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Til Death Do Us Part-Or Not…Another Perspective
As I was reading Kira’s Til Death Do Us Part-Or Not post, I realized that my divorces had not only made her feel an outsider, but myself as well. Though I read her essay when she wrote it initially (I’m the built in proofreader in the family) some things occurred to me when I read it again.
Divorces #1 & 2
While somewhat traumatic, 1 & 2 didn’t really have too much effect on how I viewed myself or how I felt I was viewed by others. They just were. People I knew didn’t react much. New people I met didn’t seem to either. Though I remember feeling a little uncomfortable when telling a new girlfriend I had been married twice, I don’t remember feeling looked down on or otherwise shunned.
Of course, that could have been because I was already dating #3 at that point so risk of what a new man might think was a moot point.
Divorce #3
A little more traumatic to be sure. When assclown #3’s drinking got incredibly far out of hand, there was nothing else to do but end the whole mess. Shortly before the end there had been an incident. I think it was Kira who asked if he was an alcoholic. It was at that point that I knew something had to be done. He took the final decision out of my hands by getting picked up for his 4th DUI and spending the night in jail. A no-brainer.
People who knew me understood the horror the marriage and the drinking had been and again there were really no feelings of being ostracized by society. Those who didn’t know understood when I explained the circumstances. I did begin feeling a little bit uncomfortable in some places. Church being one. There were some who obviously looked down their noses, but overall I was comfortable because I knew that I hadn’t had a choice.
Divorce #4
This is when it happened. Good Lord! Four times! What is wrong with her? Doesn’t she know marriage is supposed to be forever? How in the world could she have made the same mistake four times?
Though no one ever really said anything to me, I could feel the judgment. It was obvious there were people who just plain didn’t approve of me. And, at that point, I didn’t much approve of myself. I beat myself up on a daily basis…especially over the circumstances of the 4th divorce. Ugly. Not much to be proud of. I judged myself as harshly, or maybe even more so, than those I resented for judging me in the first place.
I was embarrassed to meet a new man and to have to answer that dreaded “How many times have you been married?” question. One or even two marriages seemed the norm for the men I met but four? Not by a long shot! I always felt that I would be looked at as the girl who was good enough to sleep with but not to have a relationship with when I answered the question.
Never mind that those who were beginning to look down their noses now completely looked at me as if there was definitely something wrong with me. One lady, who also attended the same church, works where I teach. I’ve always gotten an “I’m better than you” vibe from her and continue to get it. Meeting new people, not just men, was sometimes difficult. That feeling that I would be judged and written off because of my four divorces was always there.
Let ‘Em Judge
It took a long time to overcome those feelings of being outside the societal norm and feeling judged by people. As recently as last Spring, I was still struggling with this issue…especially where men were concerned. It brought home all of those feelings of not being good enough and not being worthy of love.
I remember trying to talk to my mom about it. (I know. What the hell was I thinking?) She said, “Well, do you have to count then all?” What?! Really? I can’t just pretend that they didn’t happen. I tried to talk about it with people I’m close to. I tried to work through it.
In my head I knew that I had to go through everything I’d been through to become the person I am today, and I’m grateful for that. I love the person I am today! Still, there was this nagging voice in my head that I couldn’t get rid of. It wasn’t until a conversation with Kira (that girl really is SO smart!) that I was finally able to get perspective and put it behind me.
When I expressed my fears about telling prospective partners about my marriages, she simply said to answer the question of how many times I’d been married this way. “Will it change the person I am right now? Will it make a difference in how you see me?” If the answer to these questions is yes, or even maybe, I know that this is not someone I need in my life anyway.
As for those who continue to judge and look down their noses, the hell with them! The only person who can make me feel like less than I am is me, and I am completely comfortable with who I am and with my past. Judgment comes from one place and one place only and, when I reach the pearly gates, then He and I will work it out.
Thoughts?
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craze September 1st, 2008, 2:47 pm
You are right, if the person can’t handle the number for whatever reason then he’s just not good enough for you. Plain and simple.
crazes last blog post..Remember when….
lisaq September 2nd, 2008, 6:17 am
You got it Craze! Plain and simple.
lisaqs last blog post..Outside Looking In
auntiegwen September 2nd, 2008, 9:56 am
Would anyone question you for having 4 serious relationships ? No, so why is it such a big deal to have been brave enough to want to marry the men you loved ?
So says the woman who is not even brave enough to file for her first divorce even though the marriage ended 2 years ago !!!
auntiegwens last blog post..The Best Laid Plans
Cynthia September 2nd, 2008, 10:41 am
I am the daughter of a woman that has been married 6 times (some of them repeats). I only wish that she would have some of the same insightful thoughts. Not only did she remarry so many times, but at some point during each marriage she would start dating someone else. As the oldest child, I was expected to “help” her hide it from the others. NOT! I remember during marriage #3, when the guy I still call dad asked me where she was and I told him that she was out with someone else. I must have been about 7 years old and I still remember him going after them and the car wreck that occurred (No joke). I will say that yes those experiences have obviously helped to build the person I am today. But I honestly could have done without a lot of it. To this day, I can’t and won’t forgive her (she actually left me with husband 5 while she moved in with another boyfriend). I live a good day’s drive from her and rarely talk to her. But my biggest dilemma is that my 2 oldest children think the world of her. She recently got back together with her childhood boyfriend (while still living with husband #5). Although she is an adult and I have distanced myself, she had the audacity to tell my 13-year old what she was doing. At which point I told her to stay out of their lives for the most part. ……All of this venting/rambling brings me to say that I am so very happy for you and your daughters, that you HAVE been able to build a great relationship with them. I wish that were a possibility for me, but too much stands in the way. …..I love what you are doing with this site.
lisaq September 4th, 2008, 5:55 am
Haha…That’s exactly right Gwen. You nailed it!
Thanks Cynthia! I appreciate that! I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that. I think, since she is continuing the same patterns and having inappropriate conversations with the kids, that you are absolutely doing the right thing keeping them from her.
lisaqs last blog post..The Ethics of Having Children-Guest Post