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Reader Question-Why Doesn’t She Just Tell Me She Wants Me?
A reader asks:Why is it when a women wants have sex she won’t communicate about the subject. Personally, I am not good at non-verbal hints. Of course not all women I am sure, but from my experience this is the case.
When I was house-sitting in Beirut, I decided to stay for an extra ten days after the lady of the house got back. She did want to have sex, although there was no communication whatsoever, and her little hints took me a week just to figure out. I really was not interested because going without sex is easier in the long run than becoming sexually active then going without. I am not the type to have sex with just anyone, never know where a person has been nowadays.
S
kira says:
Unfortunately for men, women are experts at nonverbal hints (that is not to say that all women practice nonverbal hints or that men never practice them). But why? Why is it that we can’t just say what we want instead of dropping hints that generally don’t work and inevitably lead to more frustration? Probably the most simple answer is fear of rejection.
Fear of being labeled needy, bitchy, naggy, or whiny prompt nonverbal hints. If she doesn’t ask for what she wants then she doesn’t risk having to be told no. She has been conditioned to think of wanting as a bad thing rather than a way of moving forward.
I must admit, though, your concern for this woman’s nonverbal hints confuse me. She was obviously afraid of rejection (and rightfully so) and resorted to nonverbal hints. If you did not want to have sex with this women, then it is a possibility that she picked up on that which is why she never outright talked to you about it. By dropping hints, she left the door open without having to be blatantly rejected.
Lisaq says:
I completely agree with Kira that fear of rejection is a huge reason why many women don’t come right out and tell a man they are interested in having sex with them. We tend to think that if they want us, they will pick up on our signals. If not then, we think, they are not interested. Chalk it up to the whole Mars vs. Venus thing.
I also think though that there may be some else at play here. I think that many times women are conditioned not to take the lead. We’re raised being told that it is the man’s job to do so…if not outright, then subtly such as by example.
Imagine your father was the aggressive one in the household. A girl growing up believes that is how it’s supposed to be. If you are a little older, as I am, or have grown up in a different culture, such as your girl in Beirut, then you may have been conditioned in this way.
Thus, even when we grow up and want to be more sexually aggressive, we simply don’t know how. We never learned to communicate those desires except through the use of nonverbal hints. Some women may not even really be aware that men want them to verbalize that they are interested sexually.
Readers? Thoughts for S?
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Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts October 8th, 2008, 8:33 am
I completely agree with you both. We women are taught to be lady like and coy so we throw hints in order to not appear too aggressive or forward as well as fear of rejection.
Tee aka The Diva’s Thoughts´s last blog post..Does Anyone Have A Can Of Oust?
Honey October 8th, 2008, 1:05 pm
I have a couple thoughts:
(1) For someone who is complaining about non-verbal hints, there is no evidence in this story that once he realized what she was about that he sat down and said, “sorry, I’d really rather not have sex with you.” Practice what you preach!
(2) If in your experience the majority of women use non-verbal hints, and you want to be successful with women, you should focus your energies on recognizing and responding to those hints rather than bitching about women or expecting them to change.
(3) As a supplement to #2, learn to recognize your own behavior, as women (who may use non-verbal hints more often then men) will often interpret what men do as a non-verbal hint even if the man doesn’t intend it that way. She probably felt like staying an extra 10 days after you got back was YOUR non-verbal hint that you’d like to have sex, and what you’re interpreting as signals originating from her were actually her non-verbal RESPONSE to the signals she thought she was getting from you.
Honey´s last blog post..Morning Sex (And Other Sex)
kira October 8th, 2008, 1:14 pm
Tee- You’re right but it is sad that there are some of us that are conditioned to be passive and not ask for what we want. The deal is, if we use this conditioning as a crutch or an excuse, then we have no right to bitch when the outcome isn’t to our favor.
Honey- I don’t even know what to say except, YOU ARE A GENIUS!
dadshouse October 8th, 2008, 1:23 pm
Lisaq – great insights. We’re all raised in different homes and cultures. We all have different expectations and ways of communicating. The dance of intimacy, especially when it’s non-verbal, can be hard to figure out!
I think anyone who truly wants to get laid will have their radar up, and put the right feelers out. But you have to be in tune with what you really want, and be willing to adapt to other’s expectations.
dadshouse´s last blog post..Myers-Briggs Love Sexy Personality Type
lisaq October 9th, 2008, 5:44 am
Thanks Dad’s House. I think you’re dead on. It definitely is a dance. One we have to be sensitive to if we are going to get our needs met.
Honey October 9th, 2008, 11:17 am
Thanks, Kira!
Honey´s last blog post..I PWNed this Blog, Bitchez!!
Cathouse Teri October 10th, 2008, 11:34 am
Good points made by everyone. I especially liked Honey’s “you should focus your energies on recognizing and responding to those hints rather than bitching about women or expecting them to change.”
To me, non-verbal hints are called flirting. You flirt a little, he flirts back. And so it goes. I doubt that she was thinking, “Oh man! I so wanna have sex with him! I’m going to send him some non-verbal hints and see if he takes the bait!” She was just sending out signals of interest. He didn’t respond, so it ended there. I hardly think it’s reasonable to expect a woman to walk up and say, “Hi… my name’s Teri. I want to have sex with you!”
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..It’s a Funny Girl Kind of Day