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Friends Don’t Let Friends Date Stupid!
As NML said in her guest post Being Single is an Opportunity, being single is a great time to nurture other relationships. She pointed out that if you don’t like being single, you have a tendency to cling to a new man to exclusion of other relationships and friendships and that you’re the type that will ditch your friends in a heartbeat to be with that new man.
Why you do it
Very simply you don’t like being single. Maybe your friends and family are pestering you about when you’re going to find a good man or give your parents grandchildren or maybe you just don’t like feeling like the only single in the sea of coupledom. Whatever the reason you just don’t feel validated when you’re single.
The problem
The problem is that your validation should come from within. As NML points out in Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, if you’re looking for validation from men, you’re going to come across as desperate and needy. You might as well paint a big target on your backside because Mr. Unavailables are going to flock to you like sharks to fresh meat! They can smell it.
Validation which comes from within is validation which exudes confidence and positive self worth. You know what an incredible person you are. You know that you are worthy and lovable and deserving. You know you are fun to hang out with. These are the things you should be putting out there; not desperation and neediness. That’s ugly and unattractive to emotionally available men.
What’s to come
If you begin ditching your friends to spend time with your latest EUM, you’re going to find yourself without friends when the shit hits the fan. And it will. Why? Because you’re in yet another relationship with yet another Mr. Unavailable. Chances of it working out are slim to none.
One day you’re going to wake up and smell the coffee. You’ll realize you’re alone in this nasty, unhealthy relationship again while your friends are out living their lives. You’ll want to call but they may be tired of being the piece picker upper. Maybe they’ll avoid your calls. Maybe you’ll get the old “I told ya so!” Maybe a few of them, fallback girls themselves, will empathize. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to have one friend left who will be real. Maybe.
Be you. Validate you.
Look, a new relationship is a little like a drug. You get butterflies when you think about him. You wander around grinning like a hyena. You’re floating all up in the clouds. And that’s good, but it doesn’t mean you have to spend every minute of every day with the man. Continue to live your life. Continue to do the things you love. Continue to spend time with friends and family.
If he wants you to spend all of your time with him or validates you when you ditch a friend to be with him, run like hell. It’s a sign of bad things to come. If you get the urge to ditch your friends, listen to your friends when they call you on it. Any friend worth her salt will.
Be a real friend
G will tell you that I’m the friend who won’t hold back or pull punches. If I think she’s making bad choices when it comes to relationships or I see signs that a guy in her life is unavailable, I tell her. I play my bullshit card without thinking twice.
While she tells me often that she so appreciates that, it doesn’t always stop her from continuing to make bad choices. Every other weekend, when her son is with his dad, is girl’s night. We have a standing Saturday night girl’s night out. I don’t make other plans for those nights ever. If I want to see TDIB on those weekends, I see him on Friday night. He not only understands, he says it’s why he asks me out on Fridays those weekends. He knows that I have standing Saturday night plans with G.
Yet, she ditched me this weekend for a man. I played my bullshit card. I told her she was ditching me for a boy. She said she didn’t think she was. Really? It’s our Saturday night. We made plans to go to Wichita. She canceled them and is going out with him tonight. Pretty sure I was ditched…and it wasn’t the first time.
Point is, I let her know. If she wakes up in 6 months and wonders where all of her friends went, maybe she’ll remember. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll figure it out and the next time she’ll have learned to find validation within herself rather than trying to find it through a man.
Listen. Listen. Listen.
If you are the girl who ditches your friends for an EUM, listen to them. Tell your guy you’ll see him another time. If he throws a fit, chances are you’ve just discovered that he is unavailable. If not, if he’s understanding and is willing to reschedule for another time, you may have just found a man that is worth your time.
Thoughts?
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auntiegwen August 14th, 2008, 6:11 am
You will be so proud of me. Never ever have I ditched a girlfriend to go see a man. I would much rather have a regular Saturday night with a friend than a date any time, no contest.
Honey August 14th, 2008, 10:52 am
This is even good advice if you’re not dating a Mr. Unavailable. If you’re dating a quality guy, one of the reasons he was probably attracted to you in the first place was that you were a confident woman with a full and complete life…if you try to make him the center, you’re losing one of the biggest things that attracted him to you in the first place!
triplemuse August 14th, 2008, 1:38 pm
I wholeheartedly agree with you on the ditching your friends for a guy part. A lot of times, my friends have ditched me for a guy, but I don’t usually say much more than a few choice sentences about how she broke our plans for him. I don’t like confrontation much, so I don’t usually say anything about it, but I keep thinking that I should. Maybe next time, I’ll lay out the bullshit card.
Once, a friend said, “You know, TM, if you were in her situation, you’d do the same damn thing.” I vehemently argued that I would not, EVER, and have never done so. My own family has witnessed me turn down dates and other invitations due to a prior engagement… I was taught that it’s common courtesy not to break an appointment unless an emergency comes up.
lisaq August 15th, 2008, 5:13 am
Good girl Gwen! Yay!
Very good point Honey!
Yep, triplemuse, me either. It’s just not something I’d do to a friend. When I talked to G again afterward, she said her guy friends had been talking a lot about women breaking dates and taking advantage and she didn’t want to do that. I reminded her you don’t want to do that to your friends either…
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