 2008, 9:00 am
Thanks Kira!
“Maybe we should be talking about the fact that our expectations of monogamy are unrealistic.”
You have a valid point singlegirl, or maybe we can keep the faith, otherwise we are doomed to a relationship of mistrust?
bobby´s last blog post..Cohabitation, is it right for you?