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Rules for Breaking Up
So things aren’t working out and you’re thinking of breaking it off. But how do you do it? Are there rules? Steps to follow? Is it okay to text or email? Should you be honest or spare his feelings?
Whoa! There’s a lot to consider! With all that there is to think about, maybe you need some rules…or at the least guidelines.
Understand these are lisaq’s rules and, as such, they may be a little outside the norm.
Break Up Rule #1-Just Do It!
Take a little lesson from Nike here and just get ‘er done. Thinking of it? Pondering it? Dude! Shit or get off the pot! Have a little compassion and cut the poor boy loose already!
Seriously, if you’re even considering it, you’re not doing him, or yourself, any favors by putting it off. Chances are it’s not going to get better and your feelings aren’t going to change. Put on your big girl panties, get the hell over yourself and just do it!
He’s a big boy right? So give him a little credit and girl up.
Rule #2-Be real!
I know, I know. You don’t want to hurt his feelings. But the truth of the matter is that break ups are supposed to hurt. It’s not a party. No one expects warm fuzzies. He doesn’t expect it to feel good. None of us do.
Making excuses and telling him little white lies to spare his feelings is doing you both a disservice. If he has issues to work on, he needs to know them. If you’re just not feeling it, he needs to know that to. And, though I know you don’t want to hear it, if you met someone else, he deserves the truth about that as well.
Rule #3-Don’t Be Clíche!
Don’t tell him you want to be friends if you don’t. Don’t tell him it’s you, not him. Don’t tell him you love him, but you’re not in love with him.
Please! Anyone of us who have heard those know they are just weak excuses. When in doubt, see rule #2.
Rule #4-Don’t Be a Badmouth!
Seriously, maybe you feel like you narrowly escaped a relationship with Hannibal Lector but badmouthing him to everyone you run into is childish and immature. I mean, really, are we still in middle school. Scathing remarks and gossiping about the size of his Mister is really beneath you.
If you have to vent, vent to your BFF Jill or whoever…once! Think of it this way. Would you want him to run all over town telling anyone and everyone who will listen that you don’t close the door when you pee? Really. Would you?
You’re a grown ass woman. Act like one.
Rule #5-To Be Electronic or Not To Be Electronic
This one, I’m afraid, is where you’re going to get the lisaq spin. Everything out there tells us breaking up electronically is not the way to go. I beg to differ. And yes, I’m prepared to take the backlash.
If you are one of those girls who has a hard time making the words in your head come outta your mouth, then by all means, send an honest, sensitive, well thought out email. Email. Not text. Because really how sensitive and well thought out can a text be?
My disclaimer here is this. You want to do it. You’ve tried to do it. You just can’t. An email may be the way to go, but and it’s a big but, if he calls, talk to him. If he wants to get together and talk, get together and talk. It’s the only way you’re going to learn to get the words outta your head.
Rule #6-Move The Hell On!
This is not the time to mope around and stare at old photos of the two of you. You broke up with him remember? It’s a loss and you may very well feel a little lonely, but don’t start romanticizing and make him something he’s not in your head.
Calling and telling him you made a mistake is not the answer. Living your life is. Reconnect with friends. Renew old memberships at the gym. Take dance lessons or find a new hobby. Whatever. Just do something. Keep busy and don’t dwell on it. Remember, being single is an opportunity.
Thoughts?
Brad K. August 12th, 2008, 8:29 am
On Rule #2, Be Real - I would add, don’t explain, don’t get personal.
This is an important communication. Keep it polite, keep sentences short, only make statements. Don’t get into personal things, you are no longer in an intimate relationship, so the topics, the words, the sentiments should stay away from the intimate.
If the conversation starts to get intense, take a deep breath and wait a minute or three.
Allowing a relationship to continue is a quiet promise that it will keep on continuing. Breaking up is an end to that implied promise, an apology is in order. No matter the reason for the breakup.
And I would be careful about any issues he has. You aren’t his mommy, his teacher, and you aren’t acting like a good friend at the moment. It is *not* your place to correct him or change him or fix him. Stick to your acceptance or reaction to his issues - someone you know may treasure the same quirk that drove you away, no matter how bizarre. It’s a strange world. Maybe, “Your trundling in at two thirty in the morning smelling of cigarettes bothers me more than I can say.” You don’t want to complain about the late hours or smoky hair and clothes anymore, the problem *right now* is that it bothers you.
Others have written about Rule #4 - it is a biggie. Anything you say, any emotions you express, tend to hang around. Long after the turmoil of the breakup passes, your friends, relations, acquaintances, and coworkers will remember if you react in public. This can make a reputation for you, and keep wary people, male and female, from taking a chance on you into the future. Don’t buy years of weaker friendships with a few heartfelt minutes of dumping.
Loving Annie August 12th, 2008, 9:13 am
They are good rules. 2 and 3 especially. Sometimes details can really give you closure, and explain things so there are no unanswered questions.
I think if you’ve just gone out with someone a few times,. you can end it by e-mail. r id they are violent.
But otherwise, really, it is only decent to tell someone face to face you want things over, even if it is hard on you.
Loving Annies last blog post..Goodbye, My Friend
craze August 12th, 2008, 9:25 am
I agree with all the points. I think it’s peferctly fine to break up via email as long as you haven’t been dating a considerable amount of time. If the relationship has progressed to the level that you’ve discussed being exclusive (and you are) then I think you owe him/her an “in person” break up.
crazes last blog post..Beginning of the week rambles
auntiegwen August 12th, 2008, 10:18 am
Is this timely advice for me ?????!!!!! I’ve just sent you a long email giving you this weeks news !
I am just a great big wuss, I suppose I hope they’ll just end it with me
I know I know I’m a wuss, but you can’t be cross with a birthday wuss, tomorrow I’ll put on my big girl panties !
auntiegwens last blog post..Forty feckin Two
Honey August 12th, 2008, 3:23 pm
Amen, especially to breaking it off over e-mail! Most of the guys I’ve dated I met online and it never got serious anyway…if you can do something as important as *meet* online, then I think you can *break up* online as well. I have a hilarious story about that, that perhaps I will post to HoneyandLance soon
Honeys last blog post..Work, Circadian Rhythms, and Sex Drive
Meghan August 12th, 2008, 6:11 pm
Hot Diggity! Being single IS an opportunity.
I’d email Rule #4 to my ex for a zing, but that would be breaking Rule #6, and probably Rule #4 as well.
lisaq August 13th, 2008, 6:26 am
Great response Brad K. I really appreciate your input. I definitely agree that continuing is a promise that it will keep on continuing. Well put!
I agree Loving Annie except that “hard on you” for some people becomes literally not being able to get the words on which can sometimes lead to that quiet promise Brad K mentioned. It’s a fine line I think…
Yep Craze. I would hope that if the relationship has reached that level, there is communication and spitting the words out wouldn’t be hard to spit out.
Haha Gwen. No sweetie not written for you. Got your big girl panties on yet?
Thanks Honey. I agree. Can’t wait to read the story!
Haha Meghan! You are too funny!
lisaqs last blog post..Liar Liar
Nicholas Aretakis October 3rd, 2008, 8:27 am
GETTING RID OF MR. WRONG IN TEN EASY STEPS
Step One: Be Positive. You’ve probably shared some special and intimate moments with this man. So, if at all possible, it’s best to end the relationship on amiable terms. You’ll feel better about yourself and you’ll part ways in a better state of mind. The worse break-ups occur when both parties exacerbate the pain with poor behavior.
Step Two: Set a Timeline. The sooner you accept the “officially broken up” status, the better. If you are living together, you need to come up with a firm deadline (no more than a few weeks) for separate living arrangements.
Step Three: End the Physical Connection. If you haven’t gotten to moving out day yet, you need to sleep separately. So many couples get back together because they resume their sexual relationship. If the temptation is too strong, find a friend’s couch to sleep on.
Step Four: Don’t Flaunt the New Guy. Don’t bring a third party into the equation. If you’ve already started to date, that’s fine, but avoid exposing your ex to your new life. If your partner cheated on you, you may be tempted to pay him back. But you are only demeaning yourself by stooping to this level. Treat your ex the way you would like to be treated.
Step Five: Don’t Bad Talk Him. Even if you’re justifiably upset at his philandering, deceptions, or other unacceptable behavior, only confide in close family members and best friends. Don’t make public the sordid details of your break up. Spreading dirt about your ex will keep you from getting over the relationship. It can also backfire and make you look bad.
Step Six: Agree on Property. Be fair. Ask yourselves, who brought what into the relationship? If he paid for everything, you may be at his mercy. He owns what he purchased. If you shared costs, establish need versus want. With animals, consider who had the pet first, who was the “primary caretaker,” and where the pet would enjoy a better standard of living. If children are involved, this is a whole other issue. The best interests of the children come first. You may need to seek legal counsel.
Step Seven: Agree on the Division of Assets. Divvy up bank accounts and investments properly and completely. Do not continue to share a financial connection. If you purchased property together, you either must buy your ex out, let him buy you out, or liquidate the asset and split the proceeds fairly.
Step Eight: End Privileges. Don’t swim in his pool. Don’t let yourself into his apartment to use the bathroom whenever you’re in the neighborhood. Don’t run up a balance on his credit card. Taking advantage of these pre-break up perks can range from territorial (you’re checking up on him) to unfair to theft.
Step Nine: Avoid Attorneys. Lawyer fees range from $150-$350 an hour, billable in quarter hour increments. Attorneys operate with a win-loss mentality. They’ll advise you to go after the maximum possible, knowing that compromises will occur. This can transform what could be an agreeable breakup into a war.
Step Ten: Forgive Yourself. You may not have been perfect, but relationships are really tough! Not many of them succeed. Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. An even higher percentage of premarital relationships won’t last, but that doesn’t mean the individuals in them are failures.
Once you’ve done the deed and left him, avoid break up remorse. You may experience regret, be haunted by memories from a happier time, and be tempted to reconcile. Don’t! You didn’t do all that work for nothing.
You may also be suffering from shaky confidence. Use this feeling of insecurity as a motivating force for self-improvement.
http://www.DitchingMrWrong.com