20-forty.comBecause love isn't always 20/20!
Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl-Part 3
In Part 3, NML talks about how to get healthy and move forward in new relationships. She begins by giving advice for new relationships including leaving behind the drama from past relationships, making sure both of you have both feet in, watching for guys who say one thing but act like another and reminding us not to sleep with a guy too soon. She includes a quick guide to the first 3 months which I think is particularly helpful.
Use Your Judgment
I think one of things I’ve wondered is how I will know if I actually if I meet a man who is emotionally available. NML says:
Know a good thing when you have it and trust in it rather than project your insecurities on him.
Use your judgment. Just like using your gut, it’s about time we started to exercise judgment and learn from experiences. This doesn’t mean you stop trusting anyone; it means you open your eyes, read the signs and access the situation. When you are in a good relationship, judge his actions based on him, not on every other chump you went out with.
Very important but not always an easy thing to do I’m finding out. TDIB is a wonderful man and yet I have found myself trying to project my old crap from old relationships onto him. It takes a lot of listening to my gut and reminding myself that he is not every other chump I went out with.
Recognize when you’re doing this and make sure to reel yourself back in.
Watch Out For Red Flags!
NML’s list of red flags include several that you probably already know but need reminding of. These are the things you need watch out for and not ignore in new relationships. As NML points out, we sometimes ignore them even when they’re smacking us right in the face.
- Anger and aggression
- Dodgy attitude towards sex
- Irresponsible
- Addicted to something
- He’s controlling
- They play victim
- Not over his ex
- Problems with past/childhood
- Nasty and spiteful
- He’s a narcissist
Abusive Relationships
Red flags are a sign that there may be trouble ahead, but even those aren’t going to necessarily going to alert you to the signs that the relationship is abusive. If he is overly jealous and abusive, expresses intense feelings too early in the relationship, is a control freak, humiliates you and puts you down, physically abuses you or even threatens to, uses drugs, doesn’t let you make decisions or forces you to perform sexual acts you don’t want to, get the hell out!
These are more than just red flags. NML says:
If you are in a relationship that has any of these signs, I would have more than some serious concerns…and get out. Use common sense and your gut and get out before you find yourself an empty shell of your former self. There is no excuse for abusing someone and seek help as soon as possible. It is important to ensure that your abusers behaviour doesn’t destroy your self-esteem and trust or have a long lasting impact on future relationships.
Run, run like the wind!
The Drama Reduction 12 Step Plan
This is the next section in Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl. We all know fallback girls, though they may say otherwise, love drama! We live for it, we thrive on it, we even create it when none exists. Remember, drama is like relationship crack and a 12 step plan may be necessary to help you kick the habit.
Some of the steps include admitting you are addicted to drama, recognizing that you are in charge of yourself and your relationships, realizing that you have made mistakes but that you can learn from them, becoming committed to loving ourselves, and making an effort to live every day with minimal drama.
Wrapping It Up!
NML reminds us not to beat ourselves up. They were EUMs long before we came along and EUMs they’ll stay.
You’re not wrong for wanting to love or to be loved, it’s just that in not giving it to yourself, you have made mistakes on route and drawn in inappropriate people. Take comfort in the fact that you know more now than you have ever known and do something with your knowledge. Live the best you that you can be. Stop making excuses for these men. Stop sticking at their side pushing your love on them and hoping they’ll finally give in and love you, and take a chance on you. Love you.
What Are You Waiting For?
Bottom line. If you’ve been attracting assclowns, Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl is the single best tool you can give yourself to learn to love yourself and to attract healthy, emotionally available men. It’s available for immediate download here. What are you waiting for?
Read our reviews of Part 1 and Part 2
Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl Part 1
Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl Part2
Related posts:
- How to Break the Cycle of Bad Relationships and Just Say “No” to Drama 1. I often find myself attracted to “bad boys,”...
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
Kim2 November 10th, 2008, 11:43 am
Hi Lisaq. Nice blog. So you read The Fallback Girl in August… how is your life now? Do you feel stronger? Have you stopped thinking about the last EUM?
My ex-EUM lives two blocks from me in a very small town. He’s a total ass and has left some scars. I am seeing him clearly now but still feel the fool for ever having gotten involved. He thinks he’s all that and has no awareness of how he treats women. I want to just not care anymore…
So… you read the book a few months ago. How are you doing now? I haven’t gotten the book yet because I knew I wasn’t ready for it. I think I am now due to hearing some nasty rumors of things he has said about me.
lisaq November 10th, 2008, 8:30 pm
Hi Kim. Life is pretty fabulous. It’s a process and I’m continuing on my journey, but life is oh so much better! I definitely feel stronger. I see my ex EUM every day…we work together. But I’m completely over him and past it. I won’t pretend it was easy but it was worth it all. The truth is that the book really helped me through it. I had to enact the no contract rule with him and see him every day. I’d have never been able to do it without NML’s help and her book.
And the truth is, I’d have continued to attract assclowns. Bottom line, that in itself is worth everything. Good luck to you. Email me if you have any questions.