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Is a Failed Relationship Really a Failure?
Recently someone asked me how I could give relationship advice when I had failed at so many relationships. It made me stop and think. The truth of the matter is I don’t look at my past relationships as failures. Yes, I know. I’ve been divorced 4 times. That’s 4 failed marriages. But I still don’t see them as failures.
See, I really believe that “failed” relationships are really just opportunities for growth. I’ve learned so much about myself and about relationships and I have grown. I have taken those opportunities to figure out so many things.
I know where I went wrong. I know what it was in me that caused me to attract men that weren’t good for me. I know why I allowed myself to be treated like crap. Failures? I hardly think so. I’ve learned what I need to be a part of a successful relationship. That’s not failure.
I think that we, as a society, tend to view relationships as black and white. You meet someone, fall in love, and spend your life together. Success! Or you meet someone, fall in love, and it doesn’t work out. Failure. But the truth is, just like anything else, you’ve learned a thing or two that will make your next relationship better. Out of the failure some good has come.
It’s like a child who puts his hand on a hot stove. He burns his hand and learns not to touch the stove. He’s learned a valuable lesson. The same is true when a relationship ends. Maybe you’ve been burned, but you’ve learned something.
Or consider the entrepreneur with a couple of failed buisnesses under his belt. Sure, he hasn’t always been successful but you can bet he’s learning what it takes to make a business work. He knows some things about what to do and what not to do. Again, the same is true of relationships.
Bottom line is that life is a learning process. You learn as you go. There’s no rule book, no definite set of instructions. What works for one person may not work for the next. Every person, every relationship, every couple is different. So you learn and you grow and find who and what works for you.
So what have I learned that will help make my next relationship successful? I’ve learned me. You see the one thing that all of my past relationships had in common was me. I may have chosen and attracted one type of man or another, but I’m the only element that is completely the same.
And I know me. I know now why I went down the road I did. In fact, I’m grateful for that road. I’m grateful for the opportunity to grow. I’m grateful for the lessons, for the journey. Without them, I’d be the same person I was 20 years ago and I’m much happier being the person I am today. Failure? I think not.
Thoughts?
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Honey September 16th, 2008, 1:24 pm
I agree, LisaQ! Whatever other choices we may make–to get married or not, to have kids or not, to have this career or that one–the thing we are all responsible for is our own self-growth. And anything that helps you achieve that is success!
Honeys last blog post..Is this picture smut or sexy art?
auntiegwen September 16th, 2008, 2:13 pm
I’ve only really had 1 long term relationship and we were together for 21 years and had the most amazing 3 children together. We’re still friends, I don’t call that a failure
auntiegwens last blog post..Glasvegas at The Plug
craze September 16th, 2008, 4:52 pm
You said it sistah! When we truly appreciated the relationships that didn’t work out we learn and grow.
crazes last blog post..New life
Lance September 16th, 2008, 7:35 pm
Totally agreed, relationships are experience for me, not baggage and not failures. I’ve had several LTR’s that “failed” in the traditional sense, ie we didn’t get married and live happily ever after, but I’m very good friends with the women and that’s provided a ton of value to my life. Honey is a good example. I blogged about this very topic here:
http://honeyandlance.com/lances-take-successful-relationships
Lances last blog post..Natalie Dylan: Brilliant Capitalist or Expensive Skank Ho?
SINgleGIRL September 16th, 2008, 10:13 pm
I completely agree. Just recently I was giving advice to a friend who is having MAJOR relationship trouble and she asked me how I knew so much about that stuff. My reply, “I’ve fucked up a lot.” I was trying to lighten the mood, but really, it’s about trial and error and being smart enough to learn from your mistakes. I HAVE fucked up a lot: fallen for a lot of the wrong guys, stayed in some relationships longer than I should have, bailed on some relationships without giving them my all, and now I’m stronger and wiser for the experiences. I wouldn’t trust a relationship expert who’d only ever had successful relationships (meaning-I guess- just one ever, that never broke up).
SINgleGIRLs last blog post..Disappointed
lisaq September 17th, 2008, 5:48 am
You got it Honey. It’s all about the growing.
Definitely not Gwen!
Absolutely Craze. I wouldn’t trade my learning experiences for anything!
Me either SINgleGIRL. I’d put my trust in someone who’d fucked up a lot over someone like that.
lisaqs last blog post..Reheating Old Soup