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Winning the Fallback Girl Fight
I’ve noticed several times in reading the comments left at Baggage Reclaim that many fallback girls seem to become involved with EUMs at work. Unfortunately, yours truly is included in that group.
Work and the No Contact Rule
Now, granted my work situation is a little different than most. It’s not an office, he doesn’t work a couple of desks down, and I don’t see him every minute of every day. In fact, there are days I don’t see him at all. Still though, when establishing the No Contact Rule with him, life at work became a little difficult.
I had to alter the NCR a little bit to include the fact that I was a professional and would act as such at work. I also added that I expected the same from him. Still, things at first were difficult given the fact that we spent our days in the same building just down the hall from each other.
Even more difficult were the few days we ended up at the faculty lunch table together despite my best efforts to avoid doing just that. Those instances and professional conversations seemed to make him think I was just kidding about having no contact. At those moments he would try to push the envelope and I would have to reiterate that he had made his choice and couldn’t have it both ways.
A Respite
Summer vacation came and with it a sigh of relief that I would have three solid months of not having to deal with it or with him. Right up until I ran into him at the bar. Again, though Map Dot is a small town and bar choices are slim to none, he seemed to take my appearance there as a sign that I had gotten over it and was ready to jump right back into it with him. It took 4 times of this happening and me getting in his face with a very loud, very bitchy, “Oh no you f*cking didn’t!” the last time I felt a hand on my ass in the bar and turned around to find him there.
Back Into the Fire
There was about a month of silence and not running into him, which were completely blissful, before the realization that it was time to return to work and get back on that merry-go-round again hit me. For the first 4 or 5 days, things were okay. I purposefully avoid him, avoiding even so much as eye contact. During those lovely group & partner activities that principals love to have their teachers do, I went way out of my way to make sure I didn’t end up paired with him.
The Assclown Returns
All was going well. Right up until the first day of school. I’ll be damned if during one of our few breaks from kids, he didn’t stop into my classroom while I was busy trying to get some work done. He said that he had a confession to make. I asked if I should call a priest.
As I sat there and listened to him tell me that he hadn’t even read the letter I wrote him about how I was feeling until weeks after I wrote and established the No Contact Rule because he was “in a bad place,” I could finally see for first time how ridiculous he really is. Had I really imagined myself in love with this man? He went on and on about how much he had missed me and how he wanted to be a better friend. I wanted to throw up in my mouth a little bit.
I Win!
It was still all about him. All of the months of hurt and tears I went through were never even mentioned. Wow! This fool is even more unavailable than I ever imagined! Thank God I escaped when I did. Thank God that enough time has gone by and that I have gained enough clarity to see him for what he really is because I know now that even if he tries to go where he isn’t welcome again, I’ll have the balls to put him in his place. There is no fear that I will succumb to his “charms” again. None.
And that feels good. When I related the conversation to G, she likened him to a caveman. I told her this. I can deal with him. I can be polite and even friendly, but if tries to cross the line even one time, I intend to beat the crap out of him with his caveman club. Period. If he had enough hair, I’d drag him to the cave after the beating and leave him there to lick his wounds.
Progress-Gotta Love That!
My life is good now. I’ve made progress. I’m happy with myself. I’m enjoying my time with TDIB. There isn’t one little part of me that is tempted to fall back into a situation with this man…or any man like him. In fact, I almost feel sorry for him knowing that he’ll never find love with anyone outside of himself. I think I’ve hit a milestone. One which instills a sense of accomplishment and the realization that I can indeed do anything I set my mind to do. I’m on my way kids!
Thoughts?
Loving Annie August 16th, 2008, 9:07 am
Lisa,
Congratulations on being able to see him as he really is, so self-centered and unavailable, and that freeing you to be over him !
You did escape, and now you see how lucky you were to do so and why. And with it came that great feeling of having the balls to easily put him in his place if he tries any of his b.s. again.
You can indeed do anything you set your mind to
Loving Annies last blog post..I’m A Comment Slut…
Brad K. August 16th, 2008, 10:19 am
I can’t help thinking you left out the three magic words. “Stop harassing me.” No anger, no emphasis, no repeat. Get up and shut the door, turn around and walk away, whatever.
If there is a next casual encounter, walk or phone HR, and report your unhappiness with his intimate demeanor. Admit you had dated, it hadn’t worked out, and he still, this phrase is OSHA and important, “creates a sexually hostile work place for me.” Do *not* warn the guy you will report his behavior, do not apologize to anyone - HR messed up big time.
OSHA applies to all workplaces, including schools. HR, administration - everyone in authority is responsible for making everyone aware of a sexual harassment policy that includes not harassing anyone. He harasses you, he didn’t get the message, his *supervisor* is incompetent with getting that particular word to that particular guy. That is *not* your fault.
But at work you do have a responsibility. You create an environment that invites harassment by failing to report incidents. You don’t stop date-rape by failing to report it, you encourage harassment (and the attendant loss of work time, loss of attention to mission, loss of good people leaving to find escape) by failing to let your supervisor, HR, or someone in the system know that it is happening.
A first incident should get him a warning (not from you!), and his department should repeat the ‘no harassing’ policy. If he doesn’t understand professional behavior, there are rules and supervisors and administrators tasked with ensuring he has the tools to learn.
As I say, three magic words at work.
Honey August 16th, 2008, 12:21 pm
Amen to you Lisa, and I think Brad K. is right on the money!
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saneandsingle August 16th, 2008, 1:20 pm
Wow…we have been leading parallel lives, huh? I’m glad you are moving on!
lisaq August 17th, 2008, 7:28 am
Thanks Loving Annie! I really appreciate that! I definitely know that, if necessary, I can’t put him in his place.
At this point Brad K, I don’t think those words are necessary. I think doing so would actually cause the hostility. I’m totally fine to let things be as they are. Now, if he tries to cross the line again, then that’s different. If it begins to feel like harassment, then I’ll absolutely contact HR.
Thanks Honey!
Haha Sane and Single! Crazy crap huh? I definitely am moving on. The greatest thing is that I feel a shift and change within myself. I know that I have grown and made progress. It feels damn good!
lisaqs last blog post..Winning the Fallback Girl Fight
auntiegwen August 17th, 2008, 6:08 pm
Well done you. It’s a long tough fight but maybe we are actually getting there.
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lisaq August 18th, 2008, 6:00 am
Thanks Gwen! I definitely think we’re getting there. Yay us!
lisaqs last blog post..How Many is Too Many?