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Overcoming Sexual Inhibitions
As a result of Lance’s guest post, Say Yes to Sex Before Commitment, and a subsequent conversation trading answers to the questions he asked, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about sexual inhibitions. Mine in particular but also sexual inhibitions in general.
Wanna Talk About It?
It struck me in answering those questions and more that have arisen in my conversation that I am still carrying around some sexual inhibitions of my own particularly in the area of fantasies and talking to dirty or being talked dirty to. What both of these things have in common is that they both require talking about sex. It also struck me that if the conversation I am engaged in were in person rather than through email, I would likely face the same inhibitions…that is talking about sex.
I can remember being in my early 20s and having the very same issues. That is verbalizing what my fantasies were or talking about what I liked or wanted my partner to do. Talking about sex suddenly made me feel shy and unable to to wrap my brain around what the hell to say. It has the very same effect today. In reading a question about giving examples of how I would like to be talked dirty to, I sat in front of my computer and turned several shades of red. I had no idea how to answer the question.
Sexual Contradictions
The weirdness here is that, during sex, I am not inhibited. I am completely open to all kinds of fun and welcome trying new things and having new experiences. Though more submissive than dominant, I love the open ended possibilities that sex brings with it. Sure, I’d like to learn to be a little more aggressive (and maybe that is part of this whole thing), but overall my bedroom experiences are not so much on the tame side. So, then, why this issue?
According to Wikipedia, “A sexual inhibition denotes a conservative attitude to or a reservation relating to specific sexual practices.” Conservative doesn’t begin to describe me, so then it must be a reservation relating to a specific sexual practice; in this case talking about sex.
Now Where the Hell Did THAT Come From?
I’ve been thinking about this all morning and I could not figure out where in hell this came from. And then it hit me. It has more to do with communication than it does sex. If you’ve been reading any time at all, you know that communication is one of the issues I’ve struggled with for years. In this case, it’s really all about expressing my needs, my wants, my desires.
And that goes back to not learning to express my needs and wants because, back in the day, no one cared and my needs were dismissed and even ridiculed. Imagine being asked what you want a partner to do and then being laughed at for it. No. That’s never happened, but it’s part of my fear where communication is concerned.
Yet, there must be a sexual component to all of this too. Blushing for heaven’s sake? I don’t blush. I’m certainly not a prude. I’m as experimental as they come sexually speaking. Again, according to Wikipedia,
Sexual inhibitions are caused by a number of things. The most common include, but are not limited to, repression of sexual behaviour as a small child, societal restraints on sexual behaviour, ignorance, sexual myths, and disparity in between the partners.
Ah, societal restraints on sexual behavior. Now we’re getting somewhere!
Eureka! The Root of the Problem Uncovered
One of the unfortunate results of my childhood feelings of being unimportant was to act out sexually. I became sexually promiscuous in high school and that continued for a long time. For those few moments during sex, I felt important. I knew in my heart it would come crashing down around me, but I needed that momentary validation.
As a result, I gained quite the reputation. High school was torture. Walking down the hallways every day I was greeted with cat calls and taunts of “Slut!” I was often the subject of crude discussions and whispers behind the ‘pretty people’s’ hands. Painful, very painful…especially in a small town where everyone knows everyone and knows everybody’s business. Even though it was the 70s when everyone was supposedly enjoying free love, conservative small town Kansas hadn’t really caught up with the times.
I felt unclean. I felt less than. I felt dirty. Even so, I couldn’t seem to stop. I still needed that momentary validation. I beat myself up on a daily basis even while continuing the cycle.
And there we have it kids. The very root of the problem. As far as I’ve come, those taunts and feelings of being dirty are still lurking deep down in my belief system causing me, some 30 years later, unable to communicate about sex leaving me yet another old, inaccurate belief to clear.
Thoughts?
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Brad K. September 3rd, 2008, 9:01 am
As I understand the terms, there is a difference between conservative and liberal, and the conservative and liberal agendas first annunciated decades ago.
The conservative agenda centers loosely around building business, and employing people, to improve the life of our citizens. The liberal agenda loosely centers around providing social services to care for those in need. I think a balance is needed, and both agendas have been misused by both major political parties. Both, in extremis, have caused amazing harm.
Conservative as a philosophical concept, has to do with maintaining the status quo in order to avoid disruption and trouble. Liberal refers to making change to improve things, mostly used in reference to trying to achieve something better.
As I understand it, neither conservative nor liberal philosophies are opposed to correcting problems. The conservative and liberal agendas, on the other hand, are vigorously opposed on what constitutes a problem.
lisaq, as you sit blushing at what you try to express at the computer, have you considered how many people that you admire, have you observed to talk dirty? It takes role models, or rebellion, to break past our early training.
Brad K.s last blog post..Talking Dirty – and growing up.
NML September 3rd, 2008, 9:49 am
Ooh this was a great read! I think that sometimes too much emphasis is placed on sexual inhibitions but at the same time i recognise that sometimes there are unhealthy ideas or experiences that may be at the root of it. I live and breathe dating and relationships and I’m very opinionated, yet reading your post, it occured to me that I too then am sexually inhibited. I’d need to have a good think to understand why (I shall do a post for you if you like) but I suspect that when I was younger, sex was very confusing. I found that it messed with my sense of self-worth because guys (assclowns) placed emphasis on the superficial. Like many a Fallback Girl, I used to think think far too much of a sexual connection and it led to great disappointment. Some guys could make you feel used. So admittedly, it’s only reading your post that I recognise actually that I’m not a great communicator on that front. Hmmm…
Honey September 3rd, 2008, 11:36 am
Although you have to undergo your own personal growth in order to begin to address these things, meeting the right person is a great help. The BF and I have only ever talked about our sexual preferences and fantasies in detail with each other. Of course, we did it via letters at first and only gradually became comfortable enough to talk about it. It’s still awkward sometimes, but we grow together now. So although your own introspection can’t hurt, you will grow by bounds when you meet a person you are truly compatible with.
The biggest hurdle you have is map-dot, I think…
kira September 3rd, 2008, 12:45 pm
Honestly, there are posts of my mom’s that I know better than to read. I thought that this would be one of them. We are way more open with each other than most mom-daughter duos but we keep what we discuss to generalizations. I decided to read the post because I noticed the comments and they made me curious.
I am not so different from my mom. While I was not promiscuous in high school and still am not, I can relate to having sexual inhibitions. For me, I have noticed that I am way less inhibited now as opposed to even just a year ago. I believe it is partially due to my partners.
With my ex bf, I really could have cared less to have sex at all. It was boring and mundane but I felt like if I said something he would ridicule me and just want to stick to what he liked. Now, however, I am with someone that drives me wild even just to think of him. I have definitely come out of my shell and I think a lot of it has to do with the sexual chemistry that he and I have together.
So I guess that all being said, I am with Honey. Meeting the right person IS a great help.
Brad I have to confess that I don’t even know what you are talking about. Mom mentioned “conservative,” true, but it wasn’t in terms of conservative vs. liberal in politics. It seems that you pulled that tangent out of nowhere….
auntiegwen September 3rd, 2008, 2:06 pm
Communication is the key to everything. The more you figure out yourself the easier it is to communicate with others.
I think you’re tremendous whether you do or don’t talk dirty.
Incidentally I don’t usually but apparently I’m quite talented in the dirty text department !!!
auntiegwens last blog post..The Best Laid Plans
lisaq September 4th, 2008, 6:16 am
BradK I think you misunderstand the use of the word conservative. In this case, it has nothing to do with politics. It is used to mean more traditional in style and manner…something I definitely am not.
Thanks NML! Glad to be of service!
We would love, love, love for you to write a post on the topic for us!
Honey, MapDot is indeed a huge hurdle! I think you’ve definitely hit upon something with the right partner thing. I think that would go a long way in my communication issues in general as well as sexually.
I’m glad you’ve found a great coloring book Kira. I think you are on your way!
Awww Gwen. You rock. Hard. Oh girl, I can do the dirty texting thing too. I blush, but I can do it!
lisaqs last blog post..The Ethics of Having Children-Guest Post
craze September 4th, 2008, 10:35 am
I think a lot of women have the same sexual inhibitions. I know I do for very much the same reasons as you. I think it does get better as we age, mature and grow. We have to think of it like anything else in our life. We know what we want, we need to express it. And it gets easier the more you learn to communicate those needs.
crazes last blog post..The Great White Hunter
lisaq September 5th, 2008, 5:21 am
You’re right Craze. It’s just another mountain to climb and I’m becoming one hell of a mountain climber!
lisaqs last blog post..Not Eligible for Dating…Ever!
Julia September 10th, 2008, 10:06 am
Thank you for sharing this. That’s really great write. I was thinking about this topic cause we have a discussion at the club seekwealthy.com. Thank you so much.
Lance September 11th, 2008, 8:24 am
@Lisaq, et al: I too was sexually inhibited when I was younger and it took the right partner for me to bust out and embrace my inner kink. Now, I’m all into dirty talk, spanking, hair pulling, kinkiness, etc etc. The key for me was dating a girl that was younger–seven year age gap. I felt so comfortable being in the driver seat during the deed, that I started experimenting and going a little nuts. It all worked and now I feel very comfortable with any partner doing whatever I want.
What else helped? Porn! Watching a lot of porn inspires and conditions you to normalize fantasy. I also read a couple of ebooks about bedroom game that put me over the last hurdles. They broke down what the turnons are and why.
lisaq September 11th, 2008, 3:51 pm
I have to say that the younger guys have helped me overcome several of my inhibitions Lance. It’s actually one of the reasons I prefer to date them. Oh and I love porn! Maybe I need to watch it more.
king1876 September 12th, 2008, 7:38 pm
this stuff crazy lol
http://king1876.wordpress.com/
king1876s last blog post..THE NEW I POD NANO