The Hot Prospect Background Check

• Make sure he isn’t a convicted felon or sex offender by searching computerized data bases or the local county courthouse
• Make sure he is not married or in another (supposedly) committed relationship (see “The Disengagement Partier”)
• Gain some insight into past relationships:
o How long did they last?
o When did his last relationship end?
o Was the break-up amicable?
o Is he over the relationship?
o Do they remain in contact?
• Check references:
o Find someone credible who knows him fairly well and mention you’ve gone out with so-and-so. Gauge the associate’s reaction. Does he wince or make derogatory comments about The Hot Prospect’s character or how he treats women?
• Learn what he does for a living. Is it something respectable, or something he feels he has to hide? (see “Ditch Him If” advice in Profile 1: The Mystery Man)
• Find out his basic religious belief and politics.
o Is he a member of a highly controversial religious sect or a political party?
• Learn a little about his friends, family, and colleagues, spending time with them if possible.
o Is he involved in a gang?
o Are his friends or family serving time in prison or under investigation?
 Law enforcement officials frequently target girlfriends. If he is selling drugs or involved in other criminal activity, you could be seen as an associate.

It’s not easy to wait, and the homework the “Hot Prospect Background Check” entails can be challenging as well. But waiting is worth it.

http://www.DitchingMrWrong.com

auntiegwens last blog post..auntiegwen goes to Dublin

With my long distance FB, we had sex only a few hours after meeting, and we were able to have intimate, comfortable conversations right away, whereas this would have been impossible if we were dating.

@Brad: I like what you’re saying, but my thing is fast or slow sex doesn’t really change the intrinsic quality of the sex. if you’re sexually compatible, the sex is guaranteed to be good, and you want to ascertain that compatibility as quickly as possible.

Brad, you said, “If you choose a mate for their spirit, their character, their interest in you, then the sex will be more than acceptable.” THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FALSE, and IMO it is thinking like this that gets people a year or two into a LTR (or a marriage) only to lead to a nasty breakup and/or divorce. You choose friends based on their spirit, character, and interest in you. You choose a mate based on their spirit, character, interest in you, and sexual compatibility. To pretend otherwise is to fall in love with someone who will never make you happy, which isn’t fair to ANYONE.

That being said, I have two additional points:

(1) as I’ve mentioned before, I slept with the BF on the first date and we have worked out amazing. I also slept with other folks on the first date to have it work out horribly. That’s the risk you take. I have also waited with folks and waiting has had no appreciable effect on length/quality of relationships (that is, the relationships where I waited first weren’t any longer or better than the relationships where I didn’t…only the time period where I wasn’t getting laid was longer. Sucky). However, although I’m not opposed to having sex right away as a screening tool like Lance suggests, sex is SO MUCH BETTER once you are in love and secure that if I were ever single again this would be tough for me to live by. However, it also means that if the sex is fantastic in the beginning, it will be MIND-BLOWING as your relationship progresses.

(2) Differences in financial/money values and habits break up FAR more marriages than sexual differences do. Ironically (and unfortunately) this is considered by many to be a far more inappropriate topic until it’s too late–to find out that the person you’re in love with is a financial disaster when you’re 2.5 years in (or, heaven forbid, already married) is FAR worse, IMO, then waiting 3 or 6 months only to find out they suck in bed.

crazes last blog post..A lil’ about me

I am currently in a sex before commitment situation and found the points you made to be, well, insightful. Honestly, we had sex the first night we met and it was absolutely incredible. We were essentially strangers, true, but it made the sex a lot less inhibited because there were no expectations. Now we are working on the rest while still enjoying and indulging in the physical aspects.

I do have to agree with saneandsingle and brad, however, that it can be a tough situation and isn’t the right route for everyone. Some have deep religious beliefs that would not allow a sex before commitment type situation and others whose emotions simply can’t let them. It goes back to women associating sex with emotion and men being able to leave emotion out of the equation.

Overall, I am standing up out of my seat and cheering you on wildly for this one! Kudos and thanks!

This is a tough one. I still feel that I would be disrespectful of a lady to reject an invitation for sexual intercourse. And yet..

For those that wait, they go to bed with a partner.

Those that are getting acquainted and evaluating, go to bed with a *visitor*. For one or the other, or both, their sexual performance, or their body language in intimate action, or an unfortunate word may get the invitation for a ‘next time’ withdrawn, canceled, or extended.

Sex with a visitor will almost always be more ephemeral, more adventuresome as the combination of risk and abandonment to the moment play out. Excitement means there is a risk, and element of danger. The ‘before’ sex will have a higher potential for excitement. And that can be good, to have those moments of delight to recall as the LTR matures and waxes and wanes in satisfaction.

For those that wait, the sexual excitement (element of risk) and turmoil and doubts will often be more subdued - and more dependable. If you choose a mate for their spirit, their character, their interest in you, then the sex will be more than acceptable. If a partner is interested, their body language will reveal whether they are comfortable with their body, with physical stimulation (such as free movement, dance, physical closeness). You don’t need penetration to pick up on lack of self-awareness or self acceptance.

If you mean a girl is attractive because of makeup, manner of dress or movement, then I understand your dilemma. If you mean she is attractive because of her inner joy (her smile), her honesty, her discipline, her compassion and generosity, then I guess it wouldn’t matter as much if you waited - except she will want to be sure your character is impeccable, your interest in life runs toward LTR or family, before she climbs into the rack with you.

I grew up with neighbors that hung “Kissin’ Don’t Last / Cookin’ Do” trivets hanging on the kitchen wall. That is, that making a home is different than a hot date. Dates end.