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How Many is Too Many?
“If you have sex, you will get pregnant and die.” - Coach Carr from “Mean Girls”
The above quote sends me flying back to ninth grade health class. My teacher was an over 50, over weight bald man with the most enormous glasses I have ever seen and he loved to talk about promiscuous sex.
He mainly stuck to stories of his adventures from his younger years and somehow forgot to mention why we shouldn’t follow in his footsteps. Promiscuity is one thing, but coming from Mr. Dunlap made it down right stomach wrenching to hear about!
Fast forward about nine years and I found myself in an eerily similar lecture but this time in my college English class. I don’t even know how the topic came about, but my teacher all of a sudden began preaching about the consequences of having too many sexual partners. The conversation turned into everyone arguing over the acceptable number of partners a person could have before they were considered undesirable.
I frustrated the teacher throughout the entire course of the discussion. I told her that while I don’t necessarily condone promiscuity, the number of people someone has been with doesn’t affect my decision to be with them barring they have been tested, are healthy, and are prepared to have a monogamous relationship. She was outraged at my comment and proceeded to go on a tangent. In her opinion, the number of people one has had sex with can be a deal breaker.
When in a relationship, I hate the “number” question. I don’t hate it because I don’t feel comfortable answering the question but because I think it is a pointless question. Why not ask, “Have you been tested?” or “Do you have any STD’s that I need to be aware of?” It only takes one partner to contract an STD therefore, I don’t always see the “number” as relevant.
Please leave comments, as I am curious about everyone else’s view….
lisaq August 18th, 2008, 5:56 am
I’m going to be the first to jump in here…
First of all, Mr. Dunlap? Ewwwww!!!!
Secondly, I have a military policy in this regard…don’t ask, don’t tell. The number of partners in my past is no one’s business except my own. Even asking the question begs judgment even if followed by, “Not that it matters.” If it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t have asked.
Some of us have made mistakes in our pasts, have grown and are not the same people we were. I, for one, think it’s unfair to judge based on the past.
That being said, I would never ask for a number, and the guy who asks for mine will find himself on the fast track out…
lisaqs last blog post..How Many is Too Many?
Brad K. August 18th, 2008, 11:14 am
Back about the mid-1980’s there was a report that cervical cancer correlated to the number of sexual partners a woman had. That may have played a part in the horror stories shaping your classes.
Since then we have found that cervical cancer is caused by a virus, and STD, which gives a clearer explanation of the earlier findings.
At the same time, research into the fraternal bed (new mothers keeping their newborns with them in bed) show the degree our bodies react to each other, even when all we share is breaths. We know that breaking up shares a physical component just like grieving over the death of a loved one. Foster care tells us that we can move a kid from family to family - but after some magic number of moves, the kid will never bond to a family again, never be a well-adjusted citizen. And the magic number varies by child.
We know that people that win too many bed partners never really stop looking for bed partners, and they get too used to moving on to another. Such people never give up their life-skills of winning new bed partners, and don’t seem to really devote themselves to a relationship.
All of this leaves me believing that each person has a magic number for making a family or life-long commitment. And that no one can predict anyone’s magic number.
If your partner isn’t going to make a good mate and co-parent, how can you afford to spend your precious time with them?
Brad K.s last blog post..The happiness within
Honey August 18th, 2008, 11:32 am
I don’t believe in this question, either. My own personal philosophy is that the number resets to zero each time my annual gyno visit yields negative test results. And, honestly, I have no idea how many partners I’ve had. I kept a list when I first started having sex, but after a few years realized how totally lame that was and threw it away.
I think for some reason the number was a big deal to the BF, but I just asked him his number and then said, “that sounds about right…maybe a few more, I couldn’t say.”
Honeys last blog post..Weekend Beach Sextacular
auntiegwen August 18th, 2008, 1:54 pm
I’ve always been asked my number and have been happy to tell it. It really doesn’t worry me and I know my partners number too. I would be just as happy not to know but I know that my partner has a number over which he would find it difficult to be with me, he has a touch of the caveman mentality at times !
auntiegwens last blog post..Smile, Mummy
craze August 18th, 2008, 2:38 pm
I’m totally against this question, I’ve never asked it myself because it truly isn’t anyone’s business.
crazes last blog post..Tick, tock, tick, tock…
saneandsingle August 18th, 2008, 5:43 pm
Uh, doesn’t it only take one???? I mean…it’s like the luck of the draw. I hate the numbers game too.
saneandsingles last blog post..Updates on the FWB and the LD Man
Loving Annie August 18th, 2008, 6:39 pm
I have driven quite a few men off by telling them I want us to have MUTUAL std blood tests before we become physically intimate - and that I unequivocably want a mutual monogamaous relationship. Fine with me if he says no or tries to avoid doing it - shows me a huge red flag and I’m quite willing to bail.
If a man cares, he will do something simple to prove the facts. I don’t have any diseases, thank goodness - and I’m not going to play russian roulette with my health. Respecting each-other’s physical health/safety that way is non-negotiable.
Too many people smacks of little ability or interest in being emotionally intimate…
What is too many ?
I’d say if you are an unmmarried guy - or girl - over age 30 and you’ve been with over 20 partners, you’re pushing the envelope…
If you’ve been a player, then grew out of it, got married, were faithful for a number of years, and then divorced, and have been celibate for quite some time until you’re really ready to be in a relationship again : then something like that would probably wipe out the past numbers wise…
Loving Annies last blog post..A Good Weekend, Family Style
kira August 19th, 2008, 6:05 pm
I figured this one would generate some interesting responses
Once again let me say that I do not condone a high number of partners, I am simply saying that I don’t believe that one’s “number” should be a determining factor in whether or not to date them, assuming they are healthy and prepared for a monogamous relationship.
Thank you all for your input!
NML August 20th, 2008, 5:53 am
I think that is is so unnecessary to ask this question because no number is the right number. Unless they’ve been getting more ass than a toilet seat and putting it about a lot, there is nothing to be gained from knowing how many people your partner has slept with.
lisaq August 20th, 2008, 6:19 am
I’m with you NML. I think it’s completely ridiculous to even ask. I wonder why so many people are fixated on it?
lisaqs last blog post..The Crazy (Ex)Girlfriend
dadshouse August 20th, 2008, 12:41 pm
I agree with one reader above - it only takes one to screw your life up. The number is really irrelevant if you reach a point where you genuinely want to be in a committed monogomous long-term relationship, and you enjoy being in one. For me, when a woman turns my head and we date, I look at no one else! But in between relationships, I tend to roam as much as anyone.
dadshouses last blog post..Men Suck
kira August 20th, 2008, 1:35 pm
I agree with NML as well. Dadshouse and saneandsingle are absolutely correct in saying that it only takes one. Dadhouse, I also like the points that you make about monogamy in a relationship versus the “in between.”
Mom (lisaq), I think people’s “fixation” with the number stems from their basic belief system. Most of our society is Christian and in church we are taught that sex outside of marriage is not ok. To further that point, marriage is sacred and divorce is an abomination. Therfore, there is never a reason we should be with more than one partner in a lifetime. That is not to say that these are my personal beliefs.
Michael Domingo August 23rd, 2008, 6:57 am
(from a single guy’s perspective)
IMHO, if a guy is lame enough to ask what your number is, he’s trying to shortcut his way to the answer of: how sexually active are you and are you safe to be sexual with.
I enjoyed reading all the answers and agree that someone’s number is their own business. Clear, up-front communication about sexual health and boundaries is a sign of a healthy, committed relationship.
Ditch the guy who asks for your number because he’ll probably be ditching you after he bumps his up by one.
Love the blog!
Cheers,
Michael Domingo, Host
Nante Koto Dating Misadventures Show
http://www.myspace.com/nantekoto
http://www.nantekoto.com
SinfullyAnon August 25th, 2008, 2:09 am
Without a doubt, this has to be the “no-brainer” Question of the Year~~(any Year!)..You see, sometimes, men & women, ask these questions {How many?? …”What do ya do?” (I suppose,this is like, “How can I please you?”…or, something.)…
..where was I? Oh, yes, no brains!
**
Getting, mutually, tested? I like that idea..kinda puts the answer,
right up front, without putting it right up front (if ya know what I mean.)
**
Anything else, I’d say, “None of your bees-wax.”
~x~SinfullyAnon.
SinfullyAnons last blog post..Okay. I’ll vote for New York, already! Yeeesh!
Lance August 26th, 2008, 7:56 pm
I’m with Honey on this one, I’m not real big on keeping track of my own numbers or needing to know my partner’s numbers. If we’re both clean when we start going out, it resets to zero. Honestly, the reason people get their underwear in bunch over “high” vs “low” numbers is insecurity…men are insecure about sexually free women(re: promiscuous)and women are insecure about a guy with high numbers because they think he’s a player and can’t commit. Whatever. I say the more experience the better, it means you’re gonna be better in the sack.
Lances last blog post..Mansformation Weekend Testimonial
lisaq August 27th, 2008, 5:11 am
I think you’re dead on with the insecurity thing Lance. Nicely put!
lisaqs last blog post..Say What?!
Brad K. August 29th, 2008, 6:20 am
Michael Domingo, I think maybe the simple answer is to count like the French are reputed to do, with three number values: one, two, many. As in “tres bon” which is something like ‘three times as good’ or ‘very good’.
And you might have two versions: partners in the last year, and partners in your life. Because it can be helpful to know if your partner is experienced in new partners, or conflicted about the way the first time(s) ended.
Partners in the previous year gives an indication of whether your partner uses dating as a pastime or is looking for something long term.
No, this really isn’t a silly question. The implications of the answer are important, if the answer itself is impertinent.
cheekie August 29th, 2008, 12:43 pm
Again, I agree with all of you ladies, and Lance of course.
It is no one’s business.
I’m not hiding anything, but I am a woman in my late 30’s.
I am NOT a virgin.
Deal with it.
As long as two people are safe, respectful and have them selves tested regularly (no, not every 2 years men, regular means EVERY time you have a new partner).
And definitely, any guy who asks me this question reeks of insecurity.
In a ltr, and I was asked, it’s a different story, if we are sharing stories then maybe I would tell…but only if it were really important in the context of the conversation.
I know myself, I get jealous, so I don’t want to know how many my bf has been with. Just make sure you respect me enough to respect my health.
Case closed.
Carol September 28th, 2008, 8:48 pm
No one is entitled to analyze my number, except for me. As long as I am good with it, healthy and live by own standards, that is all that really matters. To me, the important questions are the ones you closed with…has a potential partner practiced safe sex, been tested, what are their boundaries/etc.
Carols last blog post..Beauty on the Inside