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The Crazy (Ex)Girlfriend
I hate her. I don’t even know her and yet I couldn’t dislike her more. She is trashy, nosy, high maintenance, bi-polar, and worst of all, my ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend.
I’m Jealous?
Most of these feelings stem from jealousy. The silly part is I don’t want him and yet I don’t want her to have him either. The rest of the feelings come from me not liking her as a person, regardless of her being with him.
She Really IS Crazy
She didn’t bother me at first. I knew they were together and I just dealt with it. Then one day as I am sitting in Spanish class attempting to take a test, she sends me a text message. I was so infuriated by the whole situation that I don’t even remember details of the conversation. I just remember that she harassed me damn near to the point of making me insane.
She finally broke me and I admitted to her that he had cheated on her with me, which, as wrong as it may be, was completely true. I regret that we had sex after we broke up but I must admit that it felt great rubbing it in her face.
It’s All in Her Head!
A couple of months ago she sent me an email to inform me that they were engaged. I was outraged. I threw my phone (I read the message via the internet on my phone) and immediately broke down and cried. I couldn’t decided what hurt me more, the fact that he proposed to someone after 4 months of dating when we dated for over 3 years, or the fact that he proposed to her.
My friends picked me up off the floor, took me to the bar, and fed me so many shots that the walls simply wouldn’t quit wobbling. Somehow I made it home, stumbled to the computer, and proceeded to email him. I told him every emotion I was feeling at the time, including how I wished things had turned out differently and how I thought his new fiance was a tramp that needed to mind her own business and leave me alone.
To my surprise, he emailed me back. She had lied. They weren’t engaged and he apologized for her behavior. He asked me to let him know if she bothered me again and I obliged.
She’s the Crazy One?
I hate how crazy she makes me and I hate that I let her get to me but I can’t seem to help it. I envision plastering the scandalous photographs she takes (yes, she thinks she is a Victoria’s Secret model) all over the internet with her phone number attached, or emailing the pictures to his parents and her boss so they all hate her too. Of course I would never do these things but I can’t help my scheming.
Someday, none of it will matter but until then, I hope she steps on a rusty nail and her whole foot gets so infected that it falls off. With all of the plotting going on in my head and all of the hatred she brings out in me, I can’t help but wonder, is she the crazy one or am I??
Brad K. August 20th, 2008, 9:31 am
Kira,
You are right. You are asking whether you are behaving well, and you know you aren’t.
First, you have to cutoff contact with both of these people. You cannot afford to be acting out. One for-instance. You imagine posting pics on the internet. Think about this - any email or text or other message you send can be kept and posted, too. You may not care today, but you have to realize that bitter words can get around to friends, family, future dates today or years down the road. While your thoughts are your own, “Hard words, like jackboots, cannot be recalled.”
You cannot afford to think bitter thoughts. They are habit forming, a very bad habit. You want to be a comfort and joy to friends and family. When you dwell in the past, when you invest emotions and energy in attacks on others, for whatever reason, you leave less room for happiness, and make anger a bitter habit. Anger ties you to the past, and to him, and to her. You cannot move on until you acknowledge that you are angry, that the anger is a danger to you, and that you cannot afford to express or even maintain that anger. Forgive him, forgive her, forgive yourself, and forgive for the best of reasons - because it is the right thing to do, and will make your life better.
The only thing in the past that should be concerning you, is the question of why you are feeling anger towards him or towards her. You were the one that chose to date the guy, you were the one that stayed for three years. He didn’t have anything to do with your choice to go with him or to stay with him - that was your choice. If he acted out, cheated, drifted away, or simply got bored - what happened to you is the result of your choices to stay with him. Fear and despair can transfer to anger at another, but that doesn’t resolve the conflict.
You admitted to her that he had cheated on her with you. That is gossip, an attack of words, intended to hurt her and hurt him. An attack. Bullying for amusement. Another bad habit to avoid. Nothing good ever comes from gossip.
Let go of the past, don’t put any more energy into that turmoil. If you get a wedding invite from them, *send a nice card* and *do not go to the wedding or reception for any reason*. If you are contacted by either, respond with a single-word conversation, “No.” Don’t repeat it, don’t explain, don’t give either something to use to prolong contact (and likely cause you pain).
Your future begins now. Your friends and family, and future date possibilities - or their friends - will recall how you are handling this, and that may influence whether Mr. Right chooses to avoid ‘that crazy lady’. Reputations, especially about breakups, reach farther today with the internet than ever before.
And I think that finding an experienced grief counselor may make your healing go faster, and your life be a bit happier, eventually.
kira August 20th, 2008, 10:36 am
Brad K.
First off, I would like to ask that you do not pretend to know me. I am not generally an angry person and I live each day doing my best to find the silver lining, even when it seems impossible. I choose to listen to happy, upbeat music to keep me chipper and try my best to turn frowns into smiles.
I am not at a loss over my exboyfriend. I chose to end the relationship because it was an unhealthy one and I am still 100% sure that was the right decision. It was inevitable that he move on and that is more than ok.
Do not think that I spend my days plotting her demise. Nothing could be more far from the truth and I spend my days with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. I simply get frustrated when she contacts me, and that is when my mind races. I vent and I am done. Never once have I initiated contact with her.
Secondly, you are wrong if you believe that anger is not a natural emotion. It is how we channel that anger that makes or breaks us. I said that I was scheming against her, but I do not have it in me to go through with a single one of those thoughts. Believe it or not, my mom raised me to have a conscience.
I proposed the question of who is crazier, me or her, because the feelings that she stirs in me are very much out of my normal character. I know that, most days, I am a completely sane, competent, and rational person. I don’t have voodoo dolls with her name on them and I haven’t attempted to put a hex on her.
Thirdly, I don’t appreciate you questioning my happiness. You must realize that the main purpose of my writing is to vent. Writing is how I channel my anger and frustration and I would imagine that to be a very healthy outlet. I am able to organize the swirling thoughts in my brain and, as a result, put what is bothering me behind me and focus on more important matters, such as my wonderful family or my amazing job.
As always, we welcome your input and thank you for your thoughts.
craze August 20th, 2008, 12:38 pm
I don’t think you’re crazy at all. I’m sure most women have gone through something very similar. I know I have. It’s frustrating to act so out of character, yet the positive side is that you at least recognize it.
kira August 20th, 2008, 1:46 pm
Thank you, craze. I know that a lot of women go through similar situations everyday and that every one of them handles it differently. The feelings of hurt and anger are natural, it is what we do with those emotions that defines us.
Loving Annie August 20th, 2008, 6:14 pm
Kira,
I thought Brad’s response was brilliant and right to the point.
You seemed quite defensive in responding to him, and I think in being so you missed the points he was making, which were kind and constructive and insightful.
He wasn’t attacking you - although I cannot speak for him, it didn’t come across that way to me, nor in any other comments on any other posts has he attacked anyone. Rather he was offering you solutions and things to look at.
Kira, in answering your question - I would say you are both behaving/feeling/reacting equally so at this point.
Doesn’t mean you ARE as a person, or you ARE all the time - or that she is. But you’re both showing dysfunction. Neither one of you is worse than the other - you are playing off each-other.
She doesn’t MAKE you crazy, and yes, you can help it.
You do have choices, and you are responsible for the ones that you make.
Your anger is palpable, the hatred and scheming and jealousy are part of it.
You are not coming off like a truly happy person, even if you play music to distract yourself, or force yourself to mask your frowns by turning them temporarily into smiles, Kira.
Anger is natural - true. However the degree of it you express when you are venting through your writing is high. It does sound unhappy, and not healthy for you long-term, because it carries so much pain with it.
It immediately makes me think that there are anger/hurt issues for you which this woman is bringing to the forefront.
You can either face them, uncomfortable as they may be - do the work and heal them gradually - or you can say it is all her, or that Brad or I don’t know you or understand you - and have something down the road blow up and you can get angry all over again.
The anger is hurting you because the amount of time spent aggravated and focusing on this is taking time away from doing constructive things that wouldn’t bring such stress along with it.
Not taking action is good, but still on the inside you are tearing yourself up, obsessing, and keeping the drama meter on high with regard to this.
I’d look very carefully at everything in Brad’s comment again.
There are always answers that are effective when you are ready to listen to them.
I wish you the best with this, truly. I mean my thoughts with kindness and hope you hear that. It is not meant to be harsh, although it is blunt.
Loving Annies last blog post..The Invitation
lisaq August 20th, 2008, 8:05 pm
A counselor once told me that losing someone (a boyfriend/girlfriend) is sometimes more difficult than losing someone to death because when a person dies, you know they’re gone forever and death is completely out of your control. When we lose someone we love, whether through a break up or through death, we work our way through the grief process. Anger is a part of that process.
That being said I think it’s important to understand here that Kira is NOT consumed by anger or even grief at this point. The times when she feels this way are when the g/f pushes her buttons. Then she reacts and then she schemes. These times, especially recently, really are rare. It is not as if she sits around day in and day out and dreams up ways to make life for the g/f miserable. She truly doesn’t. On top of which, it’s not even close to being in her character to follow through with any of the things she may have imagined.
The truth of the matter is that Kira has come to terms with and is at peace with the relationship and its end. It took time and the g/f’s meddling prolonged things to be sure. After the last incident, Kira blocked her from emailing her on MySpace (her chosen venue) and has changed her phone number. If she goes into the store the g/f works in, she turns around and walks out. Usually she simply goes to another location.
It seems to me that her post, which was meant to be cathartic in order to get the entire thing out of her system, was misread. Not only is she not obsessed with the ex or the g/f to the point where it is harming her or anyone else, she truly is one of the most grounded, centered people I know. It is just that these moments, of which there were not all that many, made her react and then wonder. Period. Trust me folks, as her mom, if I thought her well being were in jeopardy, I myself would suggest counseling or some other such avenue.
lisaqs last blog post..The Crazy (Ex)Girlfriend
Honey August 20th, 2008, 9:40 pm
I have had such moments in my life regarding my current boyfriend’s ex, and they’ve been broken up over two and a half years! So I think it’s totally normal, Kira. And I’ve certainly been there with past relationships, as well. A college boyfriend I dated over a year and a half left me for my roommate (and as I found out later there was some overlap). They both tried to stay in contact and though I cut contact with them (though years later we are Myspace friends who never e-mail each other) I had such “attacks” for a long time as we had many mutual friends.
Like I said, totally normal.
Honeys last blog post..Sex & Work Updates