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Reader Question- Is There a Right Age to Get Married?
A reader asks:
As a young adult with friends in their 20’s the common question is often asked, when are you getting married? My response is usually “when Hell freezes over”. It is usually a joke, because lets face it, none of us know when we want to say our vows. I am curious to know if there is an unwritten rule that says you should be married by the time you are 30, 40, 50? I know that there are some that get married right out of high school. Is that too young? Is that the right age? I know that they say “you’ll know when the time is right”. But is does that mean as soon as you get that feeling you propose. How long should you date before getting engaged? Is a year long enough or 2 years? Does your age at the time matter? There are some high school sweethearts that go out for 3 years and then split, and I can’t tell you how many of them said they were getting married….but that didn’t happen. I know some that think they need to be married by the time they are 30 so they can have children, but getting married just to have children is selfish isn’t it? The last thing that anyone wants to do is get married just to get married and not because of love and devotion. Then about 5 years down the road…DIVORCE. So my question to you and your readers, is what is the right age to get married?
kira says:
Sorry pal, there aren’t answers to your questions. To attempt to answer them would make love and marriage seem like it is one size fits all, which couldn’t be further from the truth. There is no right age to get married or right length of time to date before you get married. There are people that date for just a few months before getting married and others who date for several years. Sometimes both work out, sometimes neither. It all comes down to the type of relationship. Timing has to be right for the couple, not for society.
The one thing you are right about it that it is selfish to get married just to have children. That isn’t fair to anyone, especially the child. Furthermore, it is wrong to get married just because you are pregnant (it usually doesn’t work out for anyone, trust me) or to stay in an unhealthy marriage “for the kids.” If you want kids, don’t make that a factor in deciding to get married. There is no law that says you can’t have kids out of wedlock, or even adopt.
You are dead wrong when you say that “the last thing that anyone wants to do is get married just to get married and not because of love and devotion.” Everyday people get married for the wrong reasons, one of those being that they were in love with love. They have built marriage up to be a fairytale only to have the honeymoon end all too soon. Marriage takes responsibility and effort.
Marriage is for some and isn’t for others. For some it is about religion, for others it is about tax breaks. Some feel they can have a fully fuctional relationship without the exchanging I dos. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have been dating since 1983. They have a wonderful, committed realtionship but never tied the knot. Goldie was once quoted as saying, “there is something very sexy about being able to still call him my boyfriend.” Kudos to them and kudos to those who do decide to get married and make it work.
Lisaq says:
Yeah, I’m not sure why there’s even a question. People get married every day due to pressures from families, from society, from all kinds of sources, and they shouldn’t. They get married because of pregnancy, out of fear of being alone, or because they’ve dreamed of a big fabulous wedding all of their lives. Some think marriage is the ultimate end to a relationship. Again, wrong.
Maturity and how well you truly know someone are the barometers more than age. And it isn’t about how much you love someone. It’s about loving someone and being compatible enough to live together the rest of your lives.
Kira is right when she says that marriage isn’t for some people. Yet, people jump into marriage every day…often for the wrong reasons. The most important thing in a relationship is the relationship not a piece of paper making it legal.
The only thing I will say is that I don’t think you should marry anyone until you’ve grown, matured, and experienced life. Too many people get married without doing that and then grow restless or find themselves alone due to death or divorce and have no idea how to live, hell even survive, alone.
It all comes down to you and and your partner. What both of you want, when both of you want it. Getting married because you’re a certain age or because you feel society, or family, expects will only end up in divorce.
Thoughts readers? Do you think there’s a right age to get married? Or is it more about being sure and finding the right person? Or maybe never marrying at all?
Lance October 14th, 2008, 8:49 am
Agree with both of your perspectives. When I was 21 I thought marriage was it. Now, at 28, I can’t even envision myself getting married within the next 5 years, if at all. Marriage just doesn’t seem that great. You’re telling me I can only have sex with ONE person for the next 40-50 years? No thanks. Anyway, to each their own, but I do say experience life and date A LOT to get perspective.
Lance´s last blog post..Lance De-Virginizing Service
Honey October 14th, 2008, 12:13 pm
I agree with you all about there not being a “right” age or time but that people have to treat their relationship as a unique thing, for which marriage may or may not even be appropriate. And certainly if marriage is appropriate, then it should happen when both people are ready for it. I saw an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress” where the couple had been together 32 years but never both felt they were ready for marriage at the same time until they were in their fifties!
I disagree completely with Lance that the idea of having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is boring. Who wants to worry about constantly adapting your style, having mediocre experiences, or being exposed to STDs? My view is…I already found the BF. Why on EARTH would I ever want to have sex with anyone else?
Honey´s last blog post..Lance De-Virginizing Service
kira October 14th, 2008, 2:23 pm
Lance- You are exactly right, to each their own. I think I could be ok with sex with the same person forever though…assuming it is really good sex of course
Honey- I watched that episode too! It just goes to prove that you don’t have to be married to be in a long term, committed relationship.
craze October 14th, 2008, 3:58 pm
No, there is no “right” time to get married. It depends on the couple and when they feel they are ready. However, I see nothing wrong with waiting!
craze´s last blog post..Take time to stop and smell the flowers
Cathouse Teri October 16th, 2008, 10:47 am
I would say that the right time to get married is when you want the law involved in your relationship.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Brad K. October 20th, 2008, 9:05 pm
How about - if you have been dating for more than a year, you shouldn’t marry until you get tired of dating, and then find someone that is also tired of dating.
Many failed marriages are really endless dates - one or both parties failed to take on the responsibilities and commitments of a family. They act like the dates just got weird.
I think having a kid to have a kid, without marriage is wrong. But there are reasons to have kids. Many faiths still adhere to the Biblical dictum to be fruitful and multiply. Historically there has always been a need to raise sons for the military - a matter of national defense. Continuity of the family name is trite, but families do have crafts, and stories, and traditions, and the only real way to pass them on to future generations, is to pass them on to your own children - or put yourself in the way to pass them on to other children (foster or adopted children).
If you value your nation, your church, your community, or your family, then producing a child is one way to preserve those values against the peoples that are being very prolific - that oppose you and your lifestyle. Patriotism, self defense, but refusing to have kids is effectively throwing in the towel, genetically.
If you are thinking of marriage, pay close attention to character, to life skills, to reputation and emotional bonds. And avoid anyone adept at winning bed partners.
Jill Summit December 2nd, 2008, 5:02 pm
I used to think I would get married to my long-time boyfriend by the time I was 22. Now, I am in my mid-thirties and single and have a completely different mindset.
I don’t think anyone should ever marry because they are at a certain age. Settling down and settling are not the same…