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Outside Looking In
There are mysteries in life that may never be explained, such as why do buns come in packages of eight and hot dogs in packages of six? Or why does it always wait to rain until after you wash your car or need to mow your lawn?
One of the greater mysteries, perhaps, is why people stay in relationships that are so obviously unhealthy? For me, it was because I was completely unaware of just how unhealthy my relationship was until I was on the outside looking in. I had friends that disapproved of my relationship but I chose to ignore them because I was in love.
Now the roles are reversed and I have to sit back and watch a friend bury herself deeper and deeper into an obviously unhealthy situation.
Lauren* and I met at work about a year and a half ago, just after she graduated high school. We became fast friends and were close at work and frequently met for lunch. Our two main topics of discussion included work and her then-boyfriend, AJ*.
Lauren and AJ had been together for about 6 months when I met her. She had moved in with him just after graduating school and was constantly gabbing about him. However, most of the things she said about him weren’t kind. It wasn’t uncommon for them to be fighting and for her to be hurt and angry. I asked her a couple of times why she stayed if she was seemingly so unhappy and she told me that he really wasn’t as bad as she sometimes makes him out to be.
By December, about a year after they started dating, he proposed. She, of course, said yes and they had plans to get married in Key West the following June. At first she seemed really excited, but that wore off very quickly.
One day she came to work in tears and shaking with fury. Lauren wanted a semi traditional dress for the wedding and AJ and his parents thought that a more casual dress that was shorter in length would be more appropriate for a beach setting. When she told them what she wanted, they told her it was stupid and produced a dress that they had bought and saw more fitting. She found herself furious because it was nothing that she wanted but she felt like she had to wear it.
On another occasion, Lauren came in upset because AJ told her that she couldn’t have a bachelorette party. He told her that it was because he didn’t trust her friends. She retaliated and said that if she couldn’t have a bachelorette party then he couldn’t have a bachelor party. In the end, he ended up having his party and she didn’t.
There was also a day that Lauren came to work madder than hell because AJ and his parents had moved the wedding to Miami without telling her. They decided that it was cheaper and more convenient for the family.
At one point, I told Lauren that I was worried about her. I didn’t like how restrictive and controlling AJ was and said that I was worried that their marriage may not last. She told me that she loved him and was going to marry him no matter what anyone said. She then proceeded to tell me that she would never get a divorce because she didn’t believe in it. I almost fell over when she told me that she would rather stay in a loveless, miserable marriage than ever get divorced.
Sometime in February, I noticed that Lauren was wearing her wedding band along with her engagement ring. I teased her about not being able to wait to put it on. She looked at me with a confused look on her face and said, “Didn’t I tell you? We got married last week.” AJ told her that he couldn’t wait until the summer and suggested that they go to the court house and get it over with.
I asked her about having the wedding in Florida and she said that they had canceled the ceremony but still decided to honeymoon there. She reasoned that without doing the ceremony, they were saving a substantial amount of money.
I haven’t seen Lauren since April. AJ asked her to quit her job and they have since moved to a different town. I have tried to call her a few times but she seems to have changed her number. I worry about her happiness and mental well-being.
I realize that it is hard to stand on the outside and look in sometimes, but I just wish that we all loved ourselves enough to realize when we are in an unhealthy situation.
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Brad K. September 2nd, 2008, 8:15 am
Kira,
Two other things stand out for me. One is that the bride’s family does the wedding. Their is negotiation, but for the most part, the bride calls the shots. Letting AJ and his family mess things around as you describe is troubling from two perspectives.
First is tradition. When she believes one tradition, and AJ goes for another, that signals a whopping big difference in culture, values, or ethics. All need to be worked out before making life-pledges.
Second is that you don’t say anything about Lauren’s family. And that AJ apparently wheels out his family as the ‘big gun’ for his life-decisions. Both are terribly unhealthy warning flags for the success of a relationship. Lauren, because lack of family ties means her understanding of family relationships is disconnected. She likely doesn’t have a good foundation of belief in what family should mean, in terms of support, respect, mutual nurturing, and discipline. Lauren would have to be very careful – talking about her wedding, without talking about her family and talking about how AJ and his family are playing with the wedding – she is at very high risk to be attracting someone abusive and disrespectful.
And AJ certainly seems to fit that description. He certainly seemed to systematically proceed to reduce Lauren’s self esteem and dreams, isolating her from work and friends so he could keep her to himself. AJ demonstrates a horrible lack of compassion or discipline – not someone to be dating, let alone marrying.
One other niggling little worry. Lauren was content to let AJ drive the relationship. She accepted his lead, about the wedding, the pace, even going along with the courthouse marriage. I have nothing against civil ceremonies. But the one I stood witness for, the bride *glowed*. She was extatic, no one around her was in the least doubt that she was married and delighted about it.
AJ likely disregarded everything Lauren said or wanted. And she mistook that for ‘forceful personality’. AJ’s demanding insistence on having his own way likely looked like strength, at first – if he was direct with her, she likely trusted him to keep her safe from the rest of the world. And he is doing that, isolating her right and left. An abuser and an at-risk girl have found each other.
Best wishes to Lauren. I hope she is a lucky one, and finds escape early.
The Diva's Thoughts September 2nd, 2008, 9:28 am
Wow! You were completely right in being worried. Shucks, I’m very worried about her from just reading this post. It’s always a dangerous sign when controlling men have their wives quit their jobs, move them away to a place where they know no one, and cut them off from their friends. Very dangerous indeed.
I truly hope Lauren is OK.
The Diva’s Thoughtss last blog post..Old People
kira September 2nd, 2008, 9:32 am
Brad and Diva- I think you are both exactly right. She is in a world controlled by her husband and that is dangerous for her physical and mental well-being. It makes me very sad that I had to watch her go through the things she shared with me and it makes me sick to my stomach that I can’t even get in touch with her anymore to check on her.
craze September 2nd, 2008, 9:42 am
AJ was way too controlling and I don’t see how this marriage can be healthy. It’s so sad when women don’t see that they are in an unhealthy relationship. Even sadder when they stay because they believe that is all they deserve.
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Honey September 2nd, 2008, 3:37 pm
I personally am in very limited contact with my family, and the BF is not on speaking terms with anyone in his immediate family, so this is very difficult for me to relate to, but I agree it does sound horribly disturbing–Brad is correct that if you don’t have the same views on these types of issues (and IMO neither set of parents really has a say in your relationships or the ceremony; we’re going to pay for our own wedding and do whatever we want) there will be long-term problems. And staying in a horrible marriage is far worse than leaving.