20-forty.comBecause love isn’t always 20/20!
Reader Question-What If He Overreacts?
A new reader asks:I’m new to your website. I followed a link from baggagereclaim and discovered you and your daughter’s site. My question is this:
I am 45 years old and my boyfriend is 61. I have been divorced just over a year but began seeing T a little over 2 years ago, when I was separated. I have younger children, but his two are grown. He has been married and divorced twice.
The problem right now is that he wants to see me all the time, like every night of the week. Whether or not I have my kids on the weekend, we spend the whole weekend together. The only difference is, when my kids are with me, I won’t sleep at his house. I’m afraid that if I bring up the subject about spending more time apart, it will get overblown and he may react badly.
I don’t want to end the relationship, as he treats me like a queen and we are in love. However, I’m not a people person and really like my time alone. Obviously he doesn’t like to be alone. Sometimes I reason that if this is my only problem with him, then I should just let it go.
Thanks for any advice you can give me,
C
Lisa says:
Ugh! I hate to be the one to say it girl, but I’m seeing red flags all over the place here not the least of which is that he doesn’t seem to have any consideration for your feelings at all! He wants what he wants when he wants it regardless of whether it is right or good for you. Who made him the center of the Universe anyway? What about you? Who’s taking your needs into consideration?
Secondly, he wants to monopolize all of your time. Don’t you really need to both time to yourself and time alone with your kids? Is it fair to your kids, and to you, to build your lives and schedules around what he wants? Besides which, most men value a woman who has her own life outside of them. Most healthy men that is.
It sounds smothering to me which is something I personally cannot, will not do. There’s a fabulous song by Pink called Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely). The first line is “Go away. Give me a chance to miss you. Say goodbye. It’ll make me want to kiss you.” You need room so that there’s room for two. She says it perfectly!
The biggie though, the thing that worries me the most is that you’re afraid to bring it up to him. Whoa girl! Don’t you want to be with someone you feel comfortable communicating with? What kind of a relationship do you really have if you’re afraid of how he’ll react when you bring up concerns? Girl, seriously, first of all overreact? Really? Because you expressed yourself in regard to your needs? Please. You need to feel comfortable doing that in a relationship. You deserve it. You’re entitled to it. Any man worth his salt would welcome that.
I’m sorry to disagree that his needing to spend all of his time with you is the only problem here. I think there’s much more under the surface. A queen? Really? Wouldn’t you really rather be with a man who valued you and treated you with respect in regard to your needs? I don’t need to be worshiped. I don’t want to be worshiped. I simply want to be valued and cared for. Don’t you?
Lisaq
Kira says:
I agree with my mom on most points, but I want to explore other angles as well. One of the first things I noticed was the age difference of 16 years. Now, I want to be clear in saying that I don’t generally think age is an issue but it becomes one if you aren’t on the same page as far as your life goals and aspirations.
It seems to me that he is near the age of retirement which could mean that he is ready to settle down and do nothing but spend time with the person he loves. Whereas you still have younger children and can’t afford to dedicate all of your time to a man.
I also don’t like the idea that you are reluctant to tell him how you feel because you are afraid of his reaction. When in a loving, committed relationship, we should be able to tell our partners anything without fear of an ill reaction.
Your statement of “Sometimes I reason that if this is my only problem with him, then I should just let it go,” is what bothers me the most. I can speak from personal experience when I say that not talking to him about it is the worst route that you can take.
Regardless of how trivial it seems, you need to talk to him about it. If you don’t say anything, the issue will fester inside you and a small, possibly large, part of you will always be angry at him for it. That is no way to go through a relationship.
You also need to think about your children. They are invested in this relationship as well, especially if they have a good relationship with him. If you let the issue fester inside of you, which I imagine that it has at least somewhat already or you wouldn’t have written us, your children will be able to sense that something is off kilter.
Speaking as a child whose mother dated as I was growing up, I can tell you that kids are more aware of what is going on then everyone gives them credit for and things like this can affect them adversely.
At the end of the day, you need to put yourself and your children first. You need to speak with him about your feelings and if he reacts favorably, then great. However, if he blows up or gets offended, then you seriously need to reevaluate your relationship because you and your children deserve better.
kira
Brad K. August 25th, 2008, 5:54 am
Reader,
Since LisaQ and Kira didn’t mention this - why are you seeing this guy? Really?
It has been two years - including the year you spent cheating on your marriage (if not on your husband). Are you just looking for dates, or making a family?
I hope you realize that it looks like you are using this guy for your own pleasure, but holding him at arms length in public (when the kids are there). I imagine you have him a bit confused - you sleep over regularly, when it is convenient to you. Does this mean he has a mate or a date?
I would think that this issue - what in the heck do you intend to do, and why haven’t you done it - is way bigger than his ’smothering’. His wanting to spend all the time may be his attempt to budge you off your comfortable (for you) fence, where if you actually wanted to be a mate to this guy, he would feel more free to pursue his interests and feel more secure in watching you pursuing yours.
You should know how failing to communicate sours things. Unless you keep close contact with your feelings and his, it is way to easy to make mistakes (wrong assumptions).
He hooked up with you while you were married. That is a big red flag for a long-term relationship. You hooked up while married. That raises questions about your discipline and honesty - cheating is a tough habit to break. After two years, a year since the divorce, and you are worried about him wanting to spend more time with you.
It sounds like, as a couple and individually, you have a lot of issues to work through. A trained professional - counselor, coach, etc. - can help survey and identify the most pressing issues and guide you through dealing with them.
As Kira said, the kids - yours and his - deserve a good life example. Separate households, dating with no plans for the future, sex with a ‘visitor’ (you, while at his house). I see a number of (probably) unintended examples for the kids.
The Diva's Thoughts August 25th, 2008, 9:04 am
Lisa, come by my blog. I have something for youuuuuu! lol
The Diva’s Thoughtss last blog post..I’ve Received An Award
craze August 25th, 2008, 9:52 am
I agree with the other responses.. there are all kinds of red flags here. This guy is too controling.
crazes last blog post..Winner, winner, chicken dinner
Honey August 25th, 2008, 3:30 pm
I have to disagree with Brad–there’s no evidence here that any cheating was going on (and in any case, I disagree with the “once a cheater always a cheater” mentality, although I do think that if you cheat on a particular person you will probably cheat on that person again if you get back together or stay together). There is also no evidence that “C” wants to remain on a perpetual date since she’s debating overlooking relationship behavior that she’s not comfortable with in order to have a partner.
That being said, however, I don’t think that you should stay with someone that makes you uncomfortable, that you’re afraid to talk to, that doesn’t want you to have a life outside of them, etc. It is possible that C is just nervous about these types of conversations and that this fellow *wouldn’t* over-react. However, she’ll never know unless she talks to him, and IMO, not talking to him is not an option–whether or not he over-reacts, either way she’ll have a better idea of what’s up.
Honeys last blog post..The Weekly: Honey Edition
saneandsingle August 25th, 2008, 4:17 pm
I have to say that I agree with Lisa 100%!!
saneandsingles last blog post..Texting=NO SEX!!
kira August 25th, 2008, 5:26 pm
I’m with Honey on every point she made. C never said she cheated on her husband with T. In fact, she didn’t even say that there was a sexual relationship between them at the time she was separated from her husband. Brad, if you are going to give advice, it needs to be based on the information provided, not what you assume to be true.
I also must disagree with Brad saying “I imagine you have him a bit confused - you sleep over regularly, when it is convenient to you.” She said she does not stay with him when she has her children. That is called responsible parenting, not an attempt to confuse your partner.
I think the one thing that everyone who has commented agreed on though, is that there are several red flags about this relationship. Communication is the best way to get you through this, C!
lisaq August 26th, 2008, 6:01 am
I completely disagree BradK. It doesn’t look at all like she’s using him for her own pleasure. I also agree with Honey and Kira that she never said she had cheated and I think you have made some unfair assumptions.
I’ll be by soon Diva!
Yeah Craze, I see all kinds of control issues here.
You’ve hit the nail on the head Honey. I think C needs to really reevaluate the relationship and look at why she is wary of communicating her feelings with T.
Thanks Sane! You. Rock.
Yep Kira. I think you bring up many good points here. There were a number of unfair assumptions made.
lisaqs last blog post..Why I Don’t Owe You a Reply…
Brad K. November 11th, 2008, 6:43 am
LisaQ, Honey, my comment about cheating - on the marriage, if not her husband, was about the fact C stated she began seeing this guy a year before being divorced. Whether there was intimacy or what sex acts might have been performed is irrelevant - she was married at the time she began a relationship with another man. Perhaps this is a legalistic interpretation, but a respectful and honorable person would have ended the earlier marriage when it was over, not let another relationship bump it out of the way. Cheating can be any communication or intimacy with another, that properly belongs in the marriage.
On re-reading what C. wrote, I am struck by how very much relationship baggage each must be carrying. C. doesn’t look to have spent enough time after her marriage to recover to heal and recover her balance - meaning that she still sees her companion through the mist of her failed marriage experiences.
And that might be affecting her companion, too. His two marriages undoubtedly left him with defense mechanisms and habits and ‘rules’ for avoiding trouble - based on his previous companions. I don’t think the issue is so much his age, as the number of years he has spent thinking in certain ways.
I am concerned about anger management on his part. He has to have exhibited inappropriate behavior, or the concern of his reaction would not have come up.
And I wonder how much of her concern about sleeping at his house when she has the kids is about image management - for her husband’s lawyer - how much just the logistics of packing the kid’s stuff for a sleepover, and how much he refuses to have the kids around. I don’t like the way C. specifically mentions the kid-weekends as a problem in the relationship. This part is really chilling for me.
C. seems to be in a relationship that needs expert guidance, professional assistance and counseling. Whether this is a healthy relationship that needs assistance or not will take some work to sort out.
Brad K.´s last blog post..Select a mate - or date? Pick one.
Brian December 4th, 2008, 3:46 pm
I agree with Kira here. First, the age thing is a sign that he may be at a different point in his life. Second, you do need to take your kids into consideration above everything as they are your greatest responsibility. With that being said, I am not sure this guy has all the “issues” that some on here think he does. She hasn’t talked to him about this yet, so maybe once she does he will be ok with giving her the space she needs. They are apparently very in love, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with the one you love. Now if he won’t give her any space or time to spend with kids and friends then that is controlling and not at all healthy. The most important point here I think is that communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship and everything should be on the table, not in a bottle. That’s just my 2 cents.