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How Soon Is Too Soon To Start a New Relationship?
I swear that somewhere I read that the ‘rule’ for dating after a break up was that you should wait at least half the time that you were dating before starting to date again. For example, if you were together a year, you should wait at least six months before dating.
What People Are Saying
However, when I did a little research for this article I couldn’t find that anywhere. Not that I think rules apply necessarily, I was just curious about the context and the reasons. What I did find shocked me. All over the internet people are telling other people that they needn’t wait at all. That it’s okay to move right on to the next one. Really?
As a former relationship hopper, I can give you so many reasons why that’s a very bad idea.
Ouch! Break Ups Hurt!
To begin with, break ups by their very nature are not pleasant. They’re not supposed to be. It’s not a party. Someone got hurt; maybe even got their heart broken. But if not, even if you were the one who did the dumping and you feel good about it, there’s still bound to be a lot of residual crap lurking around in your head…not to mention your heart.
See, a break up implies that there were problems. That, for whatever reason, you and your significant other had problems in your relationship. Whether they were your problems or your ex’s problems, they affected you in some way.
What if, for example, he cheated on you? Obviously you weren’t the one out cheating, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that you didn’t feel good about it. So why did he cheat? Do you think it was your fault? Was it because you weren’t pretty enough, or there enough, or horny enough? Think that doesn’t affect you? Don’t you feel angry? Betrayed? Sad?
Pain Takes Time to Heal
Those are real hurts kids, and it takes awhile to heal from a hurt. I mean even a minor cut takes a little while to heal. So if you hadn’t been dating long and your personalities didn’t quiet mesh, then you’ll probably bounce back a little more quickly than say something more serious like being emotionally abused by your partner. I mean it takes longer to heal from a more serious injury like a broken bone than just a little laceration.
Next Please!
There also may be other things to consider such as why you chose your last partner and if you have a partner of choosing the same kind of partner over and over; a recycled boyfriend. He acted the same and treated you the same as all the others. He just looked different and had a different name. Well, maybe. I did marry two men named Darin. 
There may be reasons that you keep picking losers over and over. You’re not going to figure that out and fix it without time and work. If you don’t take that time, you’ll end up with one more recycled boyfriend and another broken heart.
Listen to Your Heart
So how do you know if you’re ready? NML says if you feel scared or cautious or worried or don’t trust yourself, you shouldn’t be dating. Period. And she’s right kids. Those are big red flags about YOURSELF you should be paying attention to. Ignoring red flags, whether they’re about you or a potential partner, can bring you nothing but heartache.
If you ignore them, you’ll constantly be second guessing yourself. You’ll never know if what you’re feeling is indicitive of you or whether this new guy is a jerk. You have to get to the root of it before you can make good relationship choices.
Ignoring those voices in your and there’s almost no way this new relationship is going to end well. And the truth is, if this new guy, can’t sense your reservations, maybe you should be rethinking him anyway. Even more importantly, what if he knows you’re scared or you’re cautious or you’re not trusting yourself and he continues seeing you? That in itself is a sign to run like hell IMO.
Thoughts?
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cheekie September 15th, 2008, 8:39 am
I personally think that you have to be pretty self aware, it isn’t just a matter of time.
For instance, are you cautious because that’s the way you are? Part of your personality? If so, recognize that. If it’s because you are terrified of getting hurt, take a good look at why.
It’s hard to say ‘you aren’t ready for a relationship if you feel insecure, anxious or cautious’ as there can be many many reasons why someone might feel this way.
I, for one, have always been anxious about everything. Not just a new relationship. And there is a certain amount of insecurity within us all, especially at the beginning.
Ultimately, it is up to you and no one else to decide when you are ready.
We don’t want to see our friends hurt, but immediately assuming that they will can sometimes cause just as much harm. It validates their insecurities.
Can you imagine how much better you would feel when you are stepping back into the dating world if your friends said ‘you can do it, you are worth it, have fun!’ instead of ‘watch yourself, you aren’t ready, you sound too insecure, he’s using you’ etc etc.
Positive reinforcement to someone a little gun shy can be twice as helpful as negatively assuming it will end badly because they aren’t ready.
Time is no indicator, nor is another person’s impression.
I was ready right out of the gate with my ex husband, but not so with my ex bf. Even though I tried to convince myself otherwise.
Now, I am approaching things differently, listening to my own voice, and trying not to let nay-sayers make me feel even more insecure. It really hurts when people, who do care-even misguidedly, tell you that you are being screwed over or you aren’t ready and are going to mess it up.
Things have just as much of a chance of ending up good as they do bad.
Not saying you should be a dumbass about things, but I honestly believe that very few people intentionally enter relationships to mess them/the other person, up. Negativity will certainly destroy it.
You are ready when you are ready, but you have to know yourself first, not others versions of you.
cheekies last blog post..damn you kryptonite…
Hot Alpha Female September 15th, 2008, 9:30 am
Hey girl,
When is too soon to get back into a relationship?
You know that is a really awesome question because i think there are so many different ways in which it can be answered.
Like you said, i think that it can be really good just to listen to your heart.
Don’t go by any rules of what books tell you or what your friends tell you.
Sometimes you can meet the person of your dreams just after you breakup.
Are you really going to miss out on an opp to be with the person that was meant for you … because ur heartbroken.
He would probably be able to heal your heart.
The only thing i would caution is not to dive into relationships one after the other … because then you are really avoiding something that you probably need to deal with.
HAF
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Hot Alpha Females last blog post..You Can’t Buy Love – Or Can You?
Honey September 15th, 2008, 11:19 am
LisaQ, the half as long as you dated is a reference from episode 1, season 2 of Sex and the City. Charlotte says it to Carrie while consoling her about Big…
craze September 15th, 2008, 11:49 am
I think if you’ve been with someone longer than 3-4 months then you definately need a healing period. Depending on how close the two people were in the relationship, how long it lasted, and how the break up occured should definately be factors to consider as well.
crazes last blog post..From the land of craze
SINgleGIRL September 15th, 2008, 7:26 pm
I’m with NML on this one. I usually start to date again right away (life is short), but sometimes I need more time. The needing more time doesn’t have anything to do with how long I was in the relationship.
SINgleGIRLs last blog post..Needs and Wants
saneandsingle September 15th, 2008, 7:30 pm
I was gonna tell you that getting over someone takes half as long as the relationship itself is one of Charlotte’s (from Sex and the City) rules of dating! I see Honey already did that! LOL
I’m not one to enter into relationships lightly, as it is, so I definitely won’t hop out of one and into another!
saneandsingles last blog post..Must have it….
lisaq September 16th, 2008, 6:25 am
Self awareness is the key Cheekie, but I think that comes with some time and self reflection. If you jump right back into it, I’m not sure you’ve given yourself that opportunity.
I see what you’re saying HAF but I think the only person who can heal your heart is you.
Thanks Honey. Good to know I haven’t completely lost my mind!
I think so too Craze. It’s a hurt and hurts need time to heal.
Me too SINgleGIRL but I’ve learned over time that jumping right back in just doesn’t work for me.
Yep sane and single, relationships hopping is not for me. Not anymore.
auntiegwen September 16th, 2008, 2:10 pm
ok I was with my ex husband for 21 years, that means I’d have to wait for 10 years to date someone ?????
maybe not
auntiegwens last blog post..Glasvegas at The Plug
king1876 September 16th, 2008, 10:21 pm
asap, shees moving on why shouldnt i
http://king1876.wordpress.com/
king1876s last blog post..HOW TO SPOT A BITCH and What does fuck mean?
lisaq September 17th, 2008, 5:45 am
Maybe not Gwen. I think you’ve waited long enough girl.
Hmmm King. I dunno. It’s not about her.
lisaqs last blog post..Reheating Old Soup
king1876 September 23rd, 2008, 7:47 pm
all i know is im not go stand and wait like a dummy move on find a new better GF.
http://king1876.wordpress.com/
king1876s last blog post..Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon Pregnancy News
lisaq September 24th, 2008, 6:04 am
What I mean king is that it’s about YOU…not about her. It’s about how soon you’re ready. What she’s doing is completely irrelevant.
lisaqs last blog post..What I’ve Learned About Online Dating
LALA January 7th, 2009, 2:59 pm
i know soon can sometimes be just the right time or too soon…
but here is the deal, i just broke up with my bf, who almost went out with for a year, right after thanksgiving for the 3rd time, the other 2 we went back because we had gotten used to each other,
but this time is different because there is someone else i used to like even before i went out with my ex bf, and there is a connection between us, but the thing is that they know each other, and i know my bf loved me more than i loved him, they play basketball together, and you could say they are ‘friends’, which is the worst part because i really like this guy
well, this guys says one of us should talk to him and tell him but i’m not sure if it is or if my ex would look at him differently and then things would change between them (i don’t mind my ex bf getting mad at me, but i do mind that he gets mad with this guy)
anyways…
any advice? please
LA
lisaq January 8th, 2009, 7:41 am
I don’t know LALA. It’s a tricky situation. Personally, I’d stay away from the dude. It could stir up all kinds of trouble.