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Long Distance Relationships
Relationships can be complicated as they are, but imagine how complicated they can become when distance enters the equation. It definitely takes a special breed of people to pull off an LDR as well as a tremendous amount of trust. For me, an LDR is way less than ideal. It would take some extraordinary circumstances for me to want to be involved in one again.
I met my ex bf, NB, while home on summer break after my first year of college. When I had to move back to Topeka, we decided to keep dating. I visited him frequently and he came to see me one or two weekends a month. I was ok with the distance at first but after it wore on my quickly and, after the semester was over, I moved home to be close to him.
About five months after I moved home, NB got a job in Wichita and moved. I went to visit every chance I got. I can probably count the times he visited me on one hand. A year after he move, I moved down to be with him. Another year and a half later, we broke up, largely in part to infidelity.
I used to brag that having a long distance relationship actually brought us closer because it meant we had to put extra effort into our relationship. In actuality, it gave him amble opportunity to cheat on me. He slept with my hair stylist right after I first left to go to school.
Now I look back on the relationship and realize how one sided it was after he moved to Wichita. I was working, in school, and involved in cheerleading. I was insanely busy but always found time to go see him. He pretty much worked M-F from 8-5 but was somehow always too busy to make the drive. I should have see that then but you know what they say about hindsight….
I have heard people, including my roommate, say they prefer LDR’s. They like having someone in their lives but they also like having amble time to themselves. But like I said, LDR’s require a special breed of people.
I don’t want to go so far as to say that I will never have an LDR again but I would most definitely be more cautious. I believe that they should require an equal amount of effort from both parties and an overwhelming amount of trust.
Brad K. September 10th, 2008, 9:30 am
Making an LDR work might have something to do with what a ‘relationship’ means to you.
According to Budweiser and Victoria’s Secret, a relationship is sharing beer and sex. According to Vogue a relationship is a ready bank account, buying lavish gifts.
If you think a relationship is based on sex, then an LDR is a problem. If you think the basis for a relationship is an exchange of social and family responsibilities, obligations, and enabling each other, then an LDR might be a strain, but sustainable.
And one way to tell would be to look at how you meet. If the sex is the important thing, the part that draws you together - attractiveness, stimulating appearance or manner - then you don’t know, at first, if your dating partner will ever accept the role of mate. Finding out will take time, and the answer may be a surprise to both of you.
I believe, though, that the cheating - dating another without breaking off entangling commitments - is about the relationship, and not about being long distance. The long distance aspect provides only slightly more opportunity.
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kira September 10th, 2008, 10:25 am
BradK- What you have said about the type of relationship makes sense. I also completely agree that cheating is about the relationship not the distance. I did not mean to come across as saying that I blame the distance for the cheating. I simply mean that because it was part of the relationship in general it puts me on guard for future endeavors.
Thanks for your insights!
Honey September 10th, 2008, 2:53 pm
LDRs are definitely tough. The BF and I slept together on our first date but then he was moving 2.5 hours away less than a week later, so we were exclusive and long distance after the 3 dates we managed to squeeze in before he moved. He was back after 3 months but it was only for a year, and then we were long distance almost the entire second year we dated. It was very tough, especially because he’s not a phone person. But we made it, so it can work, but I don’t think it would work indefinitely. I, at least, really need to feel like I’m moving toward something and that the distance is only temporary.
craze September 10th, 2008, 4:34 pm
I think it would be really tough for me. It
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