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Being Single is an Opportunity-Guest Post
By NML
Newsflash: Being single is not that annoying time that you pass between relationships. It’s not a travesty, a tragedy, or something to get your knickers in a knot about, and it is in fact an opportunity. That’s right. Being single is a time to:
Heal and move on
Heal and move on from your previous break-ups and clean out your emotional closet, because even though it may be tempting to jump straight into the dating saddle, this could actually prove quite detrimental to you and a new relationship. Don’t start any new relationships until you are totally over your previous and that means that you are not emotionally tied to them in either a positive or negative way.
Enjoy time on your own but also doing things on your own
If you enjoy your own company and are not co-dependent on the existence of other people all the time, this has a massive positive impact on your whole experience. When you do meet potential relationship prospects, you don’t drag around a coat of desperation and neediness. Be brave and eat out alone, go to the cinema, or even go on holiday alone. I have done all 3 and they’re character building.
Enjoy your home
I actually loved living on my own so much and doing up my place, lounging around in boudoir knickers watching 24 boxsets, and just reveling in my own space that it actually taught me to love and appreciate me. I was scared I would never be able to go into a relationship but actually, enjoying your own space, time, and company means that when people who don’t mean you any good are around you, you recognise it.
Get to know yourself
Get to know you and understand who you are and why you may have made certain relationship decisions and get a handle on where you want to be. Saying that you want happiness and a relationship is one thing, but you’d be surprised at how your relationship choices are blocking you from the very thing you claim to want.
Do a bit of life planning
Even if you don’t look it ever again or for a long time, do a list of your short, medium and long term goals as it gives you a surprising amount of clarity about what you are looking to achieve.
Nurture your other relationships
If you’re one of those people that hates being single, I would lay bets you’re the type that will ditch their friends quicker than you can see ‘I’ve got a boyfriend’. It’s not intentional but you despise being single so much, when you do get a guy, you cling to him and the relationship to the exclusion of others. Well guess what? That’s why you’re still single. Learn how to build friendships and to not be reliant on validation from men. Trust me, you’ll thank me for it when you’re not a co-dependent drama queen….
You learn more about NML at http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
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auntiegwen August 8th, 2008, 7:03 am
When I became single at the age of 40 after a 21 year relationship, it wasn’t being with a man I missed, it was adult company.
I’ve found myself now happy with my single life if I have enough adult friendships either male or female.
auntiegwens last blog post..Well, that’s me told, again
Loving Annie August 8th, 2008, 9:00 am
It’s definitely got its positives… But I’d opt for it not being a permanent state of being…
And NML is VERY worth reading !!!
Loving Annies last blog post..Bulging Lumbar Discs
The Diva's Thoughts August 8th, 2008, 10:02 am
Great post.
The Diva’s Thoughtss last blog post..Ignorantnomics
lisaq August 9th, 2008, 7:35 am
I hear that Gwen. I craved adult companionship and human companionship. Cats are great, but the conversation is lacking!
Yeah, I’ll second that Loving Annie, but if it is, it is. NML rocks. Hard.
It is Diva. NML is awesome!
Will August 10th, 2008, 5:17 am
I’ve been single for quite some time, so all of this advice,
arrives, as very refreshing.
It was a good reminder of the things which I’ve liked about
being “alone,” even with moments of wishing for company.
There are valuable lessons in being good in your “own space”..(I’d say, that “solitude” has its benefits [there's a new one! "Solitude, with Benefits"lol!]…But, seriously, finding out who you are, and recognizing who you can be, is always a first good step toward any relationship.
~~[...Sure wish I had some company, though.]…..
~x~Will
lisaq August 10th, 2008, 6:15 pm
I think it’s a good reminder too Will. Sometimes we forget huh? And, Lord knows, company would definitely be a good thing!
Solitude with Benefits huh? Isn’t that masturbation? Haha!
lisaqs last blog post..Are You Setting Yourself Up For Heartache With Unrealistic Dating Expectations?
craze August 11th, 2008, 2:30 pm
In the last week I’ve heard from a couple of different people that “being single isn’t THAT bad.” I immediately corrected them and said, “being single is wonderful and just as great as being in a relationship.” There is no right or wrong. Single women should not be considered less than because they don’t have a man in their life. In fact when you take that time to get to know yourself, to get out and do things and to enjoy your home you are better equipped emotionally to find someone else. IF that’s what you want.
crazes last blog post..Beginning of the week rambles
lisaq August 12th, 2008, 5:17 am
Ugh! I hate when people do that! I have been blessed to have this time in my life to get to know myself and am absolutely loving my life! Single has been good to me!
lisaqs last blog post..Rules for Breaking Up
Zella August 12th, 2008, 9:31 am
Although I agree with most of the posting/s here on this subject, I think all this also depends on each person’s individual situation and how they got there — you cannot generalize anything in this life. Take myself, for example: I am 40 years old, never married, no kids – have a good job, have lived abroad because of my work, have a wide range of friends, nice apartment, cute car, good looks. I am also single, and definitely not by choice; I have been single for 16 years. Yes, that’s right, 16 years without a relationship with a man. Obviously there have been a few short lived romances during these years, but no relationships. I am a very positive minded and strong person, have had a lot of losses in my family/extended family, and so I’ve learned not to whine about small things. I see the big picture, and I have perspective. If I haven’t found love in my life, there is still someone in a worse situation than myself; a parentless child in Africa, someone laying in a hospital bed paralysed etc.etc…. All this doesn’t take away the pain I have for my “destiny” — and sometimes, when I read how someone writes about singlehood being a great time to get to know yourself, to learn how to be alone, to cherish your girlfriends… I partially agree, but I also think to myself how different the situation is when you end up being single for decades, against your own will. I’m not going to die over this, and I will have my good days and bad days as everyone else does — but I just wanted to write about a different view and see if there are maybe other women out there in the same situation…?
NML August 13th, 2008, 7:37 am
Hi Zeila, I think your situation is different. When I wrote this post, this is about when women find themselves single and before they have time to even spell the word out, they are already panicking about being alone. I certainly wasn’t writing about being single for 16 years but what I am saying is that when you find yourself single after a relationship, rather than treating it like the annoying, crappy time between relationships, embrace it. I don’t have any idea what it is like to be single for as long as you have and only you know your life and why it has been as it has. I have however dealt with quite a few women who have been single for very long periods of time and often it was some sort of emotional hurt that kept them away from relationships and the first one they went into was disastrous because expectations can be high. I’m not suggesting that is you but you can be positive, but if you think that something is standing in the way of a relationship, only you can find out what that is.
Zella August 13th, 2008, 9:31 am
NML – thanks for your reply; I understand your point of view and was merely trying to bring in a different view about being single, for a really long time, that is
The thing is, I don’t know *why* my life has turned out this way, and I have no idea why I have ended up being single forever. If there is an emotional hurt that’s keeping me from meeting my Mr Right, it is hidden from myself too; I know I am capable of falling in love (it happened last year but the guy was in a relationship so I had to finish it before it even started). In my work environment I’m surrounded by men, and I actually feel that I get along with men better than I do with women, so I don’t see any problems with dealing with men either. I’m very outgoing and oftentimes I’m the one in the group – with both males and females -who makes people laugh and generally gets along with anyone… So as to why I have ended up alone, is as much of a puzzle to myself as it seems to be to others. I don’t necessarily agree with the sentiment that if a person ends up being alone, she must know herself why it has happened, not necessarily… As for trying to find out what it could be that is keeping myself from finding love: I actually saw a therapist recently just to see what their point of view would be… After talking to me for an hour she said how she saw me as this positive, energetic and independent woman, who has learned how to be alone — she actually said there’s no shame in feeling blue about it, but her opinion was that since I’ve already mastered being alone, why stress about it. She suggested I get into internet dating (which I’m doing anyway) and just keep on doing that until I meet someone. Oookkaaaaayy
But, I try to be positive about it: I read my Secret, I do affirmations, I believe in “like attracts like” — and so forth.. but of course, when you have been alone for this long, you don’t always have the energy to stay giddy and fired up… So that’s why I was hoping that there would be someone out here to share their experiences on a situation like mine (unless I’m simply one of a kind ??) and give advice on how to rough it out when it all seems impossible to deal with. Despite of the fact that I stay positive 70% of the time, the 30% of when I do feel down, is getting worse and worse by each year. I just skipped work this week for 2 days because I couldn’t get out of bed,and that of course makes it all feel a lot worse.
Anyways, thanks for reading my rambling and all the best to you.