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Fallback Girls & Friendship
It’s the same old like attracts like story. Not only do fallback girls attract EUMs, we also have a habit of attracting other fallback girls as friends. I mean it makes sense. We often attract the same kind of men, we have similar relationship histories and, sometimes, even the same childhood histories. We have many things in common and the relationship feels comfortable.
Misery Loves Company
One of the first things we find when we form friendships with other fallback girls is someone to commiserate with. After all, we’ve been involved, or are involved, with Mr. Unavailable. We have the same horror stories and are often fighting the same demons.
We’ve found someone who can not only relate, but who can completely empathize. It makes us feel a little less stupid, a little less alone. Sometimes it can even make us feel a little superior. Maybe we’re further along in our journey to getting healthy or our stories aren’t as bad as that of our friend.
And while it’s comfortable and even advantageous, it may not always be the best thing for us. We all know that relationships with EUMs are not good for us. It’s possible that maintaining a friendship girl may not be good for us either…especially if it becomes a one sided thing.
Give and Take
Healthy relationships of any kind have a healthy give and take to them. We support each other when needed and are there for our loved ones when needed. We celebrate victories and revel in happy times together. There’s a healthy balance.
It’s when that give and take becomes predominitely giving or taking that we have a problem. In relationships where there is emotional unavailability, this is just bound to happen. After all if a fallback girl can’t commit to a man in a relationship or to herself, what are the odds that she can commit to a friendship? Probably not very good.
I’m Not Your Therapist
While we should and do support our friends, families, and loved ones, when it becomes all about providing support, there is a problem. If you’ve ever been in a friendship with someone who’s always in crisis or always needs advice or is struggling, you know what I’m talking about.
The problem here is soon it feels more like a counselor/patient relationship than a friendship. One person is constantly floundering while the other is constantly reassuring and trying to help creating an imbalance in the relationship.
The advice giver, propper upper is giving, giving, giving and likely getting little in return. What happens when the advice giver, propper upper needs propped up? The advice taker, propper uppee is rarely available. Thus, the advice giver, propper upper is not getting her needs met in the relationship. And, as in the case with Mr. Unavailable, if she’s not looking out for her own needs, no one else will be inclined to either.
Where the Imbalance Comes From
A fallback girl serious about making changes and experiencing growth, focuses on learning to love herself and building her self esteem. She is learning to establish healthy relationships and boundaries. As she progresses, she may simply be in a different stage of growth. In addition, many fallback girls never break the patterns causing a huge imbalance in the relationship.
They continue to feel badly about themselves, look for validation in men, and often sacrifice the friendship for the next EUM who comes along.
To Continue the Friendship or Walk Away?
One of the biggest lessons a fallback girl has to learn is that she must be the one responsible for getting her own needs met. If the friendship has reached a point where this is not happening, she may have to make the choice to walk away.
For example, say fallback girl #2 is in a habit of blowing fallback girl #1 off for a man or not being available because she’s focused on a man. There comes a day when fallback girl #1 has a bad day or needs a friend. Sucks for her because her friend is too busy with her EUM to be there for her.
It’s in that moment that she realizes her needs aren’t being met. She’s always there, always available, always provides a shoulder to cry on, but when she needs someone, she finds herself left out in the cold. She also realizes it may be time to cut and run. Time to establish and nurture other friendships and other relationships. Perhaps it’s just the evolution of things. Perhaps seeking out healthier friendships is sign of healing and better things to come. Perhaps it’s just time.
Thoughts?
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craze September 8th, 2008, 9:54 am
I’m amazed at how much I’ve grown in the past year. I’m truly focusing on me; learning to grow into the person I want to be. It can be difficult at times as I struggle to be positive and make healthy choices. And yes, I’ve had to cut back on relationships that aren’t on the same page as me. I refuse to be around people who are negative or who want to bring me down to their level.
crazes last blog post..TGIF!
auntiegwen September 8th, 2008, 11:25 am
I gave up on a close friend after supporting her through a relationship crisis for 18 months. No matter how many times I helped her out of a really bad relationship, she just went back to him, was happy for a week or so and then cried on my shoulder the rest of the time.
I just couldn’t keep saying the same things, I was boring myself !
auntiegwens last blog post..Susan
Honey September 8th, 2008, 6:57 pm
It’s not just flakiness, IMO. The people in your life should add value to it. If they don’t, then there is no need to stay in contact. This can be tough if you’re the person that always adds value, because you end up with a lot of clingy people. Beware, set limits, and be ready to extricate these folks from your daily existence (even, IMO, if they are family members).
Meghan September 8th, 2008, 8:54 pm
I spent many a year enabling bad behavior…it was tough being the girl who had to explain my friend’s chip on the shoulder every where we went.
I’m done with my good cop/bad cop days! I’ve had enough!
lisaq September 9th, 2008, 5:18 am
Me too Craze! Go us!
Haha Gwen…boring yourself. I love that! It’s exactly what I’m starting to feel.
I think you hit the nail right on the head Honey. It’s time for me to make some changes I think.
Ugh. Me too Meghan. Enough is enough!
lisaqs last blog post..Finding Love Through Detachment
saneandsingle September 22nd, 2008, 4:02 pm
I am facing this situation right now. Sometimes it is draining.
saneandsingles last blog post..One Is The Loneliest Number
lisaq September 23rd, 2008, 5:48 am
It is completely draining sane and single. I had to end it. I miss her but sometimes it’s just time.
lisaqs last blog post..The Bitch That Is PMS