The Value Of Virginity

Virginity is one of those rare things that, once lost, can never be recovered. There are many things in life that if lost can be recovered or, at the least, replaced. Virginity is not one of them. In fact, the loss of it can change everything and can, literally, completely changed your future.

And yet, in today’s world, we have girls selling their virginity to the highest bidder and the very public losing of The Virgin’s vcard. It’s as if virginity has lost its value and people no longer realize what the impact could be. Perhaps it’s different for men than for women, but that’s a whole other post.

The losing of my virginity changed my world, and my relationships, forever. It opened up a whole series of events that I have wished ever since had been different.

I was 15. Yep, 15 and a sophomore in high school and I did not lose my virginity by choice. I very simply put myself in a situation that was bound to end badly. And badly, my friends, is an understatement.

My parents had gone out of town for the weekend and left me with my elderly grandmother. Now, grandma was sweet but she really had no idea what to do with a teenager in 1977. When I made up some excuse to go out with some friends, she really had no idea what I was up to.

Perhaps a little background is necessary. I grew up in a very small town in Central Kansas; population 5,000. It was the 70’s and the tail end of the make love, not war era. We were still learning, still experimenting. Drug and alcohol use was rampant in my high school. Though never one to use drugs, I was all about driving the 15 miles to an even smaller town where the local liquor store owner would sell to anyone who could see over the counter.

On that night, that’s just what we had done. The alcohol was flowing freely. Everyone but yours truly was smoking pot. We were partying with three guys we had known all of our lives. We had gone to school and church with them literally forever.

Somehow, at some point, I ended up alone in the country with the three boys. I’ve no memory of how that happened or where my friends were. And there, in the middle of nowhere, my virginity was taken. Yes, taken. Not given. At the tender age of 15, in 1977, I was the victim of date rape before anyone ever coined the term.

Life as I knew it had changed forever. In Central Kansas in 1977 there were rules and class divisions that everyone knew and accepted. The boy and his family had money. My family had none. His were leaders in the community. Mine very simply was not. In a high school of 400 and an even smaller church community, I knew reporting it and accusing him really was not an option.

Add to that a mother whose main concern was what people thought and I knew I could not even tell my parents. It would have become my fault. There was no doubt in my mind then and none now. Reporting the rape and telling my parents were simply not an option. It would have simply made the situation worse. Although, worse is something I can’t imagine even now considering how bad it got.

Because you see the very mentality of small towns in Kansas is one of knowing what, and who, your neighbors are doing. Everyone very simply knows everyone’s business. By the time I got to my job at the Dairy Queen the next morning, word was already out. When I arrived at school on Monday morning, it was to cat calls and shouts of “Whore! Slut!” as I walked down the main hall where the boy had already told all of his buddies of his conquest.

Of course, in his version, the sex was consensual making me, at 15, the girl who would give it up to anyone. And, being the girl who already felt unimportant and not good enough, it was so much more than I knew how to deal with. It simply confirmed all of the negative beliefs I already had about myself, and I began a sliding down a very slippery slope.

I’ve mentioned before that I became sexually promiscuous in high school. This was how it began. It was a vicious cycle which took almost 30 years to break and one that I’ve wished I could change almost since it began. And yet, that night in the country when my virginity was taken, wasn’t something I wanted or asked for.

I think we, as a society, have forgotten the value of virginity and the long term effects, both positive and negative, losing it can have. It is truly something to be held onto, something to guard and give away only in the right circumstances. Very important considering that how it’s lost could potentially change relationships forever.

This post is part of a roundtable series on virginity with a group of fellow bloggers. The blogs range from career development to dating advice to pickup. The original subject was, “With Natalie Dylan auctioning off her v-card and The Virgin opting to lose it to a professional sex blogger, what kind of value does virginity have in our society, anyway?
” See the other great posts below, and watch this space as more get published in the next few days.

20-forty.com The Value of Virginity
Honey & Lance Natalie Dylan: Brilliant Capitalist or Expensive Skank Ho?
Honey & Lance Raffaella Fico: Yay! More Absurdly Expensive Virgins!
Honey & Lance Was Losing My Virginity Worth it?
Honey & Lance I’ve Had Sex With Three Virgins And I’m Gonna Tell You About It
The Virgin All good things…
Beauty of the Year Virgin Vendetta
Hot Alpha Female Lets Talk About Sex … Baby
Effy’s ‘lil Place on the Web Why wait? An argument against saving yourself.
Quest for T blog Virginity: A Girl and Moms Perspective
PUA Blogger Virgins For Sale
Dad’s House Virginity? It’s So Overrated
Evil Woobie Why is Virginity a Big Deal Among Filipinos?
Project Infinity The More “Touchy” Part of Dating: Sex & Virgins
The Modern Savage: Pick Up Artist The Dilemmas of Male Virgins
Single Mom Seeking Why I’m aspiring to be a virgin again
I Date White The Brotha Virgin
My Secret Hobby Virginity, what’s the deal?
The American Virgin Calling All Bloggers: Lets Talk Virgins
The Virgin Roundtable: Virginity
Yankee In a New World You Dragged a Rampaging Virgin Out of Me!

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Posted by lisaq on Monday, September 29th, 2008 and is filed under Featured. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

23 Responses to “The Value Of Virginity”

auntiegwen September 29th, 2008, 10:35 am

Just think how different your attitudes are to your mom’s ? can you imagine how differently you would react if that happened to one of your daughters ????

auntiegwens last blog post..I’ve been a good girl, I have
craze September 29th, 2008, 11:25 am

Wow, I’m so sorry you had to have such an awful experience. In essence, you didn’t lose your virginity, it was taken from you – just like you said. What’s important to take from this story is that even though it took you 30 years of promiscuity to make some healthy changes, YOU DID IT. You are no longer a vicitim of your past, of your childhood. You own your life. I think you’ve turned out pretty damn smart. I know I am a better person because of your story, your advice, your wisdom.

crazes last blog post..Think Green
Tee aka Diva's thoughts September 30th, 2008, 8:10 pm

I am so very sorry.

Tee aka Diva’s thoughtss last blog post..10 Traits Of Successful Women
lisaq September 30th, 2008, 8:57 pm

Very true Gwen. I’d kill the SOB never mind press charges.

Awww thanks Craze. That is so damn sweet of you to say! You’re right. I did overcome. I’m not a victim of my past only the guardian of my future.

Thanks Tee. I appreciate that.

lisaqs last blog post..Losing Your V-Card: Big Deal or Big Whoop?
Bill September 30th, 2008, 10:37 pm

It takes a strong & courageous woman,
to experience what have, and not fall
into fear & mistrust.

You certainly know the value
of love…so hard, that lesson learned.

It’s a shame young boys/guys, don’t
consider or truly understand, the very
real consequences of their behavior.
What happened to you was a crime.

I admire you now, all the more, friend.

~x~Bill
lisaq October 1st, 2008, 5:15 am

Awww Bill, thank you. That means so much to me!

lisaqs last blog post..Huh? A Cuckold Relationship?
dadshouse October 1st, 2008, 1:19 pm

Wow, that’s a horrible experience. Life changing, scarring. I’m sorry that happened to you.

I agree that virginity should be given, not taken, when you are emotionally ready, and in a relationship that matters to both of you. I don’t think that has to be marriage, in fact, I think it’s best to have sex before marriage. Sex keeps getting better with age.

dadshouses last blog post..Rotten Eggs
Honey October 1st, 2008, 2:37 pm

I’m so sorry your first time was so awful! Mine was pretty bad too, as you’ll see. I don’t think there’s ever a great first time, but it’s unfortunate when it veers you off course so badly.

Honeys last blog post..Say Yes! To Friends With Benefits
lisaq October 2nd, 2008, 6:39 am

Thanks Dad’s House. It definitely does get better with age.

Thanks Honey. I just read yours. Sounds like we both drew the short straw huh?

lisaqs last blog post..Addicted to Love
Shawn October 5th, 2008, 4:38 pm

I have traveled the Arab world for the last year, and being around 23 year old virgins has changed my perception.

I personally would not have sex with a virgin unless I marry her, I do value and honor a women’s virginity.

I do have to admit, those 23 year old virgin’s can put a spell on a guy, Wow.
lisaq October 6th, 2008, 6:08 am

Haha Shawn. I’ll bet they can. I imagine it’s very different there though I hadn’t thought about it before.
AlwaysHigh November 10th, 2009, 7:05 am

I should imagine part of their charisma comes from the fact that they are completely comfortable with their virginity and aren’t brought up to view it as a defect of character.