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Civilly Uncivil
My mom recently wrote about friendship in her post Men Come and Go…Friendships are Forever. But what if she is wrong? Unfortunately a lot of friendships aren’t forever and a lot of it has to do with one or more guys. So what happens when the guy is gone and the friendship is damaged? Or worse, what if the friendship has turned into an awkward, barely civil relationship?
Here’s the scenario. You and your friend are friends with two guys (basically, there are two girls, two guys and everyone is friends with everyone) and one night your friend hooks up with one of the guys and you with the other, thanks to the influence of alcohol. Then things between you and the guy you hooked up with don’t work out, in fact you find out that underneath all of the muscle he is a big fat asshole who calls you names and constantly tells you how much you piss him off. Yet your friend is still rooting for him. What do you do when she flat out says that she will be pissed off at you if you “fuck up the circle of friends?” Nothing good can come from this.
So you argue about it a little and eventually decide it isn’t worth discussing because you are going to continue to think he is an ass and she is going to continue to be his friend. But things don’t get better. Talking about it makes things worse and not talking about it makes things worse.
To make matters worse, you come home and the guy in question is at your house because, of course, they are still friends. You feel like you want to vomit and punch someone all at the same time. After he leaves you make an attempt to say something to her about how upset you are and she tells you how stupid you are being and leaves it at that. The point isn’t that you are right and she is wrong or vise versa, the point is that without communication, no relationship can work. Maybe it is time to cut your loses and move past what used to be a good friendship.
But what if it isn’t that easy? Special circumstances don’t allow you to cut ties and you are forced into each other’s face everyday. Whats worse is you really would rather be able to work it out but you know that you will never agree and agreeing to disagree obviously isn’t getting you anywhere. You feel awkward when you are in the room together. The feeling as though you are an unwelcome stranger in your own room has now become the worse yet most familiar feeling you know. You resort to avoidance because it feels better then living with the tension.
As if things aren’t bad enough, what happens when she becomes good friends with another of your friends and you feel like their friendship is being shoved in your face at every turn? You want to scream, but that would be childish. You want to say something, but you feel like it will just make things worse. Do you just suffer through until one day you don’t have to deal with it anymore? Do you fight for a friendship when you feel like your friend isn’t willing to fight for it? Or do you forfeit the game?
Thoughts?
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lisaq October 16th, 2008, 6:35 am
Ummm…I’m never wrong.
Hehe…just kidding.
Seriously, there are some sad truths at work here. Some women just never get it. They never figure out that, most of the time, men come and go. They never realize that they have to find their self worth and validation in themselves and not in assclowns. The light bulb never goes on to illuminate the fact that they are being childish and ridiculous. They just never get it. It’s sad for everyone involved. For them because they have a world of hurt ahead. For you because you’ve lost a valued friend.
Maybe one day the assclown will pull something and she’ll see him for the douchebag he really is. Maybe then she’ll see what a dumbass she’s been…or it may be too late to repair the damage. The only thing that’s for sure is, as you said, without honest communication, there sadly may be very little hope.
Or maybe someone you know (hint, hint) should stage an intervention…just sayin’.
Honey October 16th, 2008, 3:38 pm
Ugh. I had a group of friends basically implode in my early twenties because my boyfriend and my best friend fell in love. They tried to pretend (even to themselves) that they were “just friends,” but my relationship with him was disintegrating and everything eventually fell apart. I don’t know if he cheated on me with her (nor do I want to know) but I ended up kicking her out of my apartment and cutting a whole swathe of people out of my life (she lost friends, too, as most of my sorority sisters took my side).
They dated for a long time (5 years, probably) and were even engaged for awhile, but did end up breaking up. I talk to them sometimes on myspace and it’s cordial, but we’ll never be friends again. It’s a shame.
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saneandsingle October 16th, 2008, 6:36 pm
Hmm…I guess I just don’t have a circle of friends like this, because I just can’t really see this happening amongst my girls.
saneandsingle´s last blog post..Good Morning
Kaci October 17th, 2008, 2:32 am
ok so what do you do if you are A) the person in between…the person who has to hear both sides and feels as if she has to choose sides and doesn’t want to have a discussion about it either because it will only make things worse and also because she isn’t the main person involved or B) is the friend and is stuck between two friends. she doesn’t want to lose either friend and also has to hear both sides to each story. Understandable that a guy should ABSOLUTELY not come between two friends but what happens when the guy is your friends friend? You have to pick between two friends? How do you even know this is all about this guy? Maybe it goes deeper. I believe, as lisaq stated, someone needs to stage an intervention.
kira October 17th, 2008, 11:52 am
Honey- I’m sorry you had to go through something like that. These sort of situations are sticky no matter how you cut it and you’re right, it is a shame.
saneandsingle- you are one lucky girl!
Kaci- let’s tackle point A. No one said sides had to be chosen. Friends are allowed to have multiple friends. It just gets shitty when that friendship is seemingly at the expense of another person.
On to point B. The friend, she can’t have cake and eat it too. No one ever said she couldn’t be friends with the guy as well but it shouldn’t have to be at the expense of her other friendships. Telling friends things like “I don’t want to hear it” when they try to talk to you about the situation, worsens things. The beauty of our country is that you don’t have to agree with what others believe but not being able to at least listen to what they have to say and make an attempt to understand their point of view can cause a lot of harm.
I also want to touch on your question of “how do you even know this is all about a guy?” You don’t unless you ask. But then again, if you ask, it would mean that you have to be willing to listen to the answer. If you don’t want to hear it, then it is all a waste of time.
As far as an intervention goes, it is more than likely too late.
Brad K. October 20th, 2008, 8:47 pm
Kira, the first thought about the circle of friends is that – your girlfriend lacks self esteem and respect. If she can’t put your unease above her dream of One Big (intimate) Family, she is making a tragic mistake, that will likely be repeated for the rest of her life.
As for dealing with it – I guess the best you can do is fall back to the fundamentals. Be true to yourself, be polite and courteous, and don’t expose yourself to dangerous people and situations.
It is the date you walk home from that proves your character.
There is a line I recall from Lutheran worship way back in my youth. “Each day the old Adam dies and a new Adam comes forth.” Don’t hold a grudge, forgive her for words and actions of yesterday – “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” Don’t do anything to upset her, or express your feelings about what went on.
At the same time, don’t agree to anything you find unpleasant or that you object to – or are afraid of. She isn’t your parent, she isn’t your trainer, and she isn’t responsible for your growth and behavior. Don’t give that power away.
lisaq October 21st, 2008, 5:19 am
Very good points BradK. You’re right. Kira needs to stay true to herself in this situation.