20-forty.comBecause love isn’t always 20/20!
Until Death Do Us Part- Or Not
For my Composition class last semester, I had to write about something in my life that made me feel like an outsider in comparison to others. I chose divorce. Out of my friends, I was the only one whose parents weren’t married and I felt out of place at times. I decided to share my essay because I it comes from the perspective of the child and how relationships, and divorce, can affect them.
I was eight months old the first time it happened. I was six years old the second time. The third it happened I was thirteen and thankful for it. By the fourth time it occurred, I was nineteen and had finally learned to accept it as a regular part of my life. Divorce made me feel like an outsider compared to my friends as well as at home.
My mother, Lisa, was twenty-one years old and unmarried the first time she became pregnant. My father, Darin, was nineteen and completely unprepared to be a dad. All of my grandparents agreed that it was unacceptable to bring a child into the world out of wedlock. In compliance with their parents wishes, my mother and father were married in April of 1984; a mere five months before I was born. Their marriage was a complete mistake and thirteen months after their wedding day they were divorced.
The last time I saw my biological father I was a year old. For the past twenty-two years, the only contact I have had with my paternal family has been through my great-grandmother. She has always sent me letters that keep me updated on Darin. Those letters have helped me to realize how much better off I am without my drug-addicted, drug-selling biological father. He has three other children that were taken into the custody of the state of Hawaii because he was, and still is, an unfit father. For a long time I felt like I was missing out because I did not have my father around. I have since realized that God took Darin out of my life for good reason.
I was two years old the second time my mother married. I adored Scott and began to call him “dad.” He treated me as if I was his real daughter which helped to fill the void that my biological father had left. This was my dad’s third marriage and he already had a son, Kris, from his first marriage. When I was four, my mom and dad had my sister, Kaci. The five of us made the most perfect family, at least for a while.
I was six when we took a “family trip” to Kansas to see my grandparents. Little did my brother, sister, and I know that it was really a trip to divorce court. It wasn’t until we were back in Washington that my parents told us what happened. My mom, sister, and I moved out and into an apartment. My brother moved to Kansas to live with our grandparents, and Kaci and I only saw our dad every other weekend.
When I went back to school I had to go see the school guidance counselor on a regular basis. We talked about my parents divorce and my feelings about my new situation. The other kids used to tease me about seeing the counselor because it meant that I had “mental” problems. I tried to pretend that their taunting didn’t bother me, but I cried when I went home. It was so hard for me to understand why both of my dads left.
I hated my mom’s third husband, Darrin. The day she told me that they were getting married was the first and only time I ever told my mother that I hated her. Of course, I didn’t really hate my mother but I was completely hurt that she was marrying someone that awful. I spent most of my time in my bedroom or at a friend’s house in order to avoid him. I never brought friends home because I was afraid of how they would react if they met Darrin. All of my friends’ parents were still married and I feared they would think less of me if they got a taste of my home life.
Darrin and I fought about my messy room, being on the phone, or playing the Sega. I told him how much I hated him on a regular basis. For me, this was probably the most traumatic of my mother’s marriages. I couldn’t understand why I could do no right in his eyes. He made me feel like an outsider in my own home. The day my mother told me they were getting divorced was one of the happiest days of my life.
I was in high school the fourth time my mom got married. At first I thought Lindsay was the coolest guy I had ever met. He took us to concerts and on trips to Texas, California, Las Vegas, and Hawaii. Unfortunately it wasn’t very long before his charm wore off. He began to remind me of Darrin. He was constantly nagging me about my messy room among other things. It never seemed to matter to him that I had good grades, never drank alcohol, never did drugs, and even had a couple good jobs. I was thrilled to move out and go to college so I didn’t have to deal with him any longer. By the end of my first semester, they had filed for divorce.
I was always apprehensive to discuss my mother’s marriages with my friends. All of my friends’ parents were still married and because of that I assumed that they would look down on me for being from a divorced family. After twenty-three years of feeling like an outsider among my friends, I have finally realized that it was all in my head. My friends don’t care about my mother’s divorces; they love me because of who I am not because of my family situation.
Feeling like an outsider is one of the worst feelings imaginable. I not only felt that way among friends but I felt like an outsider in my own home. It took me a long time to understand why my mom’s first two marriages didn’t work and I don’t think I will ever understand why her last two husbands disliked me so much. However, my journey as an outsider has taught me that everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t gone through each experience than I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I have an awesome family (even though my parents aren’t married), incredible friends, a really good job, a roof over my head, and food in my refrigerator. What more could I possibly ask for?
Brad K. August 31st, 2008, 9:19 am
Kira,
There are likely many reasons you might have disliked Darrin.
First is that he was an intruder into your home, claiming part of your time with your mother. With Darrin and Lindsay, you were maturing sexually, rebelling (messy room), and maybe more aware of matters of respect or disrespect.
But kids are geniuses at games. From birth, you never explain the rules - but if the environment stays stable, the kid figures out the rules pronto. This is frustrating for parents that tell the kids one thing, and live another - the example is *much* louder, and more important, for figuring out the rules.
Your mother made a habit of picking guys with issues, she hasn’t yet learned to make a good mate, or both. It was your mother’s responsibility to pick a man (men) that suited her needs, and her family. Nothing that happened was your fault.
Many people with parents that stayed together faced similar turmoil at home. They tend to feel isolated, shunned, too. Or a beloved pet is ridiculed, or .. Kids in America are often stunningly cruel and caste-oriented. Unthinking parents teach their kids outrageous prejudices and horrible habits of condescension and arrogance. Teachers cherish the feeling of belonging, of joy that kids find in a happy classroom - because too often that closeness and belonging are fragile. Most teachers can list the kids with issues at home - it shows. Kids pick that up, too, and at younger ages the herd instinct to cut out the weak and injured comes into play.
I imagine that your feelings of isolation in school were quite real. Casual cruelty is all too common among the young, all of it learned at home.
I am glad you are recognizing that reality is moving on, and you are finding a happier balance (or at least moving from the hurtful past).
Blessed be.
lisaq August 31st, 2008, 10:09 am
You’re pretty much on target here Brad. As a teacher, I totally agree that we can pick up on issues our students have often very quickly. And you’re right, at the time of my marriages, and divorces, I hadn’t learned to pick a good mate and definitely chose men with issues. It is only recently that I recognized what my own issues were and took steps to correct them and get myself healthy so that I am able to choose a man who will make a good mate. Believe me, no one wishes more than I that this had come sooner to spare my girls the pain they went through as a result of my bad choices.
lisaqs last blog post..Until Death Do Us Part- Or Not
Honey August 31st, 2008, 3:08 pm
The day that you realize your parents are people, too, who are still learning how to live life and who make bad choices as they learn, is a big day.
kira August 31st, 2008, 11:12 pm
Maybe I should have included this in my essay but I need everyone to know that I do not blame my mother for anything and if I had a chance to go back, I would let it all happen the exact same way. I’d like to think it all helped me to build character ;).
The way I see it, I have two choices. I can be bitter about my past or I can take a lesson, if not several lessons, from it. I choose the latter.
I’m sure there were times when I was growing up that I was angry at my mom for her choices, butknow that I can look back on everything with a mature eye, I know that she would have never intentionally done anything to jeopardize my or my sister’s well-being. I’m grateful that I consistently had, and still have, my mother in my life.
My mom’s husbands were always secondary father figures in my life. Out of the four, Scott, my sister’s dad and husband number two, was the only one who did and still does treat me as if I was/am his own. However, my papa (grandpa) was, is, and always will be the most prominent male figure in my life. He stepped up to take on the role of father and grandfather and he rose to the challenge beautifully. Perhaps that is why I no longer feel at a loss when compared to those whose parents never separated.
Brad- you had some valid points but the only thing I completely agree with you on is that condescension and arrogance are horrible habits. However, I imagine our definitions of those two words to be very different.
Mom (lisaq)- I think you misunderstood Brad’s comment about a “good mate.” He was suggesting that you either chose/choose men with issues, was/are not a good mate yourself, or both. Whether either or both of those statements are true, it doesn’t change the fact that you have learned from bad choices and mistakes. You are the best mother K and I could hope for, no matter what anyone else says or thinks. We love you!
Honey- you couldn’t be more right. I felt like an outsider when I was younger and felt anger toward my mother at times but I now realize that everything she ever did was to try and give my sister and I a better life. She made some bad choices, true, but all things considered, I couldn’t have asked for a better mother. After all, she is only human.
Brad K. September 1st, 2008, 10:36 am
Kira,
I am sorry that you feel outrage at my critical words about your mother’s choices and actions. I do not blame anyone for anything. She is a good parent, to have raised a good daughter, there is no doubt about that.
I always assume people make the best choices they can. That doesn’t make the choice good, nor does good intent make the choice bad. But when a choice result in unwanted results, we look to what drove the choice, to avoid disappointments when making similar choices in the future.
You have to recognize what worked for the better, and what didn’t. Your mother is an amazingly powerful role model - all parents and their friends are. If you don’t recognize what to avoid, you risk repeating mistakes, all unknowing. “Those that ignore history are doomed to repeat it” (or something like that) applies to nations and armies - and families.
It takes good role models to be a good mate, and years of practice. Being a good mate depends on the people involved, and takes a lifetime to learn. One of the tragedies of divorce is that it sets one back to learning how, again. We don’t talk about that very much, when we talk about ‘working on a relationship’ or getting married.
Peace, please?