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Reader Question-Figure This Out…
A reader asks:
So here is something for you 2 to think about. Why is that all of nice girls always go for the assholes? They seem to go for the guys that drink all the time and hang out with their “buds” and hold minimum wage jobs and never for those of us that out grew the party lifestyle and graduated from college with BS degrees. I know that there are lots of examples where that is not the case, however, it seems that everytime I try to be nice to a girl, for example ask them how they are doing, the girl takes it as though I am hitting on her. Why do women not understand that there are nice guys out there that are willing to talk to them and see if they are doing okay, and if not, talk to them? I have numerous moms tell me that I am a “nice guy” and will be a “great catch”. That seems to not be holding true, because no 20-25 year old girls seem interested in me. Without trying to be arrogant, some my credentials are the following: a BS degree in Mechanical Engineering Technology all paid by me and Sallie Mae, not mommy and daddy, have a 40 hour a week job, own my own home, and have a clean criminal record. Yeah, I like hunting and fishing and being outdoors too. What is it that I am missing? If you 2 can figure it out, let me know.
kira says:
Let’s start with the type of guys girls go for. Generally, this depends on what point a girl is at in her life. If she is still in college or still into going out and partying, chances are she is going to choose a partner who is at a similar spot in life. This doesn’t mean she is always going to want someone who is into partying or drinking and it also doesn’t mean that the guy she is with won’t grow out of that stage in his life as well. Personally, I drink rather infrequently and would choose to stay home with my cat and a movie rather than going out. I am going to seek a partner who has similar desires.
Moving on to “credentials.” As the old saying goes, the suit doesn’t make the man. As long as I am with a hardworking, determined man who has respectable goals for his life, I could care less whether or not he has a degree. The last guy I dated never went to college, yet owns a very successful business and is one of the smartest men I know. Furthermore, just because someone works a minimum wage job does not mean they are any less hardworking than those with a 40hr work week. As an added note, starting a sentence off by saying, “without trying to be arrogant,” and then listing your “credentials” screams arrogance, no matter how you intend it to come off.
You may want to examine how you approach girls. If your intentions are solely to see how they are doing yet they misconstrue it as you hitting on them, there must be something in your approach that is giving them a false impression. You need to learn to determine whether someone reciprocates communication out of politeness or genuine interest. Also know that incessantly asking how someone is doing or checking in on them can get annoying really fast.
As far as moms liking you, this really has little to do with whether or not her daughter will. Moms seem to have an idealistic view of who they would like their daughter to partner with. If my mom approached me with “you should go out with so-and-so, he’s a nice guy,” I would most likely not be interested. In mom jargon, “nice guy” is comparable to guy code for “she has a nice personality.” No thanks.
You need to consider compatibility with someone rather than relying on what their mom thinks. You may be the nicest guy on the whole planet but that doesn’t account for much if the girl you are attracted to isn’t necessarily attracted to you. And when I say “attracted” I don’t mean in solely in terms of physical attractiveness.
One last point. The frustration that comes through in your question is cause for concern. If you are exhibiting this sort of frustration when pursing a girl, no wonder she becomes uninterested. Girls want someone who is confident not someone who is constantly wondering what he is doing wrong and double checking that things are ok.
Lisaq says:
Ugh. I hate to be the one to tell you dude, but if I got an email like that from a guy, I’d head straight for the delete button. It comes off arrogant (as Kira said) and narcissistic. I mean so you have a BS. Big damn deal. So do a lot of other people. The rarity these days is someone who isn’t college educated. If you had a PhD, then maybe some of your arrogance would be merited. As for the other of your credentials, as Shania Twain once said, that don’t impress me much.
You are a regular, every day, ordinary guy. You haven’t found a cure for cancer or established world peace. You went to college, got a job, bought a house and you pay your bills. Again I have to ask, so what? That’s what people are supposed to do. Why you think it makes you a rock star, is beyond me.
Secondly, that girls always go for assholes line is not only BS, it’s a myth. Any man out there who is a self proclaimed nice guy, whines that women only want bad boys. Wrong! Sure, there are women out there with low self esteem who manage to pick men who treat them shit, but overall we all want a nice guy who treats us well. Nice guys who have to reiterate that they’re nice guys and never get the girl usually, well, aren’t. Sounds to me like you have a chip the size of Texas on your shoulder.
Next, back to the narcissism. You seem to want to go on and on and on about you. Do you ever ask about the girl beyond how are you? Checking in and how are you really aren’t conversation makers. You need to go beyond and pay attention to them. What’s going on in their lives, what are their interests, and so on. Make conversation rather than being so intent on selling yourself.
Finally, as Kira said, moms and daughters rarely have the same taste in men. Kira herself is a perfect example. Did you know I picked out her husband when she was in the 4th grade? Uh huh. He married someone else last year. ‘Nuff said.
Honestly, I really think you need to get over yourself. Take a good hard look in the mirror. What do you really have to offer a girl besides your credentials? What kind of man are you really? That’s where you need to begin. What do you have to offer besides a house and job? The work begins inside you because, at least it seems to me, that’s where the issue is. Not with the girls you are approaching.
Your thoughts readers?
Cathouse Teri October 9th, 2008, 10:21 am
Good advice, gals. I also think the whiny boys who are complaining that girls only like assholes are just riding around on their pity horses so that they don’t have to get down off of them and do some real work in learning socialization. Also, 9 out of 10 people you meet or date are not at all suitable as mates. (And I’m being generous with that ratio.)
The fact is, it’s HARD to find someone sensational. This guy seems to think he could go to college, get a job, buy a house and the perfect woman would just fall into his lap because he followed all the rules.
As for me, I am with a man who has a crappy job, never went to college and is a most excellent partner. And it only took me forty-five years to find him!
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Beggars Would Ride
Honey October 9th, 2008, 10:41 am
I had a teacher once who said, “if you come to class every day, do each assignment on time and with thought, and participate in class discussion regularly and well, you get a C.” An “A” in that class was reserved for someone who took risks, made the teacher think, and went above and beyond in every way.
Then when I started teaching college kids, I’d get all these students who, upon receiving a “C,” would say, “But I got all A’s in high school!” We’re adults now, this is college, there is a different standard. Also, acting entitled is perhaps the least attractive personality trait I can think of.
So you went to college, got a good job, and own your own home. That, my friend, is a grade of “C” in the life category. If you want a woman to be excited enough by your presence to fall in love with you (or even be your friend), you have to take those risks, make them think, go above and beyond. Get another degree, learn a new hobby, or get more involved with the hobbies you have. Volunteer with a cause you believe in to develop your empathy. Sounds like you need it.
Honey´s last blog post..I PWNed this Blog, Bitchez!!
auntiegwen October 9th, 2008, 11:13 am
I want to know who Sallie Mae is, that was kind of her to help pay for his degree !
Would she like to help me put Eldest beautiful Daughter through university too ?
auntiegwen´s last blog post..10 Things I really, really want
Honey October 9th, 2008, 11:18 am
Sallie Mae will send someone to his house to break his legs if he doesn’t pay her back, auntiegwen
Honey´s last blog post..I PWNed this Blog, Bitchez!!
SINgleGIRL October 9th, 2008, 8:57 pm
Lisaq - I agree with you completely. One thing I would suggest. It sounds like what he needs are some female friends. I’m guessing he doesn’t have any. It also sounds like his social skills could be so sorely lacking that he might not know how to build a new friendship. Maybe if he learned to talk with women and treat them like real people he could develop into a decent human being.
SINgleGIRL´s last blog post..Off Topic
lisaq October 10th, 2008, 5:12 am
You got it Cathouse Teri! I think socialization skills are defintiely lacking here.
Nail on the head Honey. Nail on the head.
Haha Gwen. Honey’s right. Sallie Mae pretends to be nice but she’s kinda like the mob!
Good suggestion SINgleGIRL. I think he needs to work on relating to women first.
auntiegwen October 11th, 2008, 11:40 am
Forgive my Scottish ignorance but who/what is Sallie Mae ?
I genuinely have no clue
auntiegwen´s last blog post..10 Things I really, really have to do in the next week
lisaq October 12th, 2008, 7:43 am
Sallie Mae is a student loan company Gwen.
Will October 15th, 2008, 1:00 am
You’re both right-on!
You have to be yourself,
and not be too-much of yourSELF!
Communication & collaboration,
they say, is the future.
This goes, I’d say, for Computer Geeks as well as
chit-chat in the Produce Section ~~(You know how much I
adore the Produce Section, right?:)
Being funny [raising a smile], and and a healthy balance of the serious will win more honey than vinegar..(darn! I sound just like my Mother, rest her soul!)
~x~Will
John Galt October 15th, 2008, 11:33 pm
The ladies are right. What do you have to offer that a ton of other guys don’t have? You sound just like my friend’s roommate. “Why can’t I find a decent girl? I’m successful and good looking. Shouldn’t girls be swarming around me?” It might be because despite the fact that you think “all the guys out there” are assholes and douchebags that YOU, my friend, are the true douchebag. Sitting around whining about how women don’t flock to you like the Salmon of Capistrano* is no way to attract them.
Do you really think a woman wants some guy that pouts in the corner when things don’t go his way? Hell no. They want men that can make them laugh, take care of them (and trust me, there are plenty of guys without mechanical engineering degrees that can do this), and at the end of the day, fuck them like a champ. Think about this, does a woman want to go to bed with a guy that cries when things don’t work out? How’s he going to be in bed? Probably a limp dick. How’s he going to be when he goes down on her? Probably forced and mechanical, licking the labia majora in a circle and putting too much pressure on the clit - if he has the balls to go down in the first place.
So I suggest an attitude adjustment for you. Take it from a guy that, since you brought credentials into the picture, is way more qualified than you are. Stop whining and start acting like a man. Women will begin to respect you. I’m sure at this point the question of “How are his credentials better than mine?” is racing through that little mechanical engineering brain of yours. It’s simple: both of my balls have dropped down. There are others, but that’s all I feel like typing. Perhaps the fact that I’m drunk on single malt scotch helps explain that.
By the way d-bag, in proper English any single digit number, such as “two”, is spelled out.
*Props to anyone that caught the Dumb & Dumber reference
lisaq October 16th, 2008, 5:50 am
Amen John! Thanks for chiming in!
Honey October 16th, 2008, 3:41 pm
A fan of Ayn Rand *and* 20-forty, eh, John? My kinda guy!
Honey´s last blog post..Lance De-Virginizing Service
kira October 16th, 2008, 5:45 pm
You nailed it John, and with an amazing amount of wit I might add!
Brad K. October 20th, 2008, 9:17 pm
OK, I have to ask. What is a “nice girl”? A woman that consistently picks losers and jerks has issues. You would have to match up with those unhealthy issues to be considered, and then you would have trouble maintaining an unhealthy relationship.
He rattles off his economic status like that is all he has to do. He doesn’t list his bonding strengths - like good relationship with parents and siblings, number of close friends (especially male), pets and experience with nurturing children. He doesn’t list his character strengths like emotional and organizational discipline, honesty, respect, honor, and loyalty. He doesn’t relate the respect people that work with him feel toward him.
He didn’t state that he wants a family or long term relationship. He certainly doesn’t clarify he just wants more success hooking up for one night stands.
He sounds pretty unqualified to me.
Brad K.´s last blog post..DB: Why the US sucks at math ed.